A Bit Of Comic Relief…At Someone Else’s Expense

What other kind of comedy is there? I mean, in the end the funniest kind of comedy is always when someone else is suffering right? “Any amount of pain, just below death, is funny,” said Jim Carrey (or Steve Carell. Damn I can’t remember.)

So, on my blogroll sits a link to a site called Overheard Everywhere. For those who might not have caught onto what Overheard Everywhere is about, it’s a site where people contribute quotes or conversations they overhear, all over the world. As Vania had once done (dude, I really need to stop leeching off you. We all know how much leeches are a bother), I’ll put up some rather funny ones:

(Warning: I don’t have a good sense of inappropriateness. So, unlike Vania, my choices might have a lot of swearing or huge sexual references. Huge. Yeah…)

Girl #1: What’s an orgasm?
Girl #2: It’s like when two people get excited during sex.
Girl #1: So, like, when they go “rawwwrr!”
Girl #2: Uh…yeah. Sure.


College guy: This must be a joke. We live in a city called “Cumming,” we have a store called “BJ’s,” and a store called “Dick’s,” and a “Siemens” water tower.


Dad to little girl: I’m going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Dad! I don’t want to eat a puppy.
Dad: I’m not going to feed you a puppy, I’m going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Oh, that’s okay, I like puppies.

Ten-year-old girl to passing adult man: What’s your name?
Mother, scolding: Do you have to hit on every man you see?

Asian chick: I’m going to meet my old boss at that Thai restaurant. You know, the one with the woman that feels me up.
Asian dude: Oh, yeah. Aren’t all Thai women bisexual?

Nurse #1 (during break): I hope you don’t mind, I took one of your cigarettes from your purse because I was really craving one.
Nurse #2: it’s no problem. (pause) Wait. Was it my last one?
Nurse #1: Yeah…is that a problem?
Nurse #2 (furious): Are you fucking kidding me?!
Nurse #1: Yeah, yeah, relax! I was just kidding. There’s two more in there.
Nurse #2: Oh my god. Don’t joke about things like that.
Nurse #1 (nervously): Hahaha. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared for my life just now.
Nurse #2 (seriously): And I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t thinking of places to hide your body.

Physical education teacher, demonstrating the overhead smash in badminton: So I’m gonna find myself in a bad position and Sean is just gonna unload on me.

Elderly woman: I can’t believe they let you sell Obama cookies here! Tsk!
Employee: Ma’am, those are just gingerbread cookies.

Whiny three-year-old: Mom! I’m hungry! I’m huuuungryyyyy!
Mother (calmly, without missing a beat): Well, you should probably shut up.

Emo boy: Matt! Tell her how you fucked up your face!
Matt: I was rubbing one out in the shower and when I came, my knees gave out and I hit my head on the faucet.
Emo girl (gasping and laughing hysterically): That is best thing I have ever heard!

Drunk lesbian to sober girlfriend: Aw, I wanna puke but I can’t!
Sober girlfriend: I would punch you in the stomach if you wanted …that’s how much I love you.
Drunk lesbian: Awww, that’s sweet.

Drunk girl looking at digital camera: Sometimes I’m having such a good time I look Chinese.

I hope you’ve all had a laugh from that.

On a side note, you might have noticed I’ve changed the theme of my blog. It took me ages to decide on one I liked. I know that having a lot of writing on an inverse background (that is, black background, white writing) is not good and people tend to not read that, but I’ll take my chances. And besides now I have to not write too much, in case people stop reading.

And, since we’re on the topic of changes, I’ve adopted Vania and Julia’s habit of replying a comment within the comment. So if you think that I’m simply not replying you anymore, because you don’t see an increase in comment count, that’s not true; check into your comment.

Keep Cool (and stay looking Chinese)

D.F.

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Super Saiyan Kiwi

Yeah, because like hell Kiwis will ever able to kick ass like a real Super Saiyan. Since they don’t have arms, they can’t even perform the Kamehameha attack, or do the Fusion Dance with another animal that HAS arms. Do they even have ears? If they don’t, then that’s the Fusion Earrings gone.

But hey kudos to dolphy for making it up! It’s hilarious. S/he also did the Ninja Kiwi:

Keep Cool (and kickin’, and gruntin’ and all them Saiyan stuff)

D.F.

Wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend

No, my entry isn’t about someone jumping. I’ve just had that song stuck in my head all day.

So, I know it’s late but I’m posting because I can’t sleep. Today was 42 degrees (celcius. That’s way over 100 in farenheit). Right now I don’t think we’re under 30. We have aircon but it’s not the same. Anyway. The point is I went out today.

For those who know me, you know I hate and do not do well in heat. I was okay for the first half hour maybe but after a while I started feeling crummy and dizzy.

Okay so let me explain in detail. Which I do anyway.

At around 5:20 mom came home and dropped me off at the train station. Was hot. Bee came, and Carmaine was late by about 2 minutes, as in, a train left 2 minutes before she arrived. Was hot. Randomy guy  missing a leg sat down next to us and started talking to us. We all gave fake names but I’d like to think I did it smoother than the other two (haha but I like the names you picked). Bee told the guy to go away in a nice way. Guy went away. Poor guy. Random asked Bee if she was okay. I laughed a little. Well hell, I did try to get his attention but Bee and Carmaine were dressed rather…sexily? So he didn’t pay attention to lil ol’ me.

Waited until 6:20 for the next train. Was hot. Waited in Grand Tofu, and then as we came out saw Ann from Jan&Ann. Talked to her for a bit. Funny chick. Started school today.

Got on train, thank GOD for aircon. Got to city a bit late and took the tram down to what we thought was Lonsdale. Passed D.P. and a mass of Asians (well…THE mass of Asians) and realized that what we thought was Lonsdale was actually La Trobe. Walked back down to Lonsdale and then up Lonsdale to Stalactite. Was hot. Went upstairs, arriving “fashionably late”. Sat, ordered food and drink. There were a bunch of people there that…well I didn’t know and I still don’t know. And Andrew got a haircut and we made fun of it from across the table. Sorry Andrew.

During dinner a moth came in and Sab- is scared of all things that fly. She cried actually, because she was so scared of it. Ate dinner, and left the restaurant. Oh, halfway through eating CJ showed up! Was rather awesome to meet her finally.

Walked around back onto Swanston, and Carmaine took a tie off Dom. It was white, so against her dark tanned skin and her black dress it was fluro. That was funny in pictures. Took a tram down Swanston to Fed Square, and on the tram we remarked that Dani was actually less emo than Carmaine (Dani wearing a floral dress and Carmaine in black). Carmaine then said, “No it doesn’t work, because I haven’t got red on.” I said, “Yeah you do. Your sunburn.” Andrew laughed. Go Andrew. Carmaine wasn’t too thrilled haha but it was worth it. I thought it was a good joke.

Passed a huge line of emos. Dani said that Bullet For My Valentine was playing so we were all saying, “ohhh” knowingly. Got to Fed Square and lost a bunch of people (not that mattered because they were all people I didn’t know). Got Slurpees and as Carmaine and I were getting our’s, I said, “Say when”. She never said “when” so I kept going until it spilled over. See, Carmaine, you have to say when.

Basically hung out outside of the SevenEleven. Took pictures. Then Carmaine dropped her camera and it fucked up. We were all really sad and shocked. That camera has really seen us through some tough times. I love that camera, man. Year 9, Year 10, Ski Camp, Last Day 2007, Year 11, Formal (not that I was there. And EmPow tried to start something about me going to the formal this year tonight), Last Day 2008, and all the memories in between. That camera is awesome. Anyway, Carmained fixed it later. Then D.P. left so everyone started leaving. Bee, EmPow, Carmaine, Dom and I went to Maccas for the soft serve, only to have the idiots tell us that ice cream machine was broken (assholes). Saw CJ again, randomly coming in. Tried to get worker’s discount off’a her but to no avail. Went to Hungry Jack’s next door. I hate Hungry Jack’s soft serves. Taste like baby powder milk. Bye to Dom, and we were on the train home. Exhausted. EmPow tried to read “In The Lake Of The Woods” but to no avail. Bianca tried to help me search for my soul (and I love you Carmaine for saying my best quality is “loyalty”) and Carmaine wouldn’t femez her legs. Ha.

It was hot. Today was hot, undeniably. I felt dizzy on several occasions and am nursing a headache. Big love to Carmaine and Bee for looking after me and asking if I was okay and alive frequently. And, apart from the fact that in heels you scare the crap out of me, I thank you for the hugs, Carmaine.

And now I shall just switch my brain off. I don’t do well in heat, at all. Winters for me.

Keep Cool (oh the fucking irony)

D.F.

P.S. I totally forgot to mention that this was all for D.P.’s 17th birthday which was 4 days ago. Haha sorry my bad. Happy birthday dear. We tried to sing it but only I managed to do it all.

Psychic Moment For The Day #1

Since these occurences have actually been frequently showing up, I thought I might just note a few down.

For example once when I was feeling sick, and as I was about to text Bianca she called me.

Or when Bianca and I both realized that we’d done the exact same amount of Maths homework on the same day. And subsequently we both finished on the same day.

Or when Carmaine and I had that grunted conversation (if life was a sitcom, we’d have captions and a bucketload of laughter).

Anyway, Psychic Moment For The Day (“It’s not ‘psyCHIC’, it’s ‘psyCHO'” Go Bekchie haha):

Because tomorrow I’m going out, I decided to call up Carmaine to confirm train times. I went to pick up my phone, and was about to hit ‘5’ to speed dial to her, when I decided that I should turn on the air-con first. So I went about switching it on and opening the windows because we have one of those ventilation systems. Then, I went back to my phone and called her. After a few words, she said, “You know, I’m still on the plane.” She’d just touched down and I could even hear the flight attendant telling everyone that they can unboard later on. So some sort of psychic waves told me that Carmaine had JUST TOUCHED DOWN, and if I’d called earlier she would’ve had her phone off (or I could’ve made them crash) and any later she’d be going through customs.

Psychic Moment For The Day. We’ll see when I get more.

Keep Cool (nothing psychic there. It’s gonna be 4 hot days with the mercury above 40),

D.F.

If only…

If it weren’t for the extra NON-COMPULSORY Chinese homework, I would have just finished ALL of my holidays homework, bar printing out and sticking on.

I realized that I do homework and study better when my parents are NOT around to supervise. When they are around, I’d do maybe 3 maths questions before giving up and setting it aside. But today, they both went out to the city to meet a friend and celebrate Chinese New Year, and I went and finished 3 exercises in Maths without taking a single break (even to pee. That was a small mistake. I’ll pee next time).

Anyway, I’m just wondering on how to break it to them.

“I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me. Well, I guess it is you. But I don’t know why! I’m just as confused as you are.”

“We just can’t be together when studying is involved. I think it’s better for the both of us.”

“Look, I’m gonna be home late. I got a lot of studying to do. Don’t wait up.”

“I’m studying with someone else.”

Happy CNY to all you Asians, and Aussie Day to all you Aussies. I don’t know, either the shit can really go down with the racist things, or we might have one of the best CNY/AD ever because everyone would just be partying.

新年快乐

Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!

Yeah…

Keep Cool (and studying hard. All. Night. Long.)

D.F.

Fearless or Talentless?

I’ve wondered a bit whether I don’t listen to mainstream music much now because I actually don’t like mainstream, and like my own punk/rock, whatever, grungey music, or because saying that I don’t listen to mainstream is kinda “cool”.

The truth is, I still listen to mainstream sometimes. Mainstream doesn’t necessarily have to spew out really bad music. I mean, I had my iTunes on shuffle yesterday and Pink’s Nobody Knows came on. I stopped and listened to it, because I haven’t heard it in a while. She’s good. Then again, so did “I Wish I Was A Punk Rock Girl”, what a one-hit-wonder, and yeah that wasn’t so good.

Anyway, the point of this is, I realized recently that maybe I wasn’t not listening to mainstream for the sake of it, but because it shelters me from crap. Certain crap such as TAYLOR SWIFT! How could she possibly be making all that money and fame from her CRAPTACULAR TALENTLESSNESS?! Bee says that it’s the music video for “Love Story”, because it’s fairytale and prince and all that shit, and that’s what all the girls want. I scoffed. She can’t sing. She can’t act, and her face looks like a mouse. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but kudos to Eyebrows Jonas for dumping her.

I’m just shuddering at the thought of going back to school, and having all the stupid tweeny juniors sing her songs in the corridors. I don’t care if I get a reputation for being a bitchy senior; I’m going to tell them to shut up.

Keep Cool (and in-tune)
D.F.