Body Like An Hourglass

Last night was the MacRob Yr 12 Formal 2009.

I didn’t go.

What I’m going to write about is what happened BEFORE the formal, seeing as that’s all I attended.

Well, it was expected that no one would really be paying any attention in class, so Period 2 Methods didn’t even happen. There were many many Year 12s in the Common Room that period talking about the formal and hair and makeup and nail polish and strapless bras. I sat there and looked mortified. No one noticed. Phew.

Period 3 and 4 told me that I wasn’t actually on Common Room duty and therefore I played Tetris all through the first period (even beat my own personal score) and most of the second period. Jen and I went off with the bag  we later referred to as “Carmaine’s Baby” and then “The Fat Baby” at the end of Period 4.

We were at the lights outside of school, swinging Carmaine’s Fat Baby when the mother appeared. A rowdy custody battle ensued, with the aftermath being that I had to lug the CFB around the CBD.

Bid adieu to the mother at Flinders, where she was off to make herself look like a woman and we were off to do our own stuff.

Went to Coles where Jen, having lost the custody battle with me, continued arguing with me over which bread was tastier, and which Coles cake was more thoughtful. I’d personally thought the cake with Smarties on it would naturally be more pensive. We decided on that one.

Trammed to Collins/Spencer St, where Bel now resides. No one was home so we snuck in when someone came out. Sat in foyer while Jen touched her hair a lot. An- arrived to take us up. Grabbed 2 Cruiser (sp?) four-packs. I had to carry them seeing as if Jen carries them it’s illegal.

Went up Williams to Radisson, where the rest of BRuCE was going to spend the night. Gave CFB to Eunice, and headed off to Jen’s abode.

Managed to squeeze in a dozen “are we there yet?” in the 20 minute tram ride.

Arrived at Jen’s, and the two of us started on the food. I made a fairy-bread sculpture, it possibly being the most feminine thing I’ve ever done. No one ended up eating it.

Jen cut up some carrots and cucumbers, and then proceeded to hide in the bathroom while she also began to make herself appear more womanly. Taylor Swift played on the radio. I sobbed.

SonJ arrived and in a flurry of “Hi how are you ohmygosh where’s Jen” she blew into the bathroom. I did not see her until 2 hours later.

Started to blow up balloons. Failed at tying them up. Jen’s dad had to teach me twice. Started on a Cruiser. After a few gulps I decided to hell with it and sacrificed considerable blood flow to my fingertips and made 13 balloons. I tasted Latex everytime I swallowed. No, shut up. That is NOT what she said.

People continued to arrive. Ray, for one. Then Luke. The two guys helped me put up streamers.

Sonam and Tiff and Annie and all the rest of them arrived, and Jen’s bedroom became a warzone of hairspray, straighteners and Hollywood tape.

Ray, Luke and I spelt out “Happy B’Day Bel” on the window.

Awful noises started to echo from the warzone. Cries of help and sounds of mascara-ing sent chills down my spine.

Played Heart and Soul on the piano until Jen told me to shut up…for the 10th time. I suppose I should’ve pointed out that I wasn’t talking.

At 5 Bel and Julia arrived. Note I didn’t say Julinda. We had to stall Bel for a bit, but it didn’t work. So when Bel pressed the doorBel, we all ran and hid behind couches. We thought, gosh we’re smart, she’ll never see this coming.

At the door, SonJ said, “Are you ready? 3. 2. 1.”

The element of surprise was thus counted down and disappeared.

Why did I use “Body Like An Hourglass”? Because Julia figure, to paraphrase Eve, “was like an hourglass”. Indeed everyone looked magnificent, and indeed Sonam and Tiff ended up looking similar, as they do all the other times.

Carmaine and Charlie continued to not being there.

The limo arrived. It was long. Well no shit. And Blue. Ah that one’s new. People started running around with a definite hint of headless chicken likeness. Well, I should specify the girls were doing that. The guys sat at the kitchen table in a more or less statue fashion.

I played “Somewhere Only We Know” on the guitar for a bit.

Then came the photos.

Oh the photos.

Oh the stress of said photos.

Everyone had a camera. Considering that “everyone” consisted of more than 2 people, and I have exactly 2 hands, I became a hanger for cameras as pictures were demanded.

20 minutes later pictures were actually taken. People had stayed in one spot long enough.

C+C finally became there, just in time for taller C to use the bathroom. People lined up and “THREE! TWO! ONE!” the flash went off, forever immortalizing the group of mature looking guys, and slightly hysterical looking but nonetheless BEAUTIFUL girls.

Everyone posed in front of the limo. More pictures were taken. I felt a bit pimpish having my photo taken with many different people. I felt a lot short next to the heeled Carmaine.

Took a ride with Carmaine’s parents home, saving me a cold public transportation journey. Arrived home in time to eat a quick dinner and watch ‘Til Death. Then watched The Big Bang Theory until bed time, which was around when the Formal was ending.

And so I end. I have decided to hell with fully structured sentences. They’re boring anyway.

Alex.

Advertisements