With Every Broken Bone

[I Lived – OneRepublic]

A break from the academic stuff! Except now I’m having a gripe at social pressures again.

Without opening the floodgates of “what the hell is wrong with me?”, I have been thinking about the way that I regard other people around me.

I haven’t been making many efforts to be a ‘good friend’, as such, firstly because I keep telling myself that my 6-7 contact hours a week at uni is so draining, but also because I just want to be home. Many times, when I’m sitting with a group of people with whom I’ve had minimal prior interactions, and there is a lull in the conversation, I wish that I was in front of my computer, doing any old anti-social thing. Whenever I have to make awkward and forced conversation, especially about a future to which I don’t yet know all the prospects, I find myself drifting home.

But, when I’m home, I’m restless. When I am sitting there with my gaming console wondering which mission or enemy I should kill next, I look outside and wonder at the lifestyle of those more active than I. Could I be a person who takes a walk for an hour and comes back with 100+ photos on their camera, a tan line on their arm, and an idea that inspires them? Could I be a person who somehow sticks to a schedule that they set, and actually chase the lifestyle that they envision? Could I put down my comic, and go and write one?

I’m not daunted by the empty page – I avoid it. When I have an idea, I don’t see an empty page for long at all, but when I don’t, I will do anything to not have to look at one.

I have on my weekly planner here that tomorrow I’m supposed to go for a small walk around the area with my new camera, and take some photos for my class. They don’t have to be good photos. They don’t even really need to be of things far away from my house. I could feasibly just go into my backyard and do it; but I shouldn’t.

I’ll try my best to come here tomorrow and attach at least one photo that I took, even if it’s of a frontyard three houses down.

Anyway, what was supposed to be a post about other people turned into my own ineptitude, so back on topic.

Making and acting social cues is hard. When I’m doing it, I do it. But when I have to think about it, I get so tired and irritated. At what point did I start ticking off a list of people with whom I should keep in touch? At what point does someone even make it onto a social to-do list? And what point does someone drop off of one? I want to have those people around, I do, because being around them makes me feel happiness. Except I’m actually having to make a list and prepare to enable that happiness, instead of it naturally being there for me to access. Then there’s that decision to drop someone off the list – except I never realize their name hadn’t shown up until ages later.

Is it okay to do that? Is it okay to slowly just give up on trying to make efforts with someone because there’s no need to?

Enough of that for this time.

I went to some Coldstream vineyards with my parents the other week, mostly so that my dad can buy a few bottles of wine and taste a dozen more. I’m pretty proud of this photo:

 

Tokar Estate Winery

Don’t worry, I’m not trying to turn into a photographer. My current assignment for class is based on photography, so it’s the flavor of the fortnight. The new camera is for sharing between my dad and me, because he wants to take photos of food, too.

Alex

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I Promise You, Kid

[Haven’t Met You Yet – Michael Buble]

So I noticed that I hadn’t blogged in about a week, and I realized I would therefore fail my 15 a month target if I didn’t write something soon.

I’ve sort of just been sitting at home doing nothing, which is probably what I’m writing about today. I like to analyze my own actions after a while.

A few of my friends feel that they’re wasting their lives in front of the computer screen – social networking just doesn’t hold the thrill anymore. They want to go out and get a job and start working towards the dream life they have.

I also want to work towards that dream life but I’m still sort of in the mindset of a kid – I have plenty of time to do it later, when I’m older. Except I am older.

And I think I have been hiding/held back by the fact that my parents aren’t giving me much freedom, and I couldn’t get a job. But I don’t know what the ratio of each is. I mean I do have friends that tell me to “just do it”, as in just move out and beย independent. However it’s kind of hard to do it when I don’t have any means to support myself. Right now, my bank account is somewhere at 15 dollars.

I think that’s why I’m really looking forward to going to New York for exchange (have I mentioned this?). If I get the exchange, I will be going to my dream city for half a year learning about stuff I love, all the while being independent – at the same time financially I should still be supported somewhat (even though I still really need to get a job). So it’s sort of an incentive and a trial (dream city and independence) without the shameful failure.

However, I don’t think I’ll be able to disengage myself from the internet. I don’t think it’s a matter of my wasting my time on it, or being addicted to it (though in both cases it’s true), but rather the internet is such a huge part of what I find interesting about the media, that disengaging myself from it would be cheating myself of happiness.

There, I justified my addiction. Bring on the interventions!

Anyway, I’ve sort of been a recluse for the last few days, and after not getting another job (even though I do have a work experience somewhere! It doesn’t earn me money – if anything it takes up money – so I don’t know how I will do), my ego has taken a hit. But I have organized to go out a little bit in the next few days to bring my mood back up again.

Alex.