You make me feel like a symphony

[Hummingbird Heartbeat – Katy Perry]

I’m in one of those…okay I really should stop my musing posts like that. “I’m in one of those…”

Right now, I don’t know how I feel. I mean I know how I feel, obviously, but I’m not sure if I should feel such ways, or even think it, or if I should think that I shouldn’t think it.

And people are keeping secrets from me. I know why at least, but I don’t know what, and I’m dead curious.

I should look at this as my friends’ way of teaching me patience, a virtue I never had to lack in the first place.

I was sleep-deprived today, and took a double-shot on an empty stomach, and so spend the rest of the day on the fine line you tread when the caffeine inside you is drawing out of an already overdrawn bank. I suppose it was a good thing that I tread this line with some of my lunch group, who know me/tolerate me enough to let it slide and humor me. Otherwise that line would very soon turn angry. I would be walking the angry line. You don’t want to see me walking the angry line.

Yung Han, who may or may not mind my nicknaming him Monkey-Boy for his amazing climbing skills (and, you’ll soon learn, other fun reasons), decided today was the day he climbed a tree. Annie noticed a bunch of bananas hanging off the branch of a very un-banana tree, and Yung Han, being the smart-minded Asian that he is, decided those bananas would be wasted, and are expensive, and so he climbed the tree from which they hung, and brought it down with him – not before spending a good 20 seconds looking a bit like a stranded cat.

The bananas were the short, fat kind, dark green, smelled like fresh cucumbers, and had seeds in them.

He carried his bananas proudly to his next class.

I skipped my first tute today of the semester.

Like I said, I’m in a mood where I don’t know what my mood is, so I felt like not knowing the topic for this week seemed like a fitting companion.

Alex.

The stars at night aren’t as big and bright as you made them out to be

[I Fell In Love Without You – Motion City Soundtrack]

Day 03: What you think about love.

Oh dear God no.

My thoughts on it waxes and wanes depending on how lonely I feel at a particular point in time. Sometimes I believe love at first sight that lasts a lifetime, and sometimes I just think LOVE STINKS WOAH WOAH WOAH.

It’s a very big and sweeping question to ask. I don’t really know anything about romantic love, but I do think I know some about friendship love, and I think that friendship love is great and warm and all, but it really doesn’t fill holes that romantic love fills (yes, yes, that is indeed what she said). That is not to say you can’t live without those holes filled (and it continues), but all – or, well, most – of us at some point yearn for that hole to be filled (voila).

It’s hard to put into words moments of love – it really does seem to be a phenomenon that only exists as an ongoing awareness, but I suppose if I had to pinpoint moments where I really felt that tug at my heart that wasn’t the copious amounts of junk food I eat, I’d say when I get one of those not-exactly-quiet-but-eventless moments where I think about the things someone has done for me, and realized the amount they’ve actually put up with me, and a moment that made me laugh, I get that gurgling warm feeling in my stomach which I think is called gratitude…or…love.

As you can tell, to me, love is an abstract idea which people have over-simplified to make their life more meaningful.

Alex.

Far out…

So…today I had my first exam, which was fine and all, and then 13 days til my next exam. A week of fun next week and then study for my final 2 exams.

Nearly lost my wallet again today. I was putting stuff into my bag and taking stuff out, but I forgot to put my wallet back in my bag. 2 minutes before my exam is set to start, I realized this, and had to run back out to get my wallet. Not the greatest start to exams.

Life was okay for the past 2 weeks – hence the lack of blog posts. Yep, I only write when I’m unhappy, it seems. So, what’s this? I’m on here?

I know that my life isn’t hard, bad, and maybe to some degree even enviable. (Okay not the last one.) But sometimes I wish I’d get given a break that continues being a break for at least a year.

It’s either me who has a problem, because it seems the shit happens to me, or I just happen to have the best luck to find the one bunch of people who has problems. Consecutively.

I think the previous problem that I was going through in September has basically burned out – as in, it’s gone, never to be mine again. I tried – you can’t say I didn’t – but obviously that meant squat all.

I wouldn’t say the current problem is a problem but it feels like one – unfortunately I’m at a point in my tolerance that I really don’t want to have to deal with any problems. Call me heartless, but I’m even leaning towards just giving up and moving on instead of actually solving it.

That doesn’t sound like me, even to me.

Pretty sure I’d still stick around.

I’m a horrible person to myself.

Alex.

Some random title…I don’t fucking know…

Ok coming up with witty titles is hard, especially when you’re not quite sure what you want to write about yet. So in this instance “you” is “me”. Bad grammar? Bite me. (That was aimed at Dom, who criticized my grammar in an email.)

I don’t even know why I started one, a post I mean, just that I felt like writing.

Right now, I am on MSN with Julia. Before that I was on with Vania. I mean, I’m still with Vania. This does NOT sound like cheating.

Julia dropped me a line on Facebook asking if I was online. I wasn’t. So when I was I said so. Comments were exchanged, and Julia came on MSN and started talking to me. At first Vania and I thought she would ask me about Monash tomorrow, and I was a tad disappointed because I thought Julia was going to, you know, strike up an exciting conversation with me.

I think the way I structured that sentence is about to confuse you, because I was wrong about being wrong.

Julia is now talking to me exactly how I thought she would be talking to me before I thought she would be talking to me about Monash. And I am really honestly enjoying it. I enjoy the fact that she’s talking to me properly (not like…not that she usually I dunno grunts at me) and I enjoy talking to her past grunts. Metaphorical ones, of course.

It just seems that sometimes I am missing the huge amounts of gratitude that I owe people. Whether they were being nice “out of duty as a friend” (to paraphrase myself) or if they actually give a shit, I still owe them a thanks. But sometimes, and it’s not that I forget, but I just don’t feel the gratitude towards them because their care didn’t actually SOLVE the problem I was having, and if anything, at the time, their care made me feel worse. But as social conventions require, I thank them and I say I’m okay.

I am okay now, though, in all honesty on my stupid blog, I am okay now. But what am I mean to say then? “No I’m shit, but hey look there is honestly NOTHING you can do to help.” That doesn’t make them feel better. People – and this is so cynical – try to help other people because by being all humanitarian they in turn feel better themselves. So if I deny them that chance to feel better for themselves, then I just made someone else unhappy.

I’m coming off as a liar, I know. I’d meant that…seeing as they can’t do anything anyway, let them have their good feelings. Because in the end, it’s the people who seriously, genuinely (and be honest to yourself here, you know if you GENUINELY care) want to help that won’t stop at a “yeah I’m okay” because they can tell if something’s wrong.

Shit this is one of my worst grammatical posts yet.

Okay, this isn’t going to lead anywhere, but I’ve written out half a thousand words I’m not backspacing it now.

Thank you, Julia.

Alex.

And know that…

What happened to us?
I heard that it’s me we should blame.
What happened to us?
Why didn’t you stop me from turning out this way?
And know that I don’t hate you.
And know that I don’t want to fight you.
And know I’ll always love you.
But right now I just don’t…

Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet? – Relient K

I know I’ve used the same song about a week ago but it’s a damned good song with good applicable lyrics.

I do love you, I always will. I have no idea how to be angry at you because I simply love you again. But I do have things to tell you.

D.F.

Like a marathon

I’m a pretty huge fan of talking and writing in metaphors and analogies and whatnot. I don’t know if you’ve noticed it. A lot of the times when friends come to me for help, I’ve tried to put their situation into an analogy so they can sort of see how to get out of it. I guess in a way I’m like a nicer and…slightly less intimidating version of S- Sensei.

What had happened was, and I hope it’s okay for me to share this story, Sensei would give us analogies of what was happening with our schoolwork. So once when I wrote an essay too long, and wrote a criteria out of range, he told me that by doing that I’ve basically received 2 black eyes. A double knockout. Because not only did I get marks taken off for going over the limit, I’ve also not filled in the criteria because they don’t mark what is out of range. Anyway, there was the one memorable one. A student was struggling a little in class, and went to Sensei to ask whether she should continue Japanese for Yr 12. His response (my closest recollection to her paraphrasing of what he said) was this:

“Imagine that we are all playing a game of basketball, but you are really fat. So even if you run around a lot, and you shout ‘pass me the ball!’ and you do this and you do that, you’re still fat, and you’re going to be very tired after the first quarter. Everyone else is skinny and healthy, so they can keep running but you’re fat so you’re going to die by halftime. This is you in Japanese. You are the fat basketball player.”

So, basically, I think he wasn’t so hot on her continuing Japanese. I thought he could’ve said, “Look I know you’re trying your best but the workload in Yr 12 is even harder so many this isn’t the best choice for you.” or something along those nice lines that teachers are made to say. Kudos to him though, for voicing it in a humorous way.

I think there was a time when a friend of mine was having relationship problems – or rather, problems with getting over it – and I said something like, “Ultimately, this is a bridge that you have to build alone, to get over. I mean, we your friends have given you the materials and the support and all that, but you’re gonna have to build the thing. It’s tempting to just stay on the side you are now, but I think to move on, you’d have to build that bridge.” I think she’s really on her way to doing it.

Okay, but the metaphor/analogy (I’d say metaphor) that made me smile today was this:

(I had to edit out bits that would make it personal)

“Think of your relationship as a marathon. You start off a little jerkily then you settle into a rhythm once you get into it. Sooner or later though you’ll hit a curve or an obstacle and you have to deal with it, If you don’t your [sic] stuck there not going anywhere. But once you get past it you’ve gained that much more and it means something, even if it’s small. Then you keep going. “

And the more I thought about that the more right she was (whoever the hell you are, you crazy thing). At the start of a friendship, you’re so energized, you feel you can sprint the whole way. Then you slow down, maybe tire out. It’s once you settle into that rhythm, and time gets its claws into you, that you can really test out your endurance. So many runners fall out, they give up. But if you last the distance, that feeling that you get when you cross the finish line, it’s like you’re “on top of the world” as I was told recently. And yeah, on the way you’ll meet potholes, snakes, hobos, whatever, but they’re mere distractions. They’re not world-ending.

I’m interested in making a VCE metaphor that includes piranhas and Tasmania Jones (OH NO I DIDN’T!)

Keep Cool (and runnin’)

D.F.

P.S. Yeah I actually just thought about signing off with “Keep Cool” and then something to do with the blog I just wrote. Let’s see how long I can last doing that.

Dexter

Why do I like Dexter so much?

Is it the gore and the corpses, and such?

No. “Saw” provides even more of that, and apart from the 2nd movie I don’t really like them as much as I do Dexter. Or, to be more precise, I connect much better with Dexter.

Why?

I guess the idea of someone who gets rid of the bad people in life, the people who, dare I say, deserves it. Of having to hide it from the people around them not in fear of what they might think of him, but because he knows they won’t understand. Of not having any emotions attached (well, it changes in the later episodes but I’m talking about the initial ones). Of just being that powerful and being that able, but not craving the power.

I remember saying to someone, I like it because I can relate to that. The only difference between Dexter and me, and perhaps the most important and what separates me from being a serial killer (har) is that I do have people I care about. So, you’d think, wouldn’t that mean I’d have more motivation to protect them? Yes, but also those people have a different set of morals to me. If they find out that I kill people, even if they are bad people, then they will distance themselves from me. And the thing is, I can’t have that.

But, if I ever do have to kill someone to save their life…

De Fluffe, Out.

“The voices are back…good.”