Moonlight Would Provide The Spark

[Three Cheers For Five Years – Mayday Parade]

Serena brought it to my attention that I never finished this post.

As this was two years ago and I’m not bothered enough to check back, I’ll do them all now. I actually have a post in draft for the last few days that I didn’t write, but since I have to sleep within the hour, this might be faster.

Day 01: Your views on death, how you cope, etc. – If I answered this already, forgive me. I guess my answer will be different now. Since then, I’ve come across two deaths, one close but not extremely close to me, and another in my own family. Both were very sad but not in the shock tragic way. The former is definitely very upsetting, since it was my friend who battled cancer for eight years, and who ultimately lost to it. The thing is, the whole family knew it was coming, so they had time to prepare, to spend time and to smile and laugh. Her last days were spent in the company of her friends and family, so all things considered, it was pretty beautiful. The second death was my own grandfather, and it was a bit of a shock, but he was old, he lived a full, happy life, and there were no prolonged pain and suffering. He left my grandmother with a place to live, money to spend, and they had a lifetime of memories together. So my views? Death sucks, obviously, since it’s the ending of an existence, but I’d prefer to think about them when they lived, and how good they lived, and in that way they can continue existing in a sense, and positively so.

Day 02: How you introduce yourself to new people. – I try to be myself, but for the most part I gauge the situation. It’s easy to create a public persona, a funny, slightly inappropriate jokey, kind of persona, and just let that take care of the social conventions. But let’s be honest, we all do that. It’s how society is made for us to survive in, and instead of condemning it, think about the kind of people in your life around whom you could drop your public persona easily. It makes times with them even more special.

Day 03: What you think about love. – Judging by the time stamp, this was initially written just before I met Amelia. June 2011, I was pretty into someone else, and it wasn’t requited. I would have been a bit naive, hopeful but ultimately cynical about it. Now, I think it’s probably at the stage where I think love is definitely something which can fix someone, but also an elusive something which you may never know you’ve had, because who knows what love is? How can you tell you’re in love, and not just deep infatuation? And more importantly: does it matter? If you’re happy, and they’re happy, and your sex drive is VERY happy, then does it matter if it’s not really “love”?

Day 04: Write about someone you love. – Please see previous posts about Amelia. SORRY I just have to sleep very soon.

Day 05: A list of things you fancy doing. – Lately, I’ve been working more, so I do appreciate down times when I can read a good comic or book, or watch some shows while playing Jetpack Joyride, or reading about cool new techie things. I also really, really enjoy cuddling Amelia’s dog Meg.


Day 06: Recommend some books to read. – This might just show my immaturity and taste in literature, but a few books I’ve been recently reading that I really enjoyed:

Perfume – the Story of A Murderer by Patrick Suskind (yes, I saw the movie first)

A Song of Ice and Fire (the series Game of Thrones is based off of) by G. R. R. Martin

Repotting Harry Potter – A Professor’s Book-by-Book Guide for the Serious Re-Reader by James W. Thomas (a wonderful way to also read through the series itself as you go along)

The Casual Vacancy (Where Rowling shows she really, really understands how people work) by J. K. Rowling

White Fang (literally one of the first adult English books I ever read, and I fell in love with it) by Jack London.

I’m also going to recommend some comics which I like.

Saga – Image Comics. The illustration is astonishingly beautiful, and Fiona Staples conveys emotions so artfully that some panels are laugh out loud funny, because of the way she’d draw the characters. The story is also compelling, but now that I’m waiting monthly for them instead of consuming them in one go, I feel like it’s so slow!

Chew – Image Comics. I have a thing for Image. Chew is funny and then punch-you-in-the-guts heartbreaking without notice. It takes quite a lighthearted approach at a really, really morbid theme, and it’s so fun to see where everything is headed.

Rising Stars – Image Comics. This series ended a while back, and I blew through it in one day. I’d wanted to savor it slowly, but before I knew it, it was pitch black and I had a sore butt, but I was just sobbing at how things turned out. It’s like Heroes, but better (which isn’t saying much, I guess).

American Vampire – Vertigo. Ever since reading Preacher (which is also good, but I won’t put it on my list), I thought Vertigo would come out with weird-ass things (just like Hellblazer too), but American Vampire’s story really SUCKED me in, even considering the fact that it had time jumps and deviations in protagonist focus. The world which Snyder created is so engrossing I wish they could make a bigger thing of it.

Fables – Vertigo. Also a surprisingly not weird series. It’s like Once Upon A Time but not so whiney. The reason I got into it was because I read a review for Wolf Among Us, which is the Telltale Game’s prequel to Fables. The game sounded fun, and the comics did too, so I gave it a go. Great decision, cannot wait for the game now.

Numbercruncher – Titan Comics. This was one of those random new comics recommended by Comixology, and I gave it a go. It was strange to start with but then the premise really grabbed me, then it continued being extremely awesome, and it’s something I’d totally re-read slowly while contemplating the idea behind it.

The Bunker – Hoarse and Buggy Productions. Yet another random digital-only recommendation, which turned out to be very time-travelly mind-bendy stuff. It’s slow in picking up and just started, so it’s not built up to much yet, but the creators are promising something huge, and I hope they deliver!

Day 07: Write about the arts (music, art, dancing). – Obviously, these things are all around us and we don’t realize it. It feels like these institutions have been built to such an elitist state that, if you’re not AMAZING AND TOTALLY ACE at it, then you’re relegated to “sucking” and “keep it as your hobby”. I mean, for most people, it probably is a hobby anyway, but they don’t need you to tell them that. I wish I was good at all three, because musicians/artists/dancers are sexy, but I think I’m okay with just writing and storytelling.

Day 08: Write a poem. – I once took a creative writing class where one of the assessments was to write a poem. I think poems are also built to be something more than it needs to be. Poems are meant to be a gathering of words in a way which draws beauty and instills thought and emotions into the reader. Just because you didn’t write it in a bloody sonnet format doesn’t make it any less special. A limerick isn’t any lesser than a haiku. A kid who wrote an acrostic poem using the word “MOMMY” and writing about how much they love their mother means a lot more to that mother than anything Hemingway could have come up with, because poetry isn’t about how poncy you are, it’s about the emotion behind it. In other words, I can’t really be bothered writing one right now.
Day 09: Photo of your favorite pillow. – I only have one pillow, and it’s light blue. Unless you want a photo of Meg again?

Day 10: How you wake up in the morning. – I tend to wake up more often to alarm clocks than not, then I take 10 minutes to scroll through my overnight Twitter feed, especially for interesting news, then I get up and do my stuff.
Day 11: Write about your sibling(s) or what it’s like to be an only child. – Being an only child can be lonely sometimes, and also your parents pressure you a lot, since they only have you to make them proud. But, you get lots of stuff, so whatevs, right? It’s getting late and these questions ask too much of me!
Day 12: Your relationship with your parents. – I think this is a bunch of worms which need to remain in the can for tonight.
Day 13: Write about what you believe in, be it God, yourself, etc. – I believe in finding happiness, and one’s innate right to be happy, no matter how. Of course, if being happy means you absolutely need to go on a killing rampage, then maybe you shouldn’t be happy, or even alive. I’m not really one for all-life-is-sacred, because in the end we have about 6 billion on this planet, (I’m the only one with the uncanny ability to be awesome,) about half of them is in a constant state of poverty and probably dying, and the other half cares that a deranged gunman not get a death sentence? Again, let’s keep those worms for another day. My point is, being happy is all you should aim for, because once you die, who knows what else comes after?
Day 14: What you do for Valentine’s Day. – I’m not allowed to celebrate this day because Amelia hates it.
Day 15: Write about the best gift you’ve ever received. – It’s hard for me to pinpoint the best gift, since I constantly want and get tired of new things. I think that a photo album that a friend gave me when I left my old school was probably the most heartfelt and sweet thing, though.
Day 16: Write another poem, about the weather. – Roses are red, the sky is blue, the rain is gray, brown is poo.
Day 17: Post your favorite gif.

Cry3I used this reacting to when Amelia said that we were no longer in the honeymoon period.
Day 18: Your plans for tomorrow. – I work 8 hours.
Day 19: Write about something you fear. – I’m scared that Amelia will find being with me too tiresome as times goes on, because we either have to hide it from our families forever, or come out and face the consequences. We’re both bi, so I’m worried she’ll end up finding it easier just to be with a guy who she can be public with. But that’s silly, because she loves me, and her dog has basically imprinted on me so it will take too long for it to love someone else.
Day 20: What did you eat for dinner last night? – Dad fried up some Spam and we ate it with burger buns and he also made soup.
Day 21: Your favorite thing to drink. – SO I HAD MY FIRST WET PUSSY (well…”second”) TONIGHT AND IT WAS DELICIOUS AND I LOVE IT.
Day 22: How you take your coffee or tea. – I usually have a latte with one sugar, but I used to do double shots with one sugar as well. I take tea black with one sugar, unless it’s green, then no sugar.
Day 23: Your favorite thing to wear. – I like wearing hoodies because they feel like mobile blankets.
Day 24: Another poem, about the shoes you wear most often. – Roses are red, my shoes are purple, some bits are black, so black and purple.
Day 25: Write about where you live. – I live on a street predominantly white, and we used to have a problem with some kids down the road, who would ding-dong ditch us, and they escalated to kicking our trash over, harassing my mom when she’s working in the front yard, and once egged our house. They’ve stopped recently, though.
Day 26: Your favorite smell. – Amelia! Also bacon. OH IMAGINE IF AMELIA COOKED BACON!
Day 27: Your thoughts on the internet. – I don’t see a problem with the internet itself, I see a problem with people. It’s like guns. Yes, guns are bad things and they kill people, but honestly, a gun sitting there by itself wouldn’t be that scary, but you put a pair of hands on it and WOAH it’s a problem. It’s the same thing with the internet. It’s a great way to connect things that are otherwise unable to be connected, but once you put a human behind the mouse and….
Day 28: Write about how you feel today. – I’m a bit annoyed that I spent all day watching TV and not doing some writing, but it is my rest day after all, so I should just be happy I got to rest. Next week is a tough working week, but I’ve got Pokemon Y to look forward to on Saturday!

At the end of the day…

I went to Mela’s house today, and we watched the HIMYM season premier and Treasure Planet. I very much enjoyed the shows/movie…and having someone to cuddle up with when watching it. Especially the loving aww-moments.

Whew, I am now a disgusting human being.

On the bus home, I was the only passenger, and the driver was talking to me, asking me what I did at uni. He asked me if it was my own motivation or my parents’. I said mine. We both agreed that all the prestige and title means nothing if you’re unhappy – at the end of the day, you want to be happy for yourself, not because you were trying to do it for someone else.


I Don’t Believe That Anybody Feels The Way I Do

[Wonderwall – Oasis]

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection,

Fuck you so sexy, if ya just be looking at thems bwois they be melting at their knees and begging to treat ya right.

Or some shit like that, right?

They tell us to love ourselves because we’re all beautiful, no matter how big our breasts, how perky our butts, how thin our legs, how high our cheekbones are (this is just, you know, for the girls. I mean, hell, guys might want perky bums as well I don’t know) but how many people REALLY see themselves in the mirror and go “fuck yeah that’s what I’m talking about”? Because I bet each and every one of them think, “Oh, I wish my skin was smoother” or something small, or big.

The difference is if they let that bother them. It’s not exactly “love the skin you’re in”, but rather “be predominantly not so bothered by the shortcomings of the skin you’re in”. And if you have something which you bloody think is brilliant, I say go fucking flaunt it. This period of time might be the only time in your life that that part is the best part, so go flaunt it – I say this without condoning wearing barely anything to show off your long legs. I mean…leave something to the imagination, please.

Okay, that’s the purely physical side of what I think about reflections.

The strange thing is, do you ever feel like you’re old? Because you see yourself everyday, and I just wonder how the hell do people actually think I look old enough to go into a bar (yes I know I get carded, but for argument’s sake we’ll say I don’t) because to me, I still am this little girl back in Gr 4. When I was about to leave primary school, everyone was saying how it was so strange that they were the oldest in the school, and that the preps saw them how they used to see the other old kids.

But hell, if the bouncers reckon I can get in, I’m not arguing.

It’s not like the face in the reflection still holds the same amount of wisdom behind it as it did in Gr 4. So I suppose in all senses that a hurrah for me.

Anyway, this is my last letter from my 30 days of letters. I think I should thank Bianca for telling me that it’s awesome, and I should thank everyone who’d read this. It wasn’t as repetitive as I thought it would be, even though I wrote pretty much all to girls than guys. I don’t know if I’ve made some self-discovery in these letters, but I suppose it cleared things up to write them.

So, for the last time in this series, but not for the last time in the blogs,


A Vinyl Queen From A Surfer’s Dream

[Miss Delaney – Jack’s Mannequin]

Day 5 – Your Dreams

Dear Dreams,

I don’t know which one they’re referring to so I guess…to my dreams, literally, I would say: Hey, thanks for entertaining me all these years! I know sometimes we haven’t been on very good terms with each other; you sometimes lie to me and show me things I wish were true but are not, and then when I realize that they’re not to be, your comforting fog is nowhere to be seen.

Sometimes you take the things that scare me the most, the secrets that I don’t tell anyone, and you show them to me, like you’re taunting me. You would throw me down a flight of stairs, off a building ledge, take away all my friends, accelerate my car off the highway, throw me into the deep ocean, toss me into hungry flames…and, again, when I am awake and about to beat the crap out of you for scaring me, you’d already ran away.

But, sometimes, we’re friends. You sometimes show me how to solve problems, and you warn me of how horribly wrong events can go so that I can avoid them. You let me soar through the sky, break through walls, and most of all you make going to bed pleasant. So for that, thank you. For everything else, screw you.

To my metaphoric dreams, that is, my hopes and plans for the future: Hey, one day you and me are gonna get together and make so many Happiness babies it ain’t gonna be funny, so I hope you’re prepared for that. For now, I may seem to be taking my time but I swear I am working my way to you as fast as I can. But, please, ’til then, don’t give up, keep waiting, and for FUCK’s sake don’t die!


P.S. I didn’t even realize ’til now that my title has the word ‘dream’ in it and I totally didn’t notice it, let alone intend it.


Last night I came up with these little musings/lines. I couldn’t figure out how to put them together in context, nor do I wish to particularly share the context in which they were conceived, so I’m just putting them here:

I’ve more or less come to terms with the fact that happiness would most likely go knock on everyone else’s door first, looking for a place to crash, before finally, reluctantly, and after roughing it out as a hobo for several months, come to me.

I’ve tried being optimistic, trust me. I’ve gone and looked for the silver lining on so many clouds that, had I been successful each time, I would’ve accumulated enough silver to kill the entire werewolf community. As things are, I have barely enough to poison a small hamster.

It’s okay, I didn’t stake too much emotion into this one. I mean, I staked some emotions, but hey, even though the stock market crashed I’ve still got enough to live on instant-noodles with.

It feels like Life is the schoolyard bully, and a psychologically twisted one at that. She’d let me have a bit of breathing space, let me be happy for a bit, let me enjoy my lunch money, and just when I’m starting to get confident in the schoolyard, she’d grab me by the collar, dunk my head in the toilet, and laugh because I’d actually believed for a second that I am going to be okay.


A Wonderful Dream Come True

Aw shucks, why not? I can have dreamy moments (stolen off Bee) every now and then.

I was actually wondering what I should title this awesome blog when I remembered talking to Carmaine about it last night, and her saying “I could always dreeeeeam”. And so I suppose this is a dream come true for my friend. Apologies in advance to Bee for nicking that title, and to Ula, in case you didn’t want me to spread it around. But seriously. It’s awesome!

To catch my readers up, Ula is a friend of mine from my previous school, Brentwood. I know I should censor her name but meh. Anyway, last year (2008 – oh ha if I close the bracket straight after 8 it becomes a smiley face) she came to MacRob, and as I was taking her around on her orientation day, seeing as I know her, she told me that she’s dating a guy so awesome that they’re going to get married. I was really stunned, and for about an hour afterwards I kept on asking her questions and planning out small details of her wedding (girly moments are totally allowed) and generally shaking my head and saying “oh my god wow”.

Ula left our school at the end of 2008, and is going to another that offers VCE 3/4 subjects that she wants (I think music centric). It was a pity she left our school. I’m back to being the only Brentwoodese. Another reason I’m annoyed her is the following:

After finding out she left, I called her to warn her to tell me when Vlad proposes, which he will before January is over, Ula had said. They’d wanted their wedding to be right after she turns 18, in early 2009. Ula in turn promised to tell me when it happens.

Last night, I was online with Julia and Carmaine, and out of the blue Ula pops up and says, “Hey I know you told me to tell you when it happens. Well it’s a day late…but Vlad and I are now officially engaged.”


I was actually physically scream-whispering “AHHHHH” and laughing and everything. I told Carmaine immediately, and in my haste to read what Ula was writing, I made a huge typo. Carmaine asked me what I’d written. I re-wrote it, apologizing for my excitement. She said, “I can usually understand your typos; you must be REALLY excited.”

I don’t know if Ula would want me to post how he did it? Actually, I don’t even know if I should post the fact at all. But I’m sure she must be so over the moon right now that she’d want EVERYONE to know. Well, I made a small dedication to her on my display name, and in turn 3 or 4 people immediately asked me, “Oh my gosh, is Ula getting married?” So I suppose the word is going to spread anyway.

It’s rather the awesome to be thinking that one of my friends is ENGAGED, to be MARRIED, and I can refer to him as her FIANCE. Julia remarked that I was so excited when one friend got engaged, what would happen if all my friends got engaged at once?

Okay, so maybe there is such a thing as “true love” and some of us are just lucky, to be able to find it so early on in our lives (considering Ula’s previous boyfriend was a douche…oh wait…I wonder if his girlfriend reads this?) and to be so happy and to be living that dream that I’m sure all normal girls have had (note: normal – and April don’t you dare correct me by saying “note: girl”).

The point is, the second reason I’m annoyed at her for leaving was because I’d envisioned him proposing at the Yr 12 formal for MacRob. Or at least I’d get to see her flaunt her engagement ring. But noooo.

Congratulations, Ula and Vladimir (did I spell his name right?). Or should I say Soon-To-Be-Mr-And-Mrs-Protassow?

Keep Cool (and believing in love)



I think, for now, I can be content just sitting on the couch with some good munchies and a solid supply of decent sitcoms.

It’s strange – at least, I find it strange – that I can be so tired of life sometimes. I can wake up with absolutely no outlook on anything, not wishing or wanting to get up out of bed but knowing I should. I’ll make it to lunchtime before my eyelids feel thick and heavy, and I want to just bury my face in my blankets and sleep the heaviness away.

Then, other times, I’d miss another voice, another face so much that I’d pick up the phone to annoy someone, or look through my pictures just to see those loved faces. I’d dredge up memories of laughter just to take the buzzing blue feeling away.

Content. I love doing things with people. I love the feeling of accomplishment when I’ve done things with people, like going shopping and finding something that either I or they wanted, or having watched a movie and discuss it, or go bowling and, win or lose, witnessed a funny moment I could relive later. But I love even more quiet conversations, heads huddled together, whispering secrets that I’d never say louder, giggling at things that mean nothing.

Like the bankside bench, like the nap.

De Fluffe, Out.

What a brilliant day

For those that know me, they’d know I love crisp mornings where it’s not wet (or a little damp I don’t mind) and when you breathe you can see the little clouds. Okay, so today wasn’t crisp per se, more like bone-cracking cold, but I enjoyed it because we’re at the end of August and Spring will be here soon. And Eu- would agree that sucks.

The day was brilliant because the morning was my type of morning, and everything seemed to have sailed smoothly. The train ride wasn’t too bad, Car- seemed awake and not grumpy which is a blessing, and Eu- actually let me annoy her, which is again a phenomenon. No, her being there is a phenomenon. Mondays I don’t usually get to see Eu-. Actually I said to her this afternoon on the way home (YES! SHE WAS THERE TOO!) “Beggars aren’t choosers. And I’m a beggar here. I have to beg to have just a bit of you…” and there I heard what I was saying.

April, however, was ghastly sick. When she didn’t show up, I called her at recess, and I got this female Darth Vader on the other end. All jokes aside, I was worried. April gets sick yes, but hardly ever sick enough to take a day off (unlike Dani, yah? Jokes hon) so it was very worrying. Good thing she did take today off though, some of those winds dug right in.

I hung out with Dani most of the day, though. She gave me a very warm hug when she saw me (go you) and then we just talked a lot, and she tried to kill my thumb again – a pressure point on the base of the thumb nail, and Dani would try to make you hurt by pressing it. We had a year level assembly about Yr 12, because today subject selections went in, and we reckoned it up and realized we had 6 weeks of school left before we are in our FINAL FUCKING YEAR OF SCHOOL! Okay, so for Yr 12’s this year it’s a bit more daunting but COME ON! Those who have graduated probably won’t appreciate this, and those yet to graduate probably won’t either, but the sudden departure of a structured day just seems…scary.

At lunchtime I sat with Car-, Bee, Dani and Ina (would it matter if I said “Ina”? CRUZIK!) and Bekchie came along, and we just all mucked around telling lame jokes. The only joke I remember – sadly – is Bekchie’s penis action joke. Blergh. Maybe I am intrinsically dirty-minded.

Haha that reminds me of when on Sunday in Chinese school we were discussing the 4 bases of a relationship (instead of Detailed Studies) and one friend didn’t know what second base was so Pam- made a swirly motion with two fingers raised, and still that friend didn’t understand, so Ev- made a upward jabbing motion with her fingers. Yeah, we got it now.

We had an open-book SAC in Legal but that was actually intense, despite how easy it actually was. There were many case files and we had to sort out each one. That kind of work is tedious, but not difficult.

I read back on what I wrote so far, and it all seems like I was recounting a trivial day. I aim to write something meaningful about each day, so maybe this will be that paragraph.

After getting off my chest that “emo” blog I wrote about letting go of a certain something/one, I felt a lot better today, but Bel- took it the wrong way. She thought I was ignoring her and the rest of the group, but that wasn’t it. I’ll say it now on a public forum: I wasn’t ignoring you! It just so happened that I didn’t spend much of today with you guys but I definitely am NOT ignoring you!

Oh, and that reminds me about Sonam!

Sonam got a “cute” haircut! She now has the stereotypical ASIAN FRINGE! She hates it when people comment that it’s “cute”. Which came in handy because she did something stupid today, and I counterattacked with, “well you know what? YOUR FRINGE IS CUTE!”

Touche! (I can’t be bothered finding the accent)

Sonam said that she didn’t want to continue her blog (on my blogroll) because she doesn’t want to write superficial stuff on her blog like what I did at the start of this entry. She says she can’t even be completely honest in her own personal diary let alone a public blog. And, I think she has a fair point. Having secrets down on paper (so to speak) kind of makes it official and real, almost tangible, and there are thoughts we have and things we want that should remain forever in the depths of our consciousness. Depending on how little regard you have for your own pride, some people would probably never ever write down what they really feel, or even say it out loud. The only times they say those things out loud would be to their soulmate (bah what a term, but there you go) or their best best friend.

I envy that sometimes, because it makes you more mysterious and have more to give and share. I mean look at me now, just blabbing cats and dogs, leaving absolutely nothing to talk about in real life conversation (case in point Dani today: Me “Bel- wants to start a band…” Dani “I know, I read it on your blog.” “Oh” “What’s the point of having real life conversations when you have blogs?”) so tomorrow when I complain about this to BRuCE they’ll say, “we KNOW!” (Except for Bee who DOESN’T READ THIS!)

Julia has password protected entries. I have no idea how to do it. And even if I did I don’t think I would feel comfortable with doing that. (Nothing against J) Mostly because if I protected something and only gave password to a certain few people, then those certain few people would probably just receive a personal email from me. Since I put my profile to public then…well?

Okay shit 1000 words haha. I will stop now. Today was indeed a great day. I actually felt like jumping and singing “OH WHAT A FEELING!” which is that good. Eu- seemed to have opened up a bit today as well, if not reluctantly. Oh well, we take what we get. As time goes on maybe more?

I love you all, BRuCE, Dani, April (get better) and of course Sonam’s cute fringe!

De Fluffe, Out