The stars at night aren’t as big and bright as you made them out to be

[I Fell In Love Without You – Motion City Soundtrack]

Day 03: What you think about love.

Oh dear God no.

My thoughts on it waxes and wanes depending on how lonely I feel at a particular point in time. Sometimes I believe love at first sight that lasts a lifetime, and sometimes I just think LOVE STINKS WOAH WOAH WOAH.

It’s a very big and sweeping question to ask. I don’t really know anything about romantic love, but I do think I know some about friendship love, and I think that friendship love is great and warm and all, but it really doesn’t fill holes that romantic love fills (yes, yes, that is indeed what she said). That is not to say you can’t live without those holes filled (and it continues), but all – or, well, most – of us at some point yearn for that hole to be filled (voila).

It’s hard to put into words moments of love – it really does seem to be a phenomenon that only exists as an ongoing awareness, but I suppose if I had to pinpoint moments where I really felt that tug at my heart that wasn’t the copious amounts of junk food I eat, I’d say when I get one of those not-exactly-quiet-but-eventless moments where I think about the things someone has done for me, and realized the amount they’ve actually put up with me, and a moment that made me laugh, I get that gurgling warm feeling in my stomach which I think is called gratitude…or…love.

As you can tell, to me, love is an abstract idea which people have over-simplified to make their life more meaningful.

Alex.

Far out…

So…today I had my first exam, which was fine and all, and then 13 days til my next exam. A week of fun next week and then study for my final 2 exams.

Nearly lost my wallet again today. I was putting stuff into my bag and taking stuff out, but I forgot to put my wallet back in my bag. 2 minutes before my exam is set to start, I realized this, and had to run back out to get my wallet. Not the greatest start to exams.

Life was okay for the past 2 weeks – hence the lack of blog posts. Yep, I only write when I’m unhappy, it seems. So, what’s this? I’m on here?

I know that my life isn’t hard, bad, and maybe to some degree even enviable. (Okay not the last one.) But sometimes I wish I’d get given a break that continues being a break for at least a year.

It’s either me who has a problem, because it seems the shit happens to me, or I just happen to have the best luck to find the one bunch of people who has problems. Consecutively.

I think the previous problem that I was going through in September has basically burned out – as in, it’s gone, never to be mine again. I tried – you can’t say I didn’t – but obviously that meant squat all.

I wouldn’t say the current problem is a problem but it feels like one – unfortunately I’m at a point in my tolerance that I really don’t want to have to deal with any problems. Call me heartless, but I’m even leaning towards just giving up and moving on instead of actually solving it.

That doesn’t sound like me, even to me.

Pretty sure I’d still stick around.

I’m a horrible person to myself.

Alex.

I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.