Dear [Dani] of mine,
writing blogs with true honesty is not easy, so I’ll try my best to be quite honest but
where do I start to express how I feel?
Today was a day of mixed emotions for me. Actually, recently I’ve been pretty up and down, which is quite worrying. Sometimes I don’t even know how I’m meant to react (you know me, I sometimes don’t react the way I really feel) but these days it feels like
all that I feel is what I hear
from others on how I should feel. And, for an odd, unknown and slightly scary reason, I seem to get hurt easily at anything people close to me say, and even if they say something jokingly, their
words rip and tear
and frankly, when a certain person so much as looks as me coldly or acts indifferent to me,
I find myself wanting to die.
That’s probably just me. People think that I am a very confident person, but I’m not that secure. In fact I may be borderline insecure. I know it’s pathetic, but when I feel lonely or unloved I can just shoot straight down, and it can be a pain, this insecurity;
if only this pain, this pain died too,
and it doesn’t hep that I don’t feel much love from my parents. A lot of people say that it’s just a phase but I honestly don’t see myself getting out of it. Sometimes I just want to leave now, and get them (my parents)
away, away from me.
As I sit here alone,
I’m thinking about what happened this afternoon, how Bee rushed home early and didn’t wait for me, so I got incredibly irritated and snapped at her on the phone. She texted me saying that she had a family emergency, and that she was really sorry. She was sorry despite her situation. And what did I do? I ignore the text. I don’t reply to let her know that it’s okay, that I can’t be angry at that.
I’m just thinking about everything that [she] said
and I wonder how people could say I’m a good person? I’m just a spoilt kid, who still believes that things happen for her own benefit. There are things I do, say, let happen, that are truly hurtful to other people, and I don’t even appreciate when they let it slide. For example today Sonam jokingly mentioned that she couldn’t wait for my funeral, mostly because I’ve already planned out a happy song (Bad Day, you know) and at a slip of the tongue she said it. I jumped down her throat saying how mean it was. She then brought up about how a while back I’d said to her and a couple of other people about her I had a dream that she’d gotten killed in a car crash. And it made me realize how insensitive I was to pass that story around just for a laugh, and how she’d let me get away with it but here I was not letting her.
Maybe after all, I was better off dead.
I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but I really do value my friends. Without them I have nothing. I don’t want to lose them because of my own shortcomings. You too, Dani. This morning Bee was looking a bit down (perhaps an indicator but I was too blind to see it) and Carmaine, without a word, walked by her and effortlessly cheered her up. Her doing that, it reminded me of a morning when I wasn’t feeling too red-hot either, and Carmaine walked by me and paid me the attention that i needed, and said things to make me smile again. I try not to, but I take her for granted, a little bit, every day. And that time at DFO, when you were just there, and just kept at it and said things to make me smile and lift my spirits up. Honestly,
without you, my life [will go] down
and I will take this opportunity to thank you. Inadequate but I hopefully will have the rest of my life to keep repaying you. And my others as well.
I think my biggest shortcoming would be my loud mouth. I don’t know why but in my head things would sound alright but I’d say them and they’d be way out of line. When did I become so tactless?
This freak I became, my enemy.
Oh Dani, I’ve become my own enemy. The only thing standing between me and…the rest of the caring population is the fact that I have an indifference towards anything irrelevant to me. I’ve tried to care but sometimes I just can’t. I get sad in movies if the plot relates to me and my problems, but otherwise I don’t care. It is mild reassurance to me lately when I hear about a close friend’s problems and want to fix it (ie you and D.P.), because it means I do have compassion. But only rarely do I feel anything when someone dies, like when you cried when the member of Hawthorne Heights died. Is that just because I haven’t been exposed to too many things, or is it just me?
I don’t know…
Wondering why I wrote my blog like that? Watch this video. Dear Angel by April Sixth.
Although I put my blog to lyrics, I meant it seriously. I just thought that that song related.
De Fluffe, Out.