I am selfish, I am wrong

[Vindicated – Dashboard Confessional]

So, 4 posts in a day to catch up, and a promise to be made:

August 18, 2008, I started this blog in earnest. I wrote in it nearly everyday. I wrote about every thought, every occurrence, every scrap of memory that I wanted to share and to document.

Over the years, especially the past one, I have started to “mature”.

“I’m too good and mature now to write about mundane everyday things,” I blogged. “I only want to write about the significant.”

August 18, 2011, three years later, and I will try to recapture that ambition I had in Yr 11, when I was inspired to write earnestly from one of Dani’s very old posts. I remember, still, that it was about a car accident she was in when she was much younger.

I will try to write here everyday, even if it’s really boring and short. I will still do it. For me, and for the 13 subscribers who were fooled into making me feel better.

That’s a promise.


You wrote the book on how to be a liar

[Bubblewrap – McFly]

Day 12: Your relationship with your parents.

Wow this really could go on to be long and hard (ha) and I might even make myself cry.

I’m sure the history of my blog has marked the ups and downs of my relationship with my parents. Sadly mostly are down. I don’t think I ever record good moments.

It might be because, to me, the good moments are expected. They’re never THAT good a moment. They’re just decent moments of no-unhappiness. I expect them as a general way of life.

The unhappy stuff are too frequent, and affect me too much. Again, it comes as a result of my expecting certain things, and it inevitably falling short. I suppose I should stop having expectations on my life, but my logic is that the moment I stop expecting and wanting good things to happen to me, is the moment I cease to have the need to live.

I am…NOT in a good mood day, evidently.

And the next day’s topic is still nothing lighthearted.


He calls her up, he’s tripping on the phone

[Dance Floor Anthem – Good Charlotte]

Day 11: Write about your sibling(s) or what it’s like to be an only child.

For quite a few years I’ve been wanting an older sibling – so it’s one of those dream-only deals. I like to be depended upon, don’t get me wrong, but I think I enjoy being protected and looked after a lot more.

It’s something I don’t think about, though, but I’ll think about it now. I’m the only child in my family, and on my dad’s side, his one brother didn’t have any children, so I’m my grandparents’ only grand-child.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t turn out like a conventional girl, a conventional daughter. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have an easy life where I like dressing up, where I know the different kind of shoes and bags, just so it’s easier on my relationship with my parents, which is the next post.

There’s a lot of pressure on me to be their ideal daughter, which over the years I’ve noticed is almost everything I am not. I don’t know how to tell them.

I do tend to focus on the negatives, though.

Positives: My uncle and aunt dote on me like their own child, even though I hardly connect with them, being overseas. My grandparents would forgive me for nearly everything – I say nearly – and would just tell me to try harder if I stuff up. My parents really can’t disown me, even though the nasty part of me thinks it’ll be a lot easier if they just disown me, so they’re in the wrong, and I can move on and live how I want.

I don’t really need siblings, anyway, I have many friends who are very willing to let me play the immature role and take care of me.


Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul

[The Only Exception – Paramore]

Day 10: How you wake up in the morning.

Well, going on from what I just wrote about my pillow…

It’s weird, I go to sleep curled up and in weird positions and I always always wake up dead straight and tucked in like Sheldon.

Some days I wake up pretty damn excited for the day, which is a bad idea because it builds the day up to ridiculous expectations. And I have many ridiculous expectations of my days lately.

Most days I wake up wanting to lie in, not sleep, but just lie there and think. I used to have amazing stories live and die while I lie there and think them. I wish I still had those moments of revelations.

I rarely ever wake up during that time a while after the sun rises when the birds are being very social. Nor does a rainstorm wake me up in time for me to feel really warm and  while it bitches outside.

Last year I stayed up all night to watch a FIFA game, and after the game ended, I was treated to the post game sunrise. I walked outside onto the balcony, and stayed out there long enough to let the dew creep up on my cheeks, and be chased away by my breaths. When you’re the only person awake on the street, it almost feels like the moment is all about you. When someone else who is awake walks past your house and sees you on the balcony, you just know they think you’re having unique morning thoughts, and are above the rest of the post-sun risers.


I hate when you say that I don’t blow you away

[Can’t Break Through – Busted]

Day 09: Photo of your favorite pillow.

My camera is out of batteries.

I’ll describe it though.

I used to have a really really flat pillow. Anyway, some time last year I complained my back was sore for a long time, so my mom finally decided that a flat pillow, although money saving, is not the best idea for me.

So now I have 2 flat pillows stacked on top of each other, and it’s not too soft but it’s good for me.

Sometimes I wake up and find myself with my face buried in it, with a nostril left out to breathe.

I like my pillow. It’s the one place I can put my head these days and feel really safe and unburdened.

It’s weird if I say “that and Clare’s shoulders” but yeah that is weird.