Okay so I just read D.M.’s blog (not sure yet whether she’d appreciate me advertising it so I shan’t) and she had a pretty long ramble about life. And actually, it was inspirational. She didn’t talk about the everyday shit I crap on about, like school and problems with other people. Nup. She talked about herself. And her future, and her past influences. She had a set few on the things in life. Plus she had an awesome picture of a grass pushing its way through asphalt. Which, by all standards, is AMAZING.
I meant the weed, but yes, D.M. is pretty amazing too.
So I thought to myself, “Defluffe,” I said (well I didn’t, I used my real name. I don’t know. Whatever) “maybe it’s time you get a bit existential as well.”
So, what are my future plans?
Right now, I just want to get out of home. I know that in some ways I am spoilt and selfish and all that only-child shit people tend to believe about only children. I don’t know if my parents love me (I don’t think they love me per se, more like the idea of me) but I’m sure when my mom told me she rather I wasn’t her daughter, that was some sort of inkling. No, actually, can’t I just not be able to stand my parents and want to move out and be free? D.M. is so sure about her own morals because of her mom’s, and I’m sure of my morals because of the same thing, but from a different angle, and towards a different direction. D.M. wants to be like her mom. I would rather kill myself than become anything similar to my mother. Once I found myself doing an action that she does, and it nearly made me gag.
I sound like a whingey emo right now, don’t I? Some people would do anything to be able to argue with their parents, because it means that their parents are there. I won’t say that I wish I had their life. In the past I wished I had someone else’s life, or someone else’s parents (still do about the 2nd thing) but now I figure, my life is rockin’ at the mo’, ‘cos I got some really good friends. I mean, if there is anything I will take out of high school, it is that I made some really solid friends.
Wouldn’t it be sad if I revisit this post a few years later, and read back at how naive I was to believe that I would still keep those friends? I’d hate, and I’m scared, to think that I would come back on my 21st birthday and think to myself, “well that friendship went down the drain after graduation.” So I have decided that I would actively try to keep bonds with my closests. I won’t lie to myself, there are probably 90% of my current friends who I won’t bother trying to keep in touch. And included are some people who I say I would keep in touch. Maybe I would initially. But out of sight, out of mind, right? Of that 10% that I would try to keep in touch with, I don’t know who would reciprocate. (ha) maybe I’m not as loved as I’d like to believe.
Postsecret.com, had a postcard of someone saying, “I plan to be hit by a car, just so that when I am in hospital I can find out who my real friends are.” I think that’s quite a…well twisted enough, I think that’s quite an idea. “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?” I’ve said this to D.M., “sometimes I wonder what I can do to make them see what they would lose.” She said it was the most depressing thing she’s ever heard me say. Hindsight, yeah. But, nowadays I’m frequently thinking that. Perhaps the stress is getting to me. Perhaps, I am just plain mental. I mean, what, 2 out of 10 people are mental? (Made that up completely) so maybe I’m that 1 out of 2. I mean, not EVERYONE can be those 8, so SOMEONE’s gonna be one of those 2. Probably me.
It’s past nine, and, under my PARENTS’ regime I have to go to bed. I guess it keeps me healthy, except I wake up every morning more tired. The only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing I can see their faces again. This is getting to be a mid-life crisis at 17.
De Fluffe. Out.
P.S. Thank you D.M. for inspiring me. You are definitely in that 10%.