I’ve been here before

[Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5]

Day 15: Write about the best gift you’ve ever received.

This is really awkward, I don’t know if I can commit to just one present.

I like presents cos I know they took the time to think about me when getting it.

But I really don’t mind if I just spend time with them. It’s like getting their time as well.


I tried to be perfect, it just wasn’t worth it

[Pieces – Sum 41]

Day 13: Write about what you believe in, be it God, yourself, etc.

When I was in primary school, my parents told me to attend R.E. lessons for to learn about other religions.

We have a portrait of the Buddha in our living room, and sometimes, as a sort of joke, my parents would put the money they’ll buy a lotto ticket with in front of it, and ask it to bless us with luck.

When we were in Thailand, right before we left for Australia, we went to the small temple in Bangkok which a few years ago got burnt down, and there is a picture of my mother and me praying in front of it, so it would bless us with good fortune and health in the new country.

In Yr 12, I went to a friend’s baptism (which I wrote about in here but I can’t be bothered finding the link to. It was in April 2009 some time), and I mouthed along to unknown hymns and listened to all the testimonies. I watched them overflow in emotions as they took the next step to get closer to their God.

Many of my friends are either Christian or Catholic, and while I skirt around it, sometimes I find myself toeing the agreed upon veil of avoidance, and questioning their faith.

And that is the extent of my ties with religion.

That is not to say I am an atheist. Call me a coward if that’s show you see it, but I don’t think that there is one particular deity – one particular man-made deity, existing only through the documentation of man-made words – nor do I think there is none. Sometimes when I am in moments of great stress or dread, I find myself wishing – praying, dare I say – that I find some inspiration to help me out of the moment. I don’t know who I am wishing towards –  a star? The light dancing around me, caught by flecks of dead skin? Yes, how poetic – but I do it anyway, and sometimes I am stunned to find that I am suddenly in possession of patience I didn’t know I could have, or an epiphany that seemed like the obvious choice.

So, ‘belief’. What do I believe in? I believe that you have to make your own luck – it sounds cliche, but it’s a cliche with a reason. You can be given epiphanies through forces you cannot begin to fathom, but what are epiphanies but electrons firing brighter in your brain if you don’t act upon it? I can feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I have, realize that if I take 1 hour out of my day to just read I will have it under control, but if I don’t take that 1 hour out, I’d still be stressing.

I suppose I can create a metaphor. I can say that the Me is the vessel through which events happen, and quite a lot of the time that vessel is perilously close to sinking via its own accord – it thinks it should go left, then right, and then tips over unbalanced – but with a bit of guidance from the winds (that’s my unknown power in this metaphor), and as long as the vessel doesn’t fight the winds, it will be steered back onto course.

I can smell the pollen outside, but there are a few more posts I need to get through.


You wrote the book on how to be a liar

[Bubblewrap – McFly]

Day 12: Your relationship with your parents.

Wow this really could go on to be long and hard (ha) and I might even make myself cry.

I’m sure the history of my blog has marked the ups and downs of my relationship with my parents. Sadly mostly are down. I don’t think I ever record good moments.

It might be because, to me, the good moments are expected. They’re never THAT good a moment. They’re just decent moments of no-unhappiness. I expect them as a general way of life.

The unhappy stuff are too frequent, and affect me too much. Again, it comes as a result of my expecting certain things, and it inevitably falling short. I suppose I should stop having expectations on my life, but my logic is that the moment I stop expecting and wanting good things to happen to me, is the moment I cease to have the need to live.

I am…NOT in a good mood day, evidently.

And the next day’s topic is still nothing lighthearted.


He calls her up, he’s tripping on the phone

[Dance Floor Anthem – Good Charlotte]

Day 11: Write about your sibling(s) or what it’s like to be an only child.

For quite a few years I’ve been wanting an older sibling – so it’s one of those dream-only deals. I like to be depended upon, don’t get me wrong, but I think I enjoy being protected and looked after a lot more.

It’s something I don’t think about, though, but I’ll think about it now. I’m the only child in my family, and on my dad’s side, his one brother didn’t have any children, so I’m my grandparents’ only grand-child.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t turn out like a conventional girl, a conventional daughter. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t have an easy life where I like dressing up, where I know the different kind of shoes and bags, just so it’s easier on my relationship with my parents, which is the next post.

There’s a lot of pressure on me to be their ideal daughter, which over the years I’ve noticed is almost everything I am not. I don’t know how to tell them.

I do tend to focus on the negatives, though.

Positives: My uncle and aunt dote on me like their own child, even though I hardly connect with them, being overseas. My grandparents would forgive me for nearly everything – I say nearly – and would just tell me to try harder if I stuff up. My parents really can’t disown me, even though the nasty part of me thinks it’ll be a lot easier if they just disown me, so they’re in the wrong, and I can move on and live how I want.

I don’t really need siblings, anyway, I have many friends who are very willing to let me play the immature role and take care of me.


Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul

[The Only Exception – Paramore]

Day 10: How you wake up in the morning.

Well, going on from what I just wrote about my pillow…

It’s weird, I go to sleep curled up and in weird positions and I always always wake up dead straight and tucked in like Sheldon.

Some days I wake up pretty damn excited for the day, which is a bad idea because it builds the day up to ridiculous expectations. And I have many ridiculous expectations of my days lately.

Most days I wake up wanting to lie in, not sleep, but just lie there and think. I used to have amazing stories live and die while I lie there and think them. I wish I still had those moments of revelations.

I rarely ever wake up during that time a while after the sun rises when the birds are being very social. Nor does a rainstorm wake me up in time for me to feel really warm and  while it bitches outside.

Last year I stayed up all night to watch a FIFA game, and after the game ended, I was treated to the post game sunrise. I walked outside onto the balcony, and stayed out there long enough to let the dew creep up on my cheeks, and be chased away by my breaths. When you’re the only person awake on the street, it almost feels like the moment is all about you. When someone else who is awake walks past your house and sees you on the balcony, you just know they think you’re having unique morning thoughts, and are above the rest of the post-sun risers.


I hate when you say that I don’t blow you away

[Can’t Break Through – Busted]

Day 09: Photo of your favorite pillow.

My camera is out of batteries.

I’ll describe it though.

I used to have a really really flat pillow. Anyway, some time last year I complained my back was sore for a long time, so my mom finally decided that a flat pillow, although money saving, is not the best idea for me.

So now I have 2 flat pillows stacked on top of each other, and it’s not too soft but it’s good for me.

Sometimes I wake up and find myself with my face buried in it, with a nostril left out to breathe.

I like my pillow. It’s the one place I can put my head these days and feel really safe and unburdened.

It’s weird if I say “that and Clare’s shoulders” but yeah that is weird.


I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times I’ve Stopped Keeping Track

[Haven’t Met You Yet – Michael Buble]

Day 07: Write about the arts (music, art, dancing).

Well, the very idea of writing about something is the arts, isn’t it?

And seeing as how I am studying the Arts, you’d think I’d have a lot of things to write about.

Look, I don’t like it when Arts make themselves more pompous and contrived than everyone else. I don’t like it when, to be considered High Class, you have to go see an opera, understand the hell they’re singing, get the deeper message, and come out of it complaining that the soprano was actually better suited as an alto.

To me, music, art, dancing, whatever, it’s just something that should be enjoyed. And if you happen to enjoy slightly ‘trashy’ music, or you would rather pump your fists to a steady beat than to draw out some complicated rhythm with your damn shoulder-blade, or your idea of art is to draw a funny stick figure comic rather than sweeping swatches of emotions, then that’s great for you, and if it gives you good feelings, then that’s all I care about.

And if you happen to like shoulder-blade dancing and fancy paintings, and that makes you happy too, then go for it!

The one thing I do not like about studying Arts is the expectation of what kind of person I should be. I am an Arts student, therefore I must understand and have an opinion on Marxism, and smoke a pack before lunch, and slowly but surely grow a terrible haircut.

But if that’s what makes you happy. I can’t care less.


The freckles in our eyes are mirror images

[Such Great Heights – The Postal Service]

Day 05: A list of things you fancy doing.

Oh no, a Bucket List.

I always tell myself, start a Bucket List! You’re gonna regret not starting one when you’re in your mid-life crisis. I suppose its a good thing that I’m turning a new decade soon, so maybe I’ll start a Bucket List (a new page on this blog? Wow yes) on my 20th birthday, and just add on when I remember things. So this post will help kick the (Bucket) List off, so to speak.

I suppose you can always look at this just as a “list of whims” instead of “your Bucket List”, but let’s be honest, my whims are endless and insatiable.  On an hourly basis, I change what I want to eat dozens of times.

Okay, so, obviously all the big favorites like

  • Skydiving
  • Hot-Air Ballooning
  • Bungee Jumping
  • Licking the Statue of Liberty

And the more artsy ambitious ones like

  • Writing at least one good trashy fiction book
  • (I won’t put down Writing at least one good movie, because that’s actually a desired career path at the mo’)
  • Having a few moments of pure musical bliss where everyone present is singing the same thing at the same time, and not at karaoke – one moment for each different stage of inebriation.

Things to happen to my body, such as

  • Getting at least one tattoo
  • Having at least one scar that I had NO idea how it got there, not even a sneaking suspicion
  • Shave all of my hair off, just once, maybe during a few months of no consequence

Things that happen by chance

  • Dating someone with the best meet-cute story, so not “met them through a friend” but really, purely, coincidental

Things that happen by my willingness to step out of my comfort zone

  • Staying a whole day in a nice coffee shop, and trying to strike up a chat with anyone who would talk to me, and seeing what I learn from there

Geographically related

  • Doing at lease one from each of the above categories in each continent – minus Antarctica, sorry guys, but no coffee shops to be had there
  • Going to Boston, where no one knows my name, and aiming to leave it the same (WOW THAT RHYMED) – so spending at least a month in that city under a fake name and persona

Silly, petty and childish

  • Making faces behind a newsperson on TV
  • On purposely wrecking someone’s street performance – I might do this in Boston
  • Play hide and seek in a huge department store with at least 5 other people
  • Attempt to live out the moment that every hipster-identifying couple desires after being influenced so by (500) Days of Summer, in IKEA. You know which one I mean.
  • Go to a party where I do my best to appear in the background of every single picture (I think I came CLOSE to crossing this off last Saturday but not quite)
  • Do shots off a stripper’s body – oh come on, oh come on you can’t say TV hasn’t romanticized this to be desirable

The list will be expanded and neatened and organized and re-considered in the future.

Hey, this is fun!