Maybe I should let go…

This blog is going to be very obviously ambiguous. So instead of censoring names so that only those who know me know who I am talking about…now I will be so vague that perhaps even the person I am talking to/about won’t realize.

She doesn’t read this, but anyway.

It just occurred to me how stupid I am, and how little I really know (about her. Oh, I’m not implying that i am all knowing on all other topics, I just…bah) and how insignificant a ripple I have made in her raging storm of emotions compared to the tsunami she made in my puddle.  I’d wanted more. I thought I could give more if it weren’t for that stupid mistake. I am so sorry, that you had to be there when I was changing who I was, and you had to be the one to bear my mistakes. While you didn’t exactly take it perfectly, you took it better than I would have. While I can’t thank you whole heartedly because it still hurts, I no longer blame you – not that I ever had the right to.

I was jealous at first. I’d given it all I could, but she still didn’t seem to care. But now I know better. I could give it my all, and more, and it wouldn’t be right. Some things weren’t meant to be. I’ve said once that this was “a chapter in my life that will never be written”. Maybe Rowling had intended Harry and Hermione to hook up. But for better or for worse, it didn’t happen, that’s the reality of it.

But I talked about it. I don’t know whether it was an act of weakness, or a cry for compassion. I don’t even know if I talked to the right person about it. But I think I did. And by chance today I have found something that gave me that final push. What was holding me back before? Invisible threads of wanting and wishing, of false hopes and leading smiles. Despite the fact that with every indifferent answer, every tear forced back and every hurt look some threads were hacked away, for two years they held on. Today, they finally broke

It’s not that I no longer care, but I no longer wish to keep going.

She’s better off this way. Maybe I’m better off this way.

Maybe she’ll read this, and know I am talking about her. Maybe someone else would read this and think I am talking about them. For those two cases, I guess both are true. But for another, I will never let go. Good part is, she – the 3rd her – would probably have realized this anyway.

Ambiguity sucks when all the pronouns are of one gender. I should make some guy friends.

The tone has changed in my entry hasn’t it? Yeah, I’ve moved on. If you’re reading this and you know I am talking about you (I’ve left breadcrumbs the size of loaves) then it’s nothing against you. Of course. You might feel a huge burden lifted. I’m not leaving you completely. But you’ve got your bubble back. I hope you will have a good one. What’s going to happen in the future? We both know it, although I don’t want to think about it yet. Is it what you want? It’s happening already isn’t it?

Was I a mistake?