Monthly Archives: September 2008

Time

It’s strange how yesterday I could be thinking a few weeks into the future, and today I don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. All the scenes I’ve envisaged for my holidays now have a question mark hanging over them because I don’t know what will happen.

…I know I’m not famous for my tact or sensitivity, but I wish that this time I’d know what to say.

I remember feeling something like this right before I started MacRob. I remember clearly that school was starting on a Tuesday and a new season of the OC was starting (it was right after Marissa killed Trey, Ryan’s brother. I remember this detail because Forever Young was playing in the background of the promo) and I remember sitting in front of the TV watching the promo for the OC which would air on Tuesday night, and wondering at the fact that when the show does air, I would’ve just finished my first day at my new school. And I don’t even know why I was so worried about starting MacRob because if I think about it now, I’d be more worried returning to Brentwood. MacRob is just so full of amazing people.

Anyway, I’m just here to ponder a little bit about Time, and how so much can happen in so little, changing the course of events.

I have to go to dinner. Even though I’m not hungry. I’m never hungry when I’ve got a lot on my mind. People sometimes tell me that I watch too much TV, but the thing is TV calms me down and lets me relax. If I don’t watch TV (yes I do watch it a bit too much sometimes) then I don’t know how stressed and bitchy I’d be. People have different releases. Music, jogging, napping, mine is unfortunately TV.

De Fluffe, Out.

Finished…

Yay I was told I just more or less finished Legal Studies 1/2 today, and with just an exam (do we get one?) at the end of the year it’s a relief to have finished one of my subjects for the year.

Anyway just a quick update in case I don’t write anything tonight. I have to write up some English notes, and then fold laundry, and then watch TV. It’s a busy life.

Vania is so cool she does everything for and by herself. I am in awe of her. Newfound awe.

Holidays holidays holidays soon. I can’t wait to be able to go out more often, and sleep in. Maybe if I badger them enough, my parents will let me drive more again. I still don’t get why they don’t trust me to drive. Hmm. Maybe one day I’ll be trying to teach someone to drive with my own car and I’d be worried too.

De Fluffe, Out.

The Last Night

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn’t want you to see me cry, I’m fine
But I know it’s a lie.

This is the last night you’ll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I’m everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you’ll spend alone,
I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go,
I’m everything you need me to be.

I don’t wanna live
I don’t wanna breathe
‘les I feel you next to me
you take the pain I feel
waking up to you never felt so real
I don’t wanna sleep
I don’t wanna dream
’cause my dreams don’t comfort me
The way you make me feel
Waking up to you never felt so real

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away
Oh how I adore you
Oh how I thirst for you
Oh how I need you

De Fluffe, Out.

1st song: The Last Night – Skillet

2nd song: Comatose – Skillet

The Holidays

I can’t wait until the holidays are here. This term seemed to have passed rather quickly. Maybe because I didn’t have too many assessments, and, frankly, nothing bad happened.

Oh, no I retract that. Something bad did happen. It didn’t happen to me, but I am indirectly affected. It doesn’t mean that I’ll withdraw and sulk like I do most of the time. No, this fight I want to be going with all guns a-blazin’ and be instrumental in helping with solving it. I want to matter.

Lately I feel that I am simply one conversation away from either feeling completely safe and loved by someone, or lose everything that I am living for. I know it sounds over-dramatic and maybe I am blowing it up a bit but the truth is, at this very moment, I’m living for one person. I’ve recently just been scared by a rumor that I might lose this person in the near future. For quite a few hours afterwards I kept feeling an impending doom, and I just couldn’t think about it.

I know it’s selfish of me but I just want to keep that person with me forever.

It hasn’t sunk in yet that I am old now and I should take responsibility for myself. I still feel that I can cruise along with the help of those around me. That completely contradicts my want to be independent. I guess that’s the kind of situation that weeds out success from failures. I want to be a success. That’s why next year, I wll actually study hard. Not the empty kind of promises I tend to keep to myself. But I want to get those good marks. For bragging rights, and to be able to show myself that I can fight.

We shall see if I can do that for myself.

De Fluffe, Out.

“I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies. This is the dawning of the rest of our lives, on holiday.” Greenday

About You

“Stop staring at me.”

I wasn’t, I just happened to have looked up and looked at you when you said that.

But I can’t help it, sometimes. I see you and I remember how much I love you.

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. [insert mention of Dani here] Sorry honey, had to work it in. Subtle.

If The World Ends…

We all know about the scientists in Geneva making the machine that could possibly create a black hole that could kill us all. I’m not into science so I can’t use big terms, but I know what it means if a black hole happens in Switzerland or, for that matter, anywhere near Earth.

And if the world had ended today, would I care? Would I have been sad that I didn’t get to say the things I wanted to? Would I have been regretful of the things I couldn’t have achieved? I don’t know. I was in a very indifferent mood today.

I just received an email from Bee. And it killed my indifferent mood. It killed just about everything I’d wanted to write tonight because all the problems that I felt today just seemed incredibly trivial and childish compared to what she wrote in her email. And despite the fact that she may protest, I have decided not to write what I wanted to. I don’t feel it anymore, anyway. There’s no point in posting if I don’t care anymore.

It’s still in the back of my mind, but it’s so far away. And Time is just so important right now.

I wanted to walk home but my mom wouldn’t let me. After a bit of talking however, she let me out of the car at the start of my street and I walked the 4 minutes to my house. A bit dumb I know but I really wanted that time alone. I walked past a house I never looked at, and noticed their beautiful red flowers – I don’t know the name but you don’t need to know a name to appreciate beauty – and I noticed that it had slipped into warmness. On Saturday it will be 23, so I have decided on that day I want to take a long walk. Not with my parents, so I’ll have to convince them somehow.

I was in a better mood when I arrived at my front door, even though the atmosphere at home was oppressive. It was the flowers that cheered me up. And when I saw them I thought of Bee and how she would’ve loved to have walked past them.

It was too beautiful today. It is not fair. I didn’t deserve to have walked past the beauty and had the nice thought. I feel guilty even for thinking ahead to Saturday and the long walk I will have in the warm sunshine – despite my hatred for heat, I’m still human enough to like some warm alone time – but I still want to take that walk. For her. For them.

I love you, Bee. I love you and I admire you so much. I don’t know what else to say around you, but you are, day by day, becoming that constant in my life. And I didn’t even notice it until now.

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. Even though my blog stat count is rising, no one is commenting. Well, I don’t mind, really. I didn’t write anything of substance the last few days. I hope that Bee will read this.

Writing at an 8th grade level

At VET we have to write a movie review but we have to write it for an audience of 8th graders, using the function on spellcheck as a guide.

Let me just say that Grade 8’s are incredibly dumb if the word “dubious” could elevate the reading grade to above 9.

I didn’t blog yesterday and I didn’t blog about important things today. I don’t think there’s much point in writing about boring stuff that happens in my day. So. That’s it. That’s all for today.

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. I want to hug you right now. I miss you and I’m feeling lonely.

Comfortable silence

Before I explain my title…

Last night I borrowed Jo’s Facebook password (much to the distain of Jess since she’s been trying to convince me to get Facebook and my wanting to see formal pictures was one of her greatest leverages) and I found a bunch of pictures of my beloveds.

After talking to Cat- today about the masses of AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL photographs I saw, and how “I have hot friends!” her reply was:

“Yeah, formal does that to people.”

Also, I’ve changed at the last minute my topic for my Legal Studies essay. So after I post this I am going to haul ass and finish my Proposal, and then work on my essay.

Alright, so, the comfortable silence bit.

Carmaine and I don’t talk much on MSN (nor the phone, but that was one medium I gave up on because we just text when we have to) and sometimes when she’s on I would pester her to talk to me. I asked her why she doesn’t want to talk to me online and she replied that it was because she didn’t have anything to say, and she didn’t mind just sitting there in comfortable silence, just having the other’s presence around. It was the same when we’re in person sometimes (except I can’t off the top of my head at the moment remember any conversation we had when we were in person, where we were in comfortable silence and then slip into casual talk). I don’t notice it as much when we’re in person because she’s usually sitting right there so her physical presense I am ware of, but online it’s different, of course.

Anyway, I do have a point. Today Ev- skipped Maths and we sat together just outside the school hanging out and talking. Except (partly because of a small headache as a residue reminder of my flu and partly because of lack of topics) she kept on asking me to talk talk talk. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t mind, and I always thought of something to say, something to ask her about. But her wanting to keep the conversation going just reminded me of how much I want to keep talking to Carmaine online. The thing is, with Ev- it didn’t really matter that I didn’t talk much to her because I just liked sitting there in her presence and relaxing. So it’s the same deal with Carmaine. I don’t have to keep talking to let her know that I’m still existing, and unless there’s something to talk about then why keep trying?

Of course I know the difference between a good silence and a bad silence, so I won’t keep my trap shut at the wrong times!

So that’s my blog for today. I haven’t become a better person per se (or as Stoner put it “per say”) but I think I’m just less annoying now. Haha…ha..eh…

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. I have 5 Minutes To Midnight stuck in my head and Carmaine is talking about organizing a party for NY. Hehe. It’s just kind of fitting.

“And when the clock strikes twelve
Will you find another boy to go and kiss and tell?
Cause you know I never will
I think we should strike a match
We’ll hold it to the wind to and see how long it lasts
We can make the time stand still.”

5 Minutes To Midnight – Boys Like Girls