A Bit Of Comic Relief…At Someone Else’s Expense

What other kind of comedy is there? I mean, in the end the funniest kind of comedy is always when someone else is suffering right? “Any amount of pain, just below death, is funny,” said Jim Carrey (or Steve Carell. Damn I can’t remember.)

So, on my blogroll sits a link to a site called Overheard Everywhere. For those who might not have caught onto what Overheard Everywhere is about, it’s a site where people contribute quotes or conversations they overhear, all over the world. As Vania had once done (dude, I really need to stop leeching off you. We all know how much leeches are a bother), I’ll put up some rather funny ones:

(Warning: I don’t have a good sense of inappropriateness. So, unlike Vania, my choices might have a lot of swearing or huge sexual references. Huge. Yeah…)

Girl #1: What’s an orgasm?
Girl #2: It’s like when two people get excited during sex.
Girl #1: So, like, when they go “rawwwrr!”
Girl #2: Uh…yeah. Sure.

—

College guy: This must be a joke. We live in a city called “Cumming,” we have a store called “BJ’s,” and a store called “Dick’s,” and a “Siemens” water tower.

—
Dad to little girl: I’m going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Dad! I don’t want to eat a puppy.
Dad: I’m not going to feed you a puppy, I’m going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Oh, that’s okay, I like puppies.

—

Ten-year-old girl to passing adult man: What’s your name?
Mother, scolding: Do you have to hit on every man you see?

—

Asian chick: I’m going to meet my old boss at that Thai restaurant. You know, the one with the woman that feels me up.
Asian dude: Oh, yeah. Aren’t all Thai women bisexual?

—

Nurse #1 (during break): I hope you don’t mind, I took one of your cigarettes from your purse because I was really craving one.
Nurse #2: it’s no problem. (pause) Wait. Was it my last one?
Nurse #1: Yeah…is that a problem?
Nurse #2 (furious): Are you fucking kidding me?!
Nurse #1: Yeah, yeah, relax! I was just kidding. There’s two more in there.
Nurse #2: Oh my god. Don’t joke about things like that.
Nurse #1 (nervously): Hahaha. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared for my life just now.
Nurse #2 (seriously): And I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t thinking of places to hide your body.

—

Physical education teacher, demonstrating the overhead smash in badminton: So I’m gonna find myself in a bad position and Sean is just gonna unload on me.

—

Elderly woman: I can’t believe they let you sell Obama cookies here! Tsk!
Employee: Ma’am, those are just gingerbread cookies.

—

Whiny three-year-old: Mom! I’m hungry! I’m huuuungryyyyy!
Mother (calmly, without missing a beat): Well, you should probably shut up.

—

Emo boy: Matt! Tell her how you fucked up your face!
Matt: I was rubbing one out in the shower and when I came, my knees gave out and I hit my head on the faucet.
Emo girl (gasping and laughing hysterically): That is best thing I have ever heard!

—

Drunk lesbian to sober girlfriend: Aw, I wanna puke but I can’t!
Sober girlfriend: I would punch you in the stomach if you wanted …that’s how much I love you.
Drunk lesbian: Awww, that’s sweet.

—

Drunk girl looking at digital camera: Sometimes I’m having such a good time I look Chinese.

—

I hope you’ve all had a laugh from that.

On a side note, you might have noticed I’ve changed the theme of my blog. It took me ages to decide on one I liked. I know that having a lot of writing on an inverse background (that is, black background, white writing) is not good and people tend to not read that, but I’ll take my chances. And besides now I have to not write too much, in case people stop reading.

And, since we’re on the topic of changes, I’ve adopted Vania and Julia’s habit of replying a comment within the comment. So if you think that I’m simply not replying you anymore, because you don’t see an increase in comment count, that’s not true; check into your comment.

Keep Cool (and stay looking Chinese)

D.F.

Super Saiyan Kiwi

Yeah, because like hell Kiwis will ever able to kick ass like a real Super Saiyan. Since they don’t have arms, they can’t even perform the Kamehameha attack, or do the Fusion Dance with another animal that HAS arms. Do they even have ears? If they don’t, then that’s the Fusion Earrings gone.

But hey kudos to dolphy for making it up! It’s hilarious. S/he also did the Ninja Kiwi:

Keep Cool (and kickin’, and gruntin’ and all them Saiyan stuff)

D.F.

Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend

No, my entry isn’t about someone jumping. I’ve just had that song stuck in my head all day.

So, I know it’s late but I’m posting because I can’t sleep. Today was 42 degrees (celcius. That’s way over 100 in farenheit). Right now I don’t think we’re under 30. We have aircon but it’s not the same. Anyway. The point is I went out today.

For those who know me, you know I hate and do not do well in heat. I was okay for the first half hour maybe but after a while I started feeling crummy and dizzy.

Okay so let me explain in detail. Which I do anyway.

At around 5:20 mom came home and dropped me off at the train station. Was hot. Bee came, and Carmaine was late by about 2 minutes, as in, a train left 2 minutes before she arrived. Was hot. Randomy guy  missing a leg sat down next to us and started talking to us. We all gave fake names but I’d like to think I did it smoother than the other two (haha but I like the names you picked). Bee told the guy to go away in a nice way. Guy went away. Poor guy. Random asked Bee if she was okay. I laughed a little. Well hell, I did try to get his attention but Bee and Carmaine were dressed rather…sexily? So he didn’t pay attention to lil ol’ me.

Waited until 6:20 for the next train. Was hot. Waited in Grand Tofu, and then as we came out saw Ann from Jan&Ann. Talked to her for a bit. Funny chick. Started school today.

Got on train, thank GOD for aircon. Got to city a bit late and took the tram down to what we thought was Lonsdale. Passed D.P. and a mass of Asians (well…THE mass of Asians) and realized that what we thought was Lonsdale was actually La Trobe. Walked back down to Lonsdale and then up Lonsdale to Stalactite. Was hot. Went upstairs, arriving “fashionably late”. Sat, ordered food and drink. There were a bunch of people there that…well I didn’t know and I still don’t know. And Andrew got a haircut and we made fun of it from across the table. Sorry Andrew.

During dinner a moth came in and Sab- is scared of all things that fly. She cried actually, because she was so scared of it. Ate dinner, and left the restaurant. Oh, halfway through eating CJ showed up! Was rather awesome to meet her finally.

Walked around back onto Swanston, and Carmaine took a tie off Dom. It was white, so against her dark tanned skin and her black dress it was fluro. That was funny in pictures. Took a tram down Swanston to Fed Square, and on the tram we remarked that Dani was actually less emo than Carmaine (Dani wearing a floral dress and Carmaine in black). Carmaine then said, “No it doesn’t work, because I haven’t got red on.” I said, “Yeah you do. Your sunburn.” Andrew laughed. Go Andrew. Carmaine wasn’t too thrilled haha but it was worth it. I thought it was a good joke.

Passed a huge line of emos. Dani said that Bullet For My Valentine was playing so we were all saying, “ohhh” knowingly. Got to Fed Square and lost a bunch of people (not that mattered because they were all people I didn’t know). Got Slurpees and as Carmaine and I were getting our’s, I said, “Say when”. She never said “when” so I kept going until it spilled over. See, Carmaine, you have to say when.

Basically hung out outside of the SevenEleven. Took pictures. Then Carmaine dropped her camera and it fucked up. We were all really sad and shocked. That camera has really seen us through some tough times. I love that camera, man. Year 9, Year 10, Ski Camp, Last Day 2007, Year 11, Formal (not that I was there. And EmPow tried to start something about me going to the formal this year tonight), Last Day 2008, and all the memories in between. That camera is awesome. Anyway, Carmained fixed it later. Then D.P. left so everyone started leaving. Bee, EmPow, Carmaine, Dom and I went to Maccas for the soft serve, only to have the idiots tell us that ice cream machine was broken (assholes). Saw CJ again, randomly coming in. Tried to get worker’s discount off’a her but to no avail. Went to Hungry Jack’s next door. I hate Hungry Jack’s soft serves. Taste like baby powder milk. Bye to Dom, and we were on the train home. Exhausted. EmPow tried to read “In The Lake Of The Woods” but to no avail. Bianca tried to help me search for my soul (and I love you Carmaine for saying my best quality is “loyalty”) and Carmaine wouldn’t femez her legs. Ha.

It was hot. Today was hot, undeniably. I felt dizzy on several occasions and am nursing a headache. Big love to Carmaine and Bee for looking after me and asking if I was okay and alive frequently. And, apart from the fact that in heels you scare the crap out of me, I thank you for the hugs, Carmaine.

And now I shall just switch my brain off. I don’t do well in heat, at all. Winters for me.

Keep Cool (oh the fucking irony)

D.F.

P.S. I totally forgot to mention that this was all for D.P.’s 17th birthday which was 4 days ago. Haha sorry my bad. Happy birthday dear. We tried to sing it but only I managed to do it all.

Psychic Moment For The Day #1

Since these occurences have actually been frequently showing up, I thought I might just note a few down.

For example once when I was feeling sick, and as I was about to text Bianca she called me.

Or when Bianca and I both realized that we’d done the exact same amount of Maths homework on the same day. And subsequently we both finished on the same day.

Or when Carmaine and I had that grunted conversation (if life was a sitcom, we’d have captions and a bucketload of laughter).

Anyway, Psychic Moment For The Day (“It’s not ‘psyCHIC’, it’s ‘psyCHO'” Go Bekchie haha):

Because tomorrow I’m going out, I decided to call up Carmaine to confirm train times. I went to pick up my phone, and was about to hit ‘5’ to speed dial to her, when I decided that I should turn on the air-con first. So I went about switching it on and opening the windows because we have one of those ventilation systems. Then, I went back to my phone and called her. After a few words, she said, “You know, I’m still on the plane.” She’d just touched down and I could even hear the flight attendant telling everyone that they can unboard later on. So some sort of psychic waves told me that Carmaine had JUST TOUCHED DOWN, and if I’d called earlier she would’ve had her phone off (or I could’ve made them crash) and any later she’d be going through customs.

Psychic Moment For The Day. We’ll see when I get more.

Keep Cool (nothing psychic there. It’s gonna be 4 hot days with the mercury above 40),

D.F.

If only…

If it weren’t for the extra NON-COMPULSORY Chinese homework, I would have just finished ALL of my holidays homework, bar printing out and sticking on.

I realized that I do homework and study better when my parents are NOT around to supervise. When they are around, I’d do maybe 3 maths questions before giving up and setting it aside. But today, they both went out to the city to meet a friend and celebrate Chinese New Year, and I went and finished 3 exercises in Maths without taking a single break (even to pee. That was a small mistake. I’ll pee next time).

Anyway, I’m just wondering on how to break it to them.

“I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me. Well, I guess it is you. But I don’t know why! I’m just as confused as you are.”

“We just can’t be together when studying is involved. I think it’s better for the both of us.”

“Look, I’m gonna be home late. I got a lot of studying to do. Don’t wait up.”

“I’m studying with someone else.”

Happy CNY to all you Asians, and Aussie Day to all you Aussies. I don’t know, either the shit can really go down with the racist things, or we might have one of the best CNY/AD ever because everyone would just be partying.

新年快乐

Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!

Yeah…

Keep Cool (and studying hard. All. Night. Long.)

D.F.

Fearless or Talentless?

I’ve wondered a bit whether I don’t listen to mainstream music much now because I actually don’t like mainstream, and like my own punk/rock, whatever, grungey music, or because saying that I don’t listen to mainstream is kinda “cool”.

The truth is, I still listen to mainstream sometimes. Mainstream doesn’t necessarily have to spew out really bad music. I mean, I had my iTunes on shuffle yesterday and Pink’s Nobody Knows came on. I stopped and listened to it, because I haven’t heard it in a while. She’s good. Then again, so did “I Wish I Was A Punk Rock Girl”, what a one-hit-wonder, and yeah that wasn’t so good.

Anyway, the point of this is, I realized recently that maybe I wasn’t not listening to mainstream for the sake of it, but because it shelters me from crap. Certain crap such as TAYLOR SWIFT! How could she possibly be making all that money and fame from her CRAPTACULAR TALENTLESSNESS?! Bee says that it’s the music video for “Love Story”, because it’s fairytale and prince and all that shit, and that’s what all the girls want. I scoffed. She can’t sing. She can’t act, and her face looks like a mouse. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but kudos to Eyebrows Jonas for dumping her.

I’m just shuddering at the thought of going back to school, and having all the stupid tweeny juniors sing her songs in the corridors. I don’t care if I get a reputation for being a bitchy senior; I’m going to tell them to shut up.

Keep Cool (and in-tune)
D.F.

Scream

And so the inevitable crash.

And so the inexplicable darkness.

I needed you. Couldn’t you feel it?

It’s Beautiful, Man!

I went out today with Bee to watch YesMan and then had lunch with Carmaine and Eunice.

Haha, if only all my blogs were that short.

Regardless of how fucking hot it was yesterday (because I didn’t go out at all – score) I still maintain that today was close to being unbearable. Anything above 26 is pretty bad for me. I said to Bee, “I hope this winter is a cold one because we get to wear our own clothes so we don’t have to be stuffed in school uniform.” and she argued that our uniform isn’t that bad. But still. Those blazers stink when wet.

I took my walk to the bus stop and as I was sitting there waiting, April called. So I chatted a bit, and got on the bus, and Bee got on at her stop down the road, and at the end of the bus ride I nearly toppled over the seat in front of me because it – the bus – braked suddenly and I was in one of the back seats.

Bee laughed. Jerk (not really. I deserved it).

We went to the Glen and I got my recharge (yeah, there’s a gripe behind that that more or less goes along the lines of “stupid Optus”) and then went back to the cinemas and bought out tickets. Who do we see being the solitary ticket girl? Pam. Yep, I had actually thought this morning that it would be rather funny if we got Pam for our ticket chick and sure enough, Pam was our ticket chick. So of course I asked to be put down to children tickets. Gotta love Pam. Chatted a bit (but not too much) and then I got my Chop Top and we went up to see YesMan.

We got there rather early, and were the first ones in the cinema so we just talked loudly to each other until one of the guys who I suppose makes sure the cinema is in good shape came in, and according to Bee he was “really cute” and he chatted with us for a bit with his “nice voice” and then after that a few more people came in so we couldn’t talk loudly anymore.

Anyway, so my two cents on YesMan.

It wasn’t the best movie that Jim Carrey has done, then again Jack Black and Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler have all gone a bit kooky (granted I’ve yet to see Tropic Thunder so don’t hold me on my words there). But I had some pretty good laughs and came out of it feeling like I could…say yes to ANYTHING! (Except, as Bee found out soon enough, wear a dress. Ha.) But there was a rather sweet scene in a barn in the rain when the lead girl Alisha suddenly hugs Carl (Carrey) and I’m sorry, I nearly said “aww” there. Or maybe I did. The old lady “repaying Carl for his kindness”, that part, that was rather disturbing. Because he actually liked it.

After the movie, we were a little late to the pre-arranged meet time for lunch at The Arena in the Glen near David Jones (nearly 9 years living in this area and I’ve never been there) and so Carmaine and Eunice were there already when we got there. I said to Bee later on, “You either miss someone like crazy from the get-go, or you don’t realize how much you’ve missed them until you see them again.” And somehow both were the case today. Because I’d been on the phone with Bee a lot I hadn’t been out of contact per se with her as much, but I hadn’t talked to Carmaine and Eunice much at all and it was incredibly good to be BRuCE again, just being retards (or just me. Look I was influenced by Carrey, alright? Got a big loud and gesture-y) and laughing and catching up.

I ordered a really big burger, unfortunately it wasn’t good enough to warrant a “this burger is so good…”  but the fries were really good, and everyone kept on nipping one or two there.

We went to Country Road, then David Jones (you may remember The Arena was NEXT TO David Jones and Country Road IS NOT) and then went out to Real Gelati near the library. I saw Carmen working there! (I mentioned Carmen a couple months back from Chinese school) And so we chatted for a bit, and then we…went back to David Jones for Carmaine to be picked up by her mom – who was really nice and wished me a Happy Chinese New Year. Eunice and I had a couple of “Your Face” moments before that, and a lot of high-fives (or burger-five, or parody-five) were passed around. I even made Bee high-five me a couple of times.

Eunice went down the escalator (sorry, chronological disorder. This was all before saying bye to Carmaine at David Jones) and so Carmaine and I shouted down from the first floor “BYE EUNICE!” And yeah it was fun to embarrass her like that. You should try it. You, in general.

Bee and I took the bus home to her place, and we watched Scrubs. Oh, Eunice, we watched the episode with the line “I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it.”

Mom picked me up – and with the fact that she has a phone now, I called her on her MOBILE to confirm I was at Bee’s place – and came home and my face is hurting a bit so I’m guessing I got a bit burnt. Yes. I burn easily. Laugh it up, mortals, laugh it up. Because…THIS…IS WHAT A MONSTER LOOKS LIKE…[throws glitter in face].

I don’t think I’ve ever employed my [] in blogging before. Have I?

In one scene in YesMan, Carl stopped a guy from jumping because he played a song on the guitar, an instrument he learned in a whim. I think if I can stop one person from jumping by playing them a song, it’s worth it.

I have no idea how I hit 1000 words already but I should stop.

Keep Cool (apparently),

D.F.

Smile

Tonight, I watched the episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon had to smile (the long name that Leonard says is the name of their Indian friend).

I think Jim Parsons is pretty awesome (to be Sheldon), and Sheldon is – even though like hell he’d be my roommate – a pretty funny person. I mean, at least he tried.

Keep Cool (and smilin’)

D.F.

Like a marathon

I’m a pretty huge fan of talking and writing in metaphors and analogies and whatnot. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it. A lot of the times when friends come to me for help, I’ve tried to put their situation into an analogy so they can sort of see how to get out of it. I guess in a way I’m like a nicer and…slightly less intimidating version of S- Sensei.

What had happened was, and I hope it’s okay for me to share this story, Sensei would give us analogies of what was happening with our schoolwork. So once when I wrote an essay too long, and wrote a criteria out of range, he told me that by doing that I’ve basically received 2 black eyes. A double knockout. Because not only did I get marks taken off for going over the limit, I’ve also not filled in the criteria because they don’t mark what is out of range. Anyway, there was the one memorable one. A student was struggling a little in class, and went to Sensei to ask whether she should continue Japanese for Yr 12. His response (my closest recollection to her paraphrasing of what he said) was this:

“Imagine that we are all playing a game of basketball, but you are really fat. So even if you run around a lot, and you shout ‘pass me the ball!’ and you do this and you do that, you’re still fat, and you’re going to be very tired after the first quarter. Everyone else is skinny and healthy, so they can keep running but you’re fat so you’re going to die by halftime. This is you in Japanese. You are the fat basketball player.”

So, basically, I think he wasn’t so hot on her continuing Japanese. I thought he could’ve said, “Look I know you’re trying your best but the workload in Yr 12 is even harder so many this isn’t the best choice for you.” or something along those nice lines that teachers are made to say. Kudos to him though, for voicing it in a humorous way.

I think there was a time when a friend of mine was having relationship problems – or rather, problems with getting over it – and I said something like, “Ultimately, this is a bridge that you have to build alone, to get over. I mean, we your friends have given you the materials and the support and all that, but you’re gonna have to build the thing. It’s tempting to just stay on the side you are now, but I think to move on, you’d have to build that bridge.” I think she’s really on her way to doing it.

Okay, but the metaphor/analogy (I’d say metaphor) that made me smile today was this:

(I had to edit out bits that would make it personal)

“Think of your relationship as a marathon. You start off a little jerkily then you settle into a rhythm once you get into it. Sooner or later though you’ll hit a curve or an obstacle and you have to deal with it, If you don’t your [sic] stuck there not going anywhere. But once you get past it you’ve gained that much more and it means something, even if it’s small. Then you keep going. “

And the more I thought about that the more right she was (whoever the hell you are, you crazy thing). At the start of a friendship, you’re so energized, you feel you can sprint the whole way. Then you slow down, maybe tire out. It’s once you settle into that rhythm, and time gets its claws into you, that you can really test out your endurance. So many runners fall out, they give up. But if you last the distance, that feeling that you get when you cross the finish line, it’s like you’re “on top of the world” as I was told recently. And yeah, on the way you’ll meet potholes, snakes, hobos, whatever, but they’re mere distractions. They’re not world-ending.

I’m interested in making a VCE metaphor that includes piranhas and Tasmania Jones (OH NO I DIDN’T!)

Keep Cool (and runnin’)

D.F.

P.S. Yeah I actually just thought about signing off with “Keep Cool” and then something to do with the blog I just wrote. Let’s see how long I can last doing that.