I Want A Burger, Hold The Emotions

To sum up what I am feeling because I don’t feel like writing about it but at the same time I want to write about it:

I want a burger right now. A Mighty Angus from Maccas if that’s okay.

Why do I want a burger? Because eating that burger can apparently make me stop feeling that immense…are there words? Immense anger, regret, sadness, weariness, misery…and that hunger (both physical hunger and emotional).

Because I feel like I should be apologizing but I know that I shouldn’t be. Because I did nothing wrong except want, and worked for that want. I earned it. I deserve it. But I can’t have it this time, as I couldn’t have it the last time.

History repeats itself only in the bad bits. History took careful notes when it was still a young Present, and remembered. And with a menacing flourish, it hit me where I hurt the most.

And it’s not my fault. I must know this.

Maybe between the beef patty and the relish I can find the words I want to hear right now, “It’s not your fault, I am very sorry for what I did.” But not only do the pickles not talk, I don’t even have the burger. I don’t have the comfort that I am seeking right now.

I can’t be blamed for doing what I do, just like biscuits can’t become burgers, and wishes can’t become action.

Alex.

I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.

25 Things I Hate About You

Got this off Vania’s blog but I also know that it’s been circulating around Facebook.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You  have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

(Clearly, tagging is a Facebook thing. I’m not tagging anyone. This is a BLOG. I just don’t have too much to blog about.)

1. I’m short-sighted but I only wear glasses when I read, not when I’m out and about. It’s a bit of a contradiction because I suppose short-sighted people technically need it for out and about, and not for reading. But oh well.

2. I have that stupid “7 Things” by Cyrus stuck in my head right now because of my title.

3. I bite my nails, which is a bad habit. But for a while in Year 8 I went through this phase of growing my nails so long, that someone said I should cut it ‘cos its length is disturbing. I never managed to grow my nails again.

4. I wish that FRIENDS is still going. Actually, I just wish that I can write for FRIENDS. Not because it was successful (that too) but because it’s such a well-made show.

5. I. I don’t know, I wrote the last four starting with I. I should write one starting with something else.

6. YOU. Heh.

7. If there’s any mythical creature I could be (and I mean, in any myth. Ancient Greek, Gothic, Ancient Chinese, Japanese etc) I would be a vampire. Yah.

8. Once, I read a book where a main character had a habit of chewing his lips. I liked that character a lot so I started chewing my bottom lip as well. It’s now become a habit, and my bottom lip is dry, cracks a lot, has bruised-looking bits where the flesh split. Stupid son-of-a-bitch book. It was a good book, though.

9. I have a tendency to make close friends with people significantly taller, or at the very least noticeably taller than me, with a few exceptions. And by them I mean Bee, April, Yeleng, Swinsetbsnm…(Shorty Who Is Not Short Enough To Be Shorty No More. Yeleng came along and took the title of “Shorty” from Christina. Christina is now known as Swin.)

10. 25 is a really big number. I could end it here and it will become “10 Things I Hate About You” but of course THAT concept has been taken.

11. I’ve planned out my funeral songs. I think a few people already know this. But for reference, those songs are “Savin’ Me” by Nickelback, “The Reason” by Hoobastank, and at the end of the service, when they’re playing a nostalgic but fun-filled slideshow of my life, I want “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter playing. So far, barring Nickelback, my funeral songs have been put on Singstar for me to fail miserably at whilst I’m still alive.

12. [BANG!] Mm whatchoo say…

13. I think back in Grade 5 or 6, I wanted and wished that Pokemon is real so badly that I even made up this story in my head about what would happen. Basically, it went something along the lines of every one of my other classmates getting a Bulbasaur or a Charmander or Squirtle, but then a specially lucky student gets a Pikachu, and I got the Pikachu, and then there was this invention which allowed us to open portals from our world to the Pokemon world (I have to specify, I only went as far as the Kanto region, but I suppose it’s okay seeing as from there you can travel to Johto and Hoenn anyway). I wanted that so badly one day I woke up thinking, “okay, today the news will say that Pokemon is real and that all the children will embark on their new journey as soon as possible.” Of course it never happened.

14. Going onto that, I also wished for a while that Beyblades did more than just zoom around the stupid shoebox. I wished and I pretended like I could control the toy with my will, like they do in the anime. I’m such a dag.

15. Looking back, actually I wished a lot of the anime world was real, depending on which one I was into at that time. Case in point, I wanted to be one of the ninjas and live in Konoha with Naruto. I wished that I believed in “The Heart Of The Cards” and kicked ass alongside my alter ego like Yugi. I wished that I one day realized that I’ve got Saiyan blood in me and I could power up to Super Saiyan and fly around and shoot energy balls from my hands. I wished that I was one of the Wicked Witches and killed Bloom and all her stupid fairy cronies (Ha, okay, I wasn’t into Winx Club but I was going through Toasted TV in my head and I remembered it). I even wished I was in Onizuka’s class in GTO, even though I would have to have something drastically wrong with me.

16. I started blogging on WordPress after I went to  journalism conference with April all the way back in 2007 (or 2006, but I’m pretty sure it’s the former) and they were saying, if you want to get better at writing, then keep a blog. I’ve sort of tried to write with accurate grammar, or thereabouts, on my blog.

17. It annoys me when people just say to me “You’re smart, you’ll ace it.” I’m not, and I don’t.

18. Haha this just popped into my head from this afternoon: “I have CDO. It’s OCD but in alphabetical order, the way it should be.”

19. After I think reading on a book about 2 girls who were raised as individuals but one day found each other by chance and realized that they’re twins, and together they had magical powers (I said I’m a dag, right?) and I think the series was called T*Witches, anyway, after reading that, I wondered if maybe I had a twin out there. At first it went like my parents had to give up my twin and I’m living with my birth parents. Later it changed to I’ve been given away and I meet my “real parents” and they’re awesome and my twin is heaps fun but she’s much girlier and all my friends are surprised when they see her because it’s strange to see a girly version of me.

20. Fuck, nearly there.

21. What a cheat, haha!

22. I’d like to think I’m a good listener. The thing is I wasn’t before, at all. So I don’t know if I’m a good listener by general definition because I can’t be any worse of a listener than I was before, save actually saying “LA LA LA LA” over someone else talking to me.

23. Pon and Zi are so adorable, and I loved them more when I saw the artist’s earlier works, when he didn’t find his love, and they were really hurtful and pained, and to see the pictures now when he’s become happier makes me love Pon and Zi more. My favorite at the moment is the one where the yellow one (can’t tell which is which) is saying to the blue one “I love you” but the blue one has music on and didn’t hear him.

I Love You

24. I love Bianca, Carmaine, Eunice, Dani, D.P. and April. More than anyone else. I know it seems a bit redundant when I’ve put up so many names. But well yeah.

25. FINALLY! This was harder than the ones with prompts. If someone has one with prompts send them over.

Keep Cool (I love You)

D.F.

“Pain Is My Friend”

Yesterday Bee said that she liked pain, because after the initial shock it…something-something, but it made me nervous because it was a rather masochistic monologue.

Today she called me to tell me that her brother managed to, while skating and being “over-confident”, fall backwards and break both bones in his left wrist. He has to have surgery. That’s 6 weeks of summer holiday ruined. Poor dude. According to Bianca, it was excruciating pain.

I think about that, and I wonder if I really do have a tolerance for pain. I haven’t really broken much except some flesh wound when I fell off a bike onto gravel (not fun) and my heart (haha). I mean, I am aware that in everyday life I say “ow” to rather small things but it’s like the kind of “ow” you say as a reflex because you felt a small amount of something that was pain but it wasn’t exactly overwhelming. And, yeah, I say “ow” when people bend my fingers back a bit but can you blame me? In certain situations that could be torture.

So I wonder, if push comes to shove, and shove comes to shoot/hack/crash etc, would I have a tolerance for pain, work through it, ignore it, and try to move away from danger? I mean, we all have a fear of pain (except, apparently. Bee) but when the pain does come can we work through it?

De Fluffe, Out.