New Header Image

I’m not trying to insult your ability to notice things, because I know the moment you came onto the page you probably noticed something different, and a moment later tweaked that it was the header image. For those who actually…didn’t, the old picture was the lower half of my face and now it’s…


Before I explain the picture, I have to just have a moment of sentimentality and say that the header image contains the 3 people in my life (plus me) who I hold closest and dearest. That is not to say that I love Eunice, Bianca and Carmaine’s crotch. Even though there is nothing wrong with Carmaine’s crotch (digging…) I actually meant the owner of said crotch, i.e. Carmaine.

What had happened was, back in September in the holidays, BRuCE had their picture taken after having planned it for several months but events kept on making us put it off. Events such as bad haircuts and Carmaine’s period of The Chipmunk due to the removal of 3 or 4 wisdom teeth – and, yes, all no-wisdom jokes have been done, and funny chipmunk/human pictures have been drawn and seen – so in the end I put my foot down and said we have to get it done before the weather turns too warm and I look like I just stepped out of the shower in the utmost non-sexy way possible.

Now, I don’t actually recall if I already blogged about that day. But, in one instance while Andrew was cooking BBQ for us, we were all lying down on a picnic table, and asked Dani to take a picture of us lying there. Dani took one look, and said, “Carmaine, would you like to turn around so that you’re facing the same way as the other three?” Carmaine replied, “No.” So, being obedient as she is, Dani took a picture of the three of us and the Crotch.

Finally, I decided that I can brave whatever consequences Carmaine may bestow upon me when she sees the picture, and put it on here. I really do like the way our expressions were captured (bar Carmaine’s of course. Hell, I’d be dumb to make a joke about expressive crotches). Eunice and I were laughing especially hard because we could see what was happening, but the confused smile on BIanca’s face is priceless.

Anyway, I hope the little ditty has cheered you up, whoever you are.

De Fluffe, Out.

To You

This is a special message to a special someone, who I know reads this (every now and then) and who will know when she reads this:

Please don’t pretend everything is okay. I mean, if it truly honestly is then I guess you’re not pretending but, as is, I know it’s not all real. I know pretending is a defense mechanism and I respect that, and you know I respect it, but you don’t have to be defensive around me and the other one (yes, sorry had to say “the other one”).

If something is the matter, please, please, please talk to us. No problem is too small or big, too trivial or hopeless. I take pride in knowing that I am one of the few who can make you genuinely smile, and it will “make me feel better” (a term you used when I had to get something off my chest to you, remember?) if I can also confidently know that you feel safe in coming to me.

I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you. I hope that’s enough affirmation for you to feel happy and comfortable around me. But I am so worried, and so is she. I know you tell us not to worry, and I know you say they’re just phases and imaginations, but I don’t care, I still worry. You know that I found heaps more white hairs? We stress each other out, right?

I probably should’ve left this for your end-of-year letter, because, well posting this publicly is so…public. But I don’t want you to read the letter and have it filled with bad negative stuff because I want that one to be as amazing and changing as your one.

So, my dear “you”, please lean on me. I’ll help you carry on.


Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?

Can you imagine no

Love, pride, deep-fried chicken,

Your best friend always sticking up for you?

Even when I know you’re wrong.

Can you imagine no

First dance, freeze-dried romance,

Five hour phone conversation,

The best soy latte that you ever had

And me?

I can talk to you about anything. And you can talk to me about anything. Why did it take 3 years for us to find that?

Lyrics: Drops of Jupiter – Train.


Last night was the 2008 MacRobertson Girls’ Speech Night.

For the whole day I had been out, because in the morning we had rehearsals. Then in the evening was the actual Speech Night.

The morning rehearsals were a drag even though we got to socialise a bit, despite the teachers’ many attempts at making us quiet. We made fun of the Endearing Brute – well I did, everyone else laughed – and I played DS for a while. April and Carmaine sat with me most of the time, Carmaine reading any magazine she could lay her hands on, and April being a general NUISANCE with texting EVIL TEXTS! Bianca texted me halfway through, with “I love you *mwah*” I replied “I love you more [rapes]”. And that, my dear reader, is how much I “love” her”. (Do NOT call the cops this is a joke. I don’t know, some people tend to take it seriously.)

Carmaine was reading a bit about “sexual encounters” and she showed April and I this rather disturbing little ditty which, to be vague, included cops, a ton of embarrassment, and some nasty anal thrusting, if you catch my obvious drift.

After rehearsals we went to State Library where Fel and Bee had to buy some books. Some of us went to Don Don’s to buy lunch, then Stoner and I went to Asian grocery to buy drinks. We ate on the steps of the library, and afterwards Bee, Shaz, Carmaine and a few other people who I can’t recall correctly went to go shopping, leaving Stoner and I going to Dani’s place carrying Carmaine’s large bag – and it was abnormally shaped, and hard to feel comfortable carrying. We found Son-, Vania, Dani and April – and Vania’s kickass sunnies – and Dani, April, Stone and I went to Dani’s place. We played with kittens, kicked out Eater who is getting big and annoying, and Lysh- had to be babysat – Dani’s baby sister, she is 2 and a bit. The tiny tot found extreme entertainment in counting to five and making me headbang. When my neck got sore we counted to five and pounded Dani’s butt. Bahaha to you, Dani. One kitten napped in my lap. Lazy cat, stretched out however he wanted and didn’t care about if I needed to get up. Cute-as, though.

Carmaine and D.P. arrived, April left, and at around 5 or later we went down to Pizza Hut. Stone left – and left her jacket at Dani’s place, so if you read this Stoner Dani has your jacket – and we took the pizza back upstairs to the apartment. D.P., Dani and Andrew brought drinks and a roast chicken. We fed, or rather D.P. fed, Lysh- small bits of meat and bread, and Eater ran around wanting food. One of the kittens, who Andrew named Tiger, decided to be cute and jumped and attached himself to my leg, then using all of his tiny claws he clambered up my – thank God, jeaned – leg and settled in my lap, staring up at me until I fed him. Well I didn’t, so suck. I wanted to take him home though. Have you ever had a tiny kitten stare up at you? You’d want to take him home too.

After dinner I changed into my winter uniform, only to have Carmaine not want to go. I changed back into casual and we played Big 2 with Little Cards. Then, for the next 3 hours, we just sat around messing up Dani’s apartment. 3 guys came, 2 of whom are from Melb. High and the other guy from Scotch. Scotch-boy was called Mike but after Andrew mentioned he looked like Sylar (from Heroes) with spiky hair I just called him Sylar, and made many jokes about him killing people. The other two guys are Dom and Jack, and Dom break dances and Jack is smart.

When Speech Night was about to end, Carmaine and D.P. changed into Winter. I didn’t. We took the tram down with the three guys, and then a bus because the tram wasn’t running. Carmaine and I were at Southern Cross (Spencer St, according to her) waiting for an 11 o’clock train when Carmaine’s mom called to take us home.

And here was the crazy stupid part of the night.

I decided to walk down Collins to Swanston, and thus to Fed Square, but I took her the wrong way.  Before we realized our mistake I made us get on a tram which, before I could react, took us to Docklands. Thanks to Carmaine, we found our way back to Bourke/Swanston, and we walked back to Fed Sq., having gone a huge circle and wasted half an hour. Carmaine’s mom’s friend drove us home, and by the time I hit the hay it was 1 am. (My excuse was I have shit sense of direction which Carmaine knows now, and that she should’ve led since she did Geography.)

And that, is that.

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. If anyone has a program from Speech Night that you don’t want can I have it?

Like a fat kid loves cake

I fucking love you two so much! Every song I listen to about friends and about being happy and love and so forth it makes me think of you two and it makes me smile.
I’d seriously do anything you ask of me (except learn to swim, and going to the formal. HA!) and I hope you do take advantage of that. Lean on me. Take my hand. Do whatever you want.

I’m your’s.

De Fluffe, Out.


How can you possibly think you’re doing a good job?

I shudder when I think that if it weren’t for people who I’d only met 3 years ago, I would turn out like you.

She’s right, I’m a much better person than you’d ever me. I’ll do everything in my power to be rid of you.

Fuck you. Fuck you and your selfish demands, your unfair rules, your narrowminded prejudice.

I pity you because I can’t trust you, the one person in the world whose trust should actually matter to you.

I loathe you because I can’t speak out, being bound by social shackles that were some twisted birthright.

And I’m not kidding when I say I’ve had thoughts about killing you for many years now.

You’re fucking pathetic, useless in the role you are meant to play. I learnt nothing from you but how to hate someone so wholeheartedly I’ve picked my fingernails bloody to keep from landing in jail.


It was a long day yesterday. And I LOVED IT!

And hooray, for having something to write about.

The day started with my walking to the bus stop, despite my mom’s invitation to drive me to the train station. I didn’t want to be in a car with her telling me and lecturing me about next year. The walk is much much better.

I arrived at school half an hour earlier than I’d planned, mostly due to funny bus times and extra trains (who would’ve thought Connex actually had more trains than before?) and went on my man-hunt for Jess-with-my-money-for-Jap-books. Got Julia to advertise and sell a couple of my books, and walked around with Nug trying to find said Jess. Found her in the gym. Got my money. Hoo-ah.

Sat with Carmaine and L- (okay, so she has 2 letters in her name so I had to censor it like that) in Methods orientation, then Julia Yr 10 joined me on my other side. Realized how thoroughly I need to revise over the holidays if I wanted to catch up, seeing as freakin’ Julia was smarter than me (I maintain that I will be the dumb Yr 12 and she the smart Yr 11). Saw Bee and other Peer Support people afterwards, and hung out with them. Sang happy birthday 3 times. Okay but I won’t go into detail as the day was long, and Bee is waiting to read what happened in the evening.

In singing rehearsals, I sat with Dani and April and Liz, and D.P. was in front of me. Endearing Brute kept on stopping after every song – technically, just before every song, which drove us mad because we were all taking a breath to start the next son when she stopped us – and we were all chattering when Endearing Brute screamed “SILENCE!” True to our nature, Dani and I both shrieked (softly) “I KILL YOU!” April rolled her eyes and Miss Har- who was standing next to us looked thoroughly confused, but not angry. I don’t think she likes Endearing Brute very much.

Mumbled our way through Gaudeamus and Vale, then it was OUT TIME! After an impatient wait, a few of us went to Dani’s apartment, to start preparing for the BBQ. But, of course, the kittens were there. Who cares about a BBQ when you’ve got tiny curious kittens trying to eat your stockings? D.P. had a cat stuck on her stockings and pull as she might, she can’t get the cat off. Poor kitten was in the Superman position, absolutely refusing to let go of its prized possession. I had to go in and pry the fibre off its claw. Diep had 3 kittens at the most crawling around her, and Andrew had one on his bum. He tried to shake it off but we all screamed at him to stop. Apparently the kitten was more important than Andrew not having his bum scratched out.

Finally we went down to start cooking for the BBQ. Soph, Fra- and Shaz arrived, as did two of Dani’s old friends. I had to leave after eating half a sausage to buy a text book from a Yr 12 – thus nearly completing my book requirements for next year – and so I walked all the way from Dani’s apartment back to the school, a good sold 20 minutes’ walk, then, when I’ve NEARLY made it back to Dani’s apartment, my dear Carmaine calls me from the school to pick her up. So I start walking back to the school, I find her – it was hard, for some reason – and we make it back to the apartment in time for her to take nearly 20 minutes to change, wrap Dani’s presents and for me to play with the kittens more. Dis- and Leanne were both there when I got back, as were Marco and Nat and a couple of other people. By the time we all went downstairs, the food was mostly gone, it was windy and cold, and I had some of Sonia’s boob cake (don’t ask, won’t tell). Actually, the boob cake was good.

After screaming out happy birthday for the 4th time that day, 2nd time to Dani, and eating the cake, watching the other Asians camwhore, cleaning up – something that only Andrew and Dani did, ha – we all went back upstairs, played with kittens (Eater tried to eat us. Car- was very much scared. She couldn’t go pee without making sure Eater was well clear) and then decided to head off for KBox – karaoke.

Somehow, we lost a bunch of people getting on the tram. By the time we got to KBox, only Dis, Soph, Andrew, Dani, D.P., Carmaine Diep and I were there. KBox was booked out (bastards) so we went to Party World. Party World wasn’t open and plus was too expensive (double bastards) and by that time Dani was very very very annoyed. We thought about watching James Bond but in the end, decided to go to an Asian grocery, buy a whole heap of food, and going back to Dani’s apartment to eat and watch DVD. Lost Dis- and D.P. along the way. We started watching The Bee Movie, but the sound file was not working so we watched Ghost Rider instead.

It was crap. Didn’t get it. Didn’t like it. All I remember is Andrew yelling “BULLFUCK!” in a particular scene. Carmaine retorted “Isn it usually ‘bullshit’?” and she looked at me for confirmation. Being engrossed in how J.B. was going to jump pver 30 trucks, it took me over 5 seconds to reply, “yeah that’s right.”

Speaking of Andrew vs Carmaine. Bee, you remember on the photoshoot day there were remarks about the size of both parties’ eyes made? Well last night it was taken to a whole NEW LEVEL. Andrew tried to integrate a “because your eyes are too small” joke about Carmaine in EVERY SINGLE SITUATION. Eg, Carmaine: “I want to kick him but I can’t because he’s attached to Dani.” Andrew: “It’s just ‘cos your eyes are too small you can’t tell the difference between Dani and me.”

Carmaine and I left Dani’s at around 10, much to my parents’ distaste. On our train there was a business-looking woman listening to loud doof-doof music on her leaky headphones. Needless to say, I started to bop to her music.

Slept at 12. The rained hard and long (Ha. Ha. Ha.) this morning and it was nice to be in bed listening to the pounding.

Carmaine and I both agreed that a day out is much better than a day in. Dani’s place is like a place of freedom, of fun, of independence. Go Dani!

And so concludes yesterday. Julia Yr 11 is going overseas tomorrow. Jen and the Jap crew had touched down in Japan yesterday. I’m not goin’ anywhere.

De Fluffe, Out.


I think, for now, I can be content just sitting on the couch with some good munchies and a solid supply of decent sitcoms.

It’s strange – at least, I find it strange – that I can be so tired of life sometimes. I can wake up with absolutely no outlook on anything, not wishing or wanting to get up out of bed but knowing I should. I’ll make it to lunchtime before my eyelids feel thick and heavy, and I want to just bury my face in my blankets and sleep the heaviness away.

Then, other times, I’d miss another voice, another face so much that I’d pick up the phone to annoy someone, or look through my pictures just to see those loved faces. I’d dredge up memories of laughter just to take the buzzing blue feeling away.

Content. I love doing things with people. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I’ve done things with people, like going shopping and finding something that either I or they wanted, or having watched a movie and discuss it, or go bowling and, win or lose, witnessed a funny moment I could relive later. But I love even more quiet conversations, heads huddled together, whispering secrets that I’d never say louder, giggling at things that mean nothing.

Like the bankside bench, like the nap.

De Fluffe, Out.


I’m falling,

My Princess can’t save me.

The only person who can catch me is

The one who I’d fallen for.

I don’t know what’s worse:

The inevitable crash,

Or the wait;

I don’t know which will kill me.

Or was I the one who ended myself?

– Please save me, I’ve been waiting. Been aching far too long.


I’m trying to learn this song. I hope when Jen does guitar she’ll learn this song with me so we can perform it together (if my singing is bad I’ll find someone) even though it “lacks something” but has a “good chorus”, according to Jen.

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin’
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin’ you, holdin’ you, holdin’ you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn’t wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you SAT AND told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here…

I sing,
“Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin’ you, holdin’ you, holdin’ you tonight”

I sing,
“Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin’ you, holdin’ you, holdin’ you tonight”