A Month’s Silence

As long as the black caresses my skin,

silence will caress these pages.

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Time

It’s strange how yesterday I could be thinking a few weeks into the future, and today I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. All the scenes I’ve envisaged for my holidays now have a question mark hanging over them because I don’t know what will happen.

…I know I’m not famous for my tact or sensitivity, but I wish that this time I’d know what to say.

I remember feeling something like this right before I started MacRob. I remember clearly that school was starting on a Tuesday and a new season of the OC was starting (it was right after Marissa killed Trey, Ryan’s brother. I remember this detail because Forever Young was playing in the background of the promo) and I remember sitting in front of the TV watching the promo for the OC which would air on Tuesday night, and wondering at the fact that when the show does air, I would’ve just finished my first day at my new school. And I don’t even know why I was so worried about starting MacRob because if I think about it now, I’d be more worried returning to Brentwood. MacRob is just so full of amazing people.

Anyway, I’m just here to ponder a little bit about Time, and how so much can happen in so little, changing the course of events.

I have to go to dinner. Even though I’m not hungry. I’m never hungry when I’ve got a lot on my mind. People sometimes tell me that I watch too much TV, but the thing is TV calms me down and lets me relax. If I don’t watch TV (yes I do watch it a bit too much sometimes) then I don’t know how stressed and bitchy I’d be. People have different releases. Music, jogging, napping, mine is unfortunately TV.

De Fluffe, Out.

Finished…

Yay I was told I just more or less finished Legal Studies 1/2 today, and with just an exam (do we get one?) at the end of the year it’s a relief to have finished one of my subjects for the year.

Anyway just a quick update in case I don’t write anything tonight. I have to write up some English notes, and then fold laundry, and then watch TV. It’s a busy life.

Vania is so cool she does everything for and by herself. I am in awe of her. Newfound awe.

Holidays holidays holidays soon. I can’t wait to be able to go out more often, and sleep in. Maybe if I badger them enough, my parents will let me drive more again. I still don’t get why they don’t trust me to drive. Hmm. Maybe one day I’ll be trying to teach someone to drive with my own car and I’d be worried too.

De Fluffe, Out.

The Last Night

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn’t want you to see me cry, I’m fine
But I know it’s a lie.

This is the last night you’ll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I’m everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you’ll spend alone,
I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go,
I’m everything you need me to be.

I don’t wanna live
I don’t wanna breathe
‘les I feel you next to me
you take the pain I feel
waking up to you never felt so real
I don’t wanna sleep
I don’t wanna dream
’cause my dreams don’t comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

De Fluffe, Out.

1st song: The Last Night – Skillet

2nd song: Comatose – Skillet

The Holidays

I can’t wait until the holidays are here. This term seemed to have passed rather quickly. Maybe because I didn’t have too many assessments, and, frankly, nothing bad happened.

Oh, no I retract that. Something bad did happen. It didn’t happen to me, but I am indirectly affected. It doesn’t mean that I’ll withdraw and sulk like I do most of the time. No, this fight I want to be going with all guns a-blazin’ and be instrumental in helping with solving it. I want to matter.

Lately I feel that I am simply one conversation away from either feeling completely safe and loved by someone, or lose everything that I am living for. I know it sounds over-dramatic and maybe I am blowing it up a bit but the truth is, at this very moment, I’m living for one person. I’ve recently just been scared by a rumor that I might lose this person in the near future. For quite a few hours afterwards I kept feeling an impending doom, and I just couldn’t think about it.

I know it’s selfish of me but I just want to keep that person with me forever.

It hasn’t sunk in yet that I am old now and I should take responsibility for myself. I still feel that I can cruise along with the help of those around me. That completely contradicts my want to be independent. I guess that’s the kind of situation that weeds out success from failures. I want to be a success. That’s why next year, I wll actually study hard. Not the empty kind of promises I tend to keep to myself. But I want to get those good marks. For bragging rights, and to be able to show myself that I can fight.

We shall see if I can do that for myself.

De Fluffe, Out.

“I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies. This is the dawning of the rest of our lives, on holiday.” Greenday

About You

“Stop staring at me.”

I wasn’t, I just happened to have looked up and looked at you when you said that.

But I can’t help it, sometimes. I see you and I remember how much I love you.

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. [insert mention of Dani here] Sorry honey, had to work it in. Subtle.