One Step Closer

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break.

I want to hit something. I want to kick at it, beat at it, until it buckles underneath me. I want to make you hurt. I want to make you realize how much you hurt me by making you hurt. And then when I do that I’ll kill myself. I never thought that I’d want to hurt you but I want to hurt you, and if I ever do I won’t let myself get away with it.

I don’t hate you. I hate that you assume that. I love you, but I don’t know what I love. I love everything about you and yet when I think about it I can’t even define one thing that I love. And I hate that. I hate that you think you can say anything you want to me, and I’ll let you off the hook. Because you do, and I do.

I’m a confused vessel of pain right now. A depressed wreck. I don’t see where I’m going, I don’ t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’ve been, and I can’t be sure if I’ve done what I thought that I haven’t.

And I just need a light to guide me through it. I need a hand to pull me out of the depths. I need an embrace to keep me from the edge. I need a fire to melt the blade that is against my throat.

The time bomb within my heart will one day reach zero, and I’ll be blown into countless pieces, shattered beyond repair, beyond anything any amount of love can heal.

That day is near.

Alex.