I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.

All I Dream Of Is Waking To You

[Comatose – Skillet]

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

The great thing about the whole “wanting to date but not liking anyone at the moment” is that I actually, for the first time in maybe 3 years, don’t think about someone 24/7. I pretty much think about each of my friends equally, more so one when I am talking to them.

So pretty much, I actually can’t write this one. And it would be so bad if I wrote one to myself again.

Yeah…

Alex.

Silky Smooth, Lips As Sweet As Candy

[What It Feels Like For A Girl – Glee Cast cover, original by Madonna]

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

I think up until this point in my life, I’ve mostly totally admired every aspect of only two people, and those are Dani and April. But seeing as I already wrote one to Dani, I think April deserves a mention here.

Dear April,

As much as I chastise you about being a vegetarian, and complain that you treat me like crap, I actually don’t care much about the latter, and immensely admire you for the former. Though you never exactly had steak swimming in your bloodstream, it would have taken some effort to not eat meat, am I right?

From the moment I met you, you were independent and you were supportive of others even though at times you had nothing yourself. This, if anything, had grown in the past 4 years. You never got so angry at my stupidity back in Yr 9 and 10 to the point where you blew up at me (I can recall one or two occasions where you pushed the brink). And, yes, har har I’m still stupid now, but you agree I’ve gotten better right?

I say that I wish I could be you, not meaning that I wish I had your life, but I wished I had your traits. I wish that I am as brave and independent as you (yes, I can hear you say JUST GET AWAY FROM THE TV/COMPUTER SCREEN AND DO IT), and that I have that knack of having people fall in love with me from the get-go – in other words, I wish I had “summin goin’ on”. I wish that, even under stress, I can figure out solution to problems without resorting to yelling at people, and that I could eat as cleanly as a mouse, and that I have grand plans for my future that isn’t restricted by any parental of self doubts.

It would be a comfort to think that, even to a tiny extent, I’d given you support and comfort to what you have given me. I try to imagine going through high school without those aimless walks to the canteen, and those stupid jokes, and it makes me shudder. I think it was mostly due to you that I didn’t live through that typical emo-kid highschool spiel.

A few hiccups aside, you are, I think, the quintessential “Role Model Auntie”. I know you hate kids, but let’s for a moment say that there is a bunch of cats that need a good hoomin role model. I think that you are the perfect candidate to make them into fantastic lolcats. I am trying to say that any kid that goes through your education will come out strange but definitely an outstanding member of society. I mean look at me.

I love you, April MC.

Alex.

Retrace Every Wrong Move

[Easier To Run – Linkin Park]

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Dear Zhao Hui,

Isn’t it amazing I still remember your name! I even remember the fact that “Zhao” is actually written as “Chao” but is read as “Zhao” in your name and, oh, I’ve just proven how Asian I am.

Anyway, whether it’s from my childish wishful thinking or real memories, I remember that we were good friends when we were little. And when I say little, I meant we were good friends since Kindergarten. I didn’t actually have friends my age before Kindy, so in some sense you were my first friend ever (actually, to be honest, I vaguely remember there being another short girl being my friend before you but I don’t remember anything about her except that she’s short).

It’s strange writing to someone in a language that they don’t speak, in a letter they’ll never read.

I think when I was little, I worshiped you, because you were taller, smarter, and prettier. I think you’re also older than me – here in Australia I’m older among all my friends but in China I was the youngest, having just gotten into my year level. I remember that you actually had another friend with whom you were closer, either because you’re just better friends or because you’d known her for longer, that I can’t remember. That other friend went on to be the class captain in Grade 1, while I went on to be the kid that the teacher hated for no good reason other than the fact that I was smarter than she gave me credit for, and that I was lazy. So yeah, that made me look better.

My memories are only giving me negative thoughts at the moment, like I remember trying so hard to be your friend after we started primary school, but you’d already found the other cool big girls to play with and I was left with this really creepy guy who drooled a lot, and this other weird guy who bragged a lot about himself. I remember that once I was running back to class while grabbing the hand of that class captain I mentioned, but then I tripped and fell flat on my face, getting a huge cut on my nose.

I remember, near the end of my stay in China – I left in Grade 2 – that you’d once accidentally cut your eyebrow on a hair pin, and it bled a lot. And then after that you were trying to hide that cut, so you grew your hair long.

Actually, I think that part was just false memory. I think that happened to my cousin instead. I have no idea.

Anyway, that was a fun trip down memory lane.  I called you once in Yr 7 when I went back to China but we didn’t hit it off because of the language barrier – my Chinese was sucking at that point. But I don’t know, maybe I’ll try calling again the next time I go to China, granted you still live at home.

Take care,

徐如一

Fussin’ And Fightin’

[Ice Box – There For Tomorrow, original by Omarion]

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear Cathy,

It was a toss-up between Dani and you for the previous letter. I’m kind of feeling guilty that you got this one, but just pretend that it’s the previous one as well.

You read most of what I feel in the plane letter I gave you – you remember, the one that made you cry – and since they were pretty private, I won’t say it here again. But I think you’re actually better off in QLD, seeing as what is happening currently in your life. Imagine having to go through that with THEM still in the same State as you! At least now you’re one step closer to getting out forever, am I right?

I still miss you like a cat on heat (wtf) but I know that ultimately we’ll still be friends, but you need to get out seriously.

I love you, Bobiboop.

Alex.

So Here’s My Goodbye

[Goodbye (I’m Sorry) – Jamestown Story]

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Dear Dani,

When you first told me that you might go to Canberra back in Yr 12, I remembered that I cried on the spot, because I’d imagined university with you. But then you said that you probably don’t HAVE to go to ANU, and I was relieved. That was why I didn’t realize that the time when I was with you for the Speech Night rehearsal would be the last time I was to see you for almost half a year.

I know you were sad you had to go to ANU as well. So I won’t keep mentioning the fact that now, you aren’t in the same state as me. This might have to happen for the next 3 or so years, but I suppose there is always a way for either of us to see each other, right?

I miss you the most out of all the people I could have written about, mostly because in Yr 11 and 12 I got so used to seeing you everyday and always being able to see you when I wanted, that the sudden loss is shocking. I suppose, to bring in a Pokemon analogy, it’s like the party I carry around was very balanced, but I never noticed that I had one Pokemon in there who was key to this balance. And then suddenly that Pokemon was poisoned or had fainted, and the whole party got thrown off balance. You’re that Pokemon.

Good luck for semester 2, and I hope to see you soon! Otherwise, you’re only a phone call away, right?

I miss you, and I love you,

Alex.

My Pressure On Your Hips

[This Love – Maroon 5]

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear Eunice,

Well, let’s be honest, we really haven’t been talking much at all. I know it’s weird of me to say it, because I saw you today, but yeah we honestly have not seen each other for about a good half year. From your Twitter updates, I know that you’re doing fine, and whatnot, but yeah, it’s strange not to hear it from you in person.

I don’t know…I don’t want to say anything more because yours aren’t toes I want to step on. It definitely jerked a few heartstrings seeing your face and hearing your voice again today.

I miss and love you, despite the fact that we rarely speak anymore.

Alex.

I Realize It’s Hard To Take Courage

[True Colors – Glee Cast cover, original by Cindy Lauper]

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

I wrote a piece so long ago, when I first started writing here frequently, so back in August 2008. It still stands; I still wish that you would forgive me for what I did to you back then, and we can be great friends. But I suppose, then again, if in 4 years’ of being in the same class and group hasn’t really made us any closer, then we’ve gotten as close as we’re gonna get.

I am grateful for your end of year message, and I am grateful for the amount of friendship you do give me, so I suppose when I say I wish you would forgive me, it’s more for a selfish relief than anything else.

I hope you are happy now, because I never see you anymore.

Love,

Alex.

I Make One More Wrong Turn Tonight

[Vegas Skies – The Cab]

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

I already wrote one to my parents, and the person I am thinking of is for a later, more fitting day. The only other person that has caused me significant heart-ache and pain I don’t hate. And the person I hate, I haven’t been hurt by (I just hate ’em).

I suppose I hate Miley Cyrus and/or Justin Bieber and they have caused my ears some pain but I don’t think this is referring to that.

You know who I don’t like? Gary Oak. He’s not hard to defeat, but he’s such a jerk-face. I know, I know, he was the good guy all along because we never realized that we killed his Raticate. I had a blog about that. But he’s still a douche.

Oh you know who I don’t like? Wormtail. That snitching fucker. And that bitch Bellatrix who killed Sirius and killed (?) Neville’s parents. What the hell is wrong with her? But Helena Bonham Carter is a fucking gun.

Oh you know who I don’t like? Trinity from Dexter. That bastard…oh maybe no spoilers here.

Alright, I made my point…

Alex.

You Need Him, I Could Be Him

[Grand Theft Auto (Where Is Your Boy) – Fall Out Boy]

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

There isn’t actually a deceased person that I wish I can talk to. I wasn’t that close with my grandma – she died when I was 8 and I lived more with my other grandma – and I didn’t love a deceased celebrity enough to really say anything. So…

Dear Dobby,

Of all the people who died in Harry Potter 7, I remembered your death the most because it was the most heartbreaking. You were consistent throughout the series, and not in a single action did you betray any loyalty towards Harry – even if the Malfoys were bastards.

As much as I loved Fred-and-George, I wished you didn’t die. It would just been a little less bitter and a little more sweet at the end if you’d survived.

Well, I’ll be revisiting your death again soon (I’m borrowing the 7th book again) and you will be assured, dear Dobby, that I will tear up at your death again. And don’t get me started on the movie.

Alex.