I Promise You, Kid

[Haven’t Met You Yet – Michael Buble]

So I noticed that I hadn’t blogged in about a week, and I realized I would therefore fail my 15 a month target if I didn’t write something soon.

I’ve sort of just been sitting at home doing nothing, which is probably what I’m writing about today. I like to analyze my own actions after a while.

A few of my friends feel that they’re wasting their lives in front of the computer screen – social networking just doesn’t hold the thrill anymore. They want to go out and get a job and start working towards the dream life they have.

I also want to work towards that dream life but I’m still sort of in the mindset of a kid – I have plenty of time to do it later, when I’m older. Except I am older.

And I think I have been hiding/held back by the fact that my parents aren’t giving me much freedom, and I couldn’t get a job. But I don’t know what the ratio of each is. I mean I do have friends that tell me to “just do it”, as in just move out and be¬†independent. However it’s kind of hard to do it when I don’t have any means to support myself. Right now, my bank account is somewhere at 15 dollars.

I think that’s why I’m really looking forward to going to New York for exchange (have I mentioned this?). If I get the exchange, I will be going to my dream city for half a year learning about stuff I love, all the while being independent – at the same time financially I should still be supported somewhat (even though I still really need to get a job). So it’s sort of an incentive and a trial (dream city and independence) without the shameful failure.

However, I don’t think I’ll be able to disengage myself from the internet. I don’t think it’s a matter of my wasting my time on it, or being addicted to it (though in both cases it’s true), but rather the internet is such a huge part of what I find interesting about the media, that disengaging myself from it would be cheating myself of happiness.

There, I justified my addiction. Bring on the interventions!

Anyway, I’ve sort of been a recluse for the last few days, and after not getting another job (even though I do have a work experience somewhere! It doesn’t earn me money – if anything it takes up money – so I don’t know how I will do), my ego has taken a hit. But I have organized to go out a little bit in the next few days to bring my mood back up again.



Yay I was told I just more or less finished Legal Studies 1/2 today, and with just an exam (do we get one?) at the end of the year it’s a relief to have finished one of my subjects for the year.

Anyway just a quick update in case I don’t write anything tonight. I have to write up some English notes, and then fold laundry, and then watch TV. It’s a busy life.

Vania is so cool she does everything for and by herself. I am in awe of her. Newfound awe.

Holidays holidays holidays soon. I can’t wait to be able to go out more often, and sleep in. Maybe if I badger them enough, my parents will let me drive more again. I still don’t get why they don’t trust me to drive. Hmm. Maybe one day I’ll be trying to teach someone to drive with my own car and I’d be worried too.

De Fluffe, Out.

2 irrelevant things…

I was in the shower (no no no no no just keep reading) and since my throat was hurting a bit I decided to think instead of sing. And hell, I seriously belt in the shower! I was halfway through my rendition of Ben Lee when we was on the ski trip last year, but Carmaine and Bee made me shut up. Okay, the point is, I was in the showering thinking about what I should write in my blog, since Vania said she won’t comment until I write another one tonight. And the following occurred to me:

I wasn’t this passionate about blogging (measured by the fact that usually, when I’m not singing in the shower, I’m thinking about TV or food or…”stuff”) a while ago, how come so into it now? Well, it was mainly because Dani started to blog frequently and I thought, I should too. After finding Vania’s and then having Carmaine start her blog, the “pressure” to keep posting just kept on mounting. I am a posting maniac now!

But that just all led me to the belief that I am a sheep, not a shepherd. I do things because other people do things. Okay, to clear the air, that doesn’t mean if everyone starts taking drugs and having unprotected sex, I would too, because they’re both the most idiotic thing you can do. But it does make me realize how much of a drone I am.

Would that define me in the future? Would I be another faceless office worker? No I shudder to think that. Even though I was confused as to what I really want to do for a career, I was pretty damn sure I wanted to work for myself. Whether that means freelance work or not – tough profession but summun’s gotta do it – I don’t know. But I love the thought of my own den, and just working away in an environment I am comfortable in. That’s why I can imagine – or would rather imagine – myself living with Dani or Carmaine or any other friend, because they wouldn’t be oppressive like my parents.

I’d hate to be a leader though. People have told me that I have leadership qualities. Probably do if I put my mind to it but honestly I am too lazy a person (and frankly, too indifferent to other people) to be a good leader. So no. In a tough spot, I may be able to be relied on to think up ways to salvation/safety/freedom/whatever, but otherwise, no.

Hmm, I was going to include some funny links, which was why the title was 2 irrelevant things but I just thought of another point I want to put out there.

I wrote that in a tough spot I can be relied on, but I meant in things like a large group, say like in Lost how people got…ahem…lost. I can probably keep a level head in those situations. But I am going to be talking about something else.

I want to think that I matter to someone. Not like “you matter, you’re my friend” kind of thing. But that I really matter. That someone just can’t live without me, and there is no substitute for me. Even if the feeling is temporary, I want it. I guess maybe that’s why I want a partner so much. Because they would totally rely on me to be there, just like And- and Dani. I was reading his comments to her on her blog, and I want someone to rely on me and need me the same way Dani needs him.

But okay “melo” moment over.

Here are the fun stuff.

On Tuesday I went to VET but did abso-freakin’-lutely nothing. That’s why I blogged, you know. So I went on Funny Junk and I found the following pictures:

http://funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/7185/Bear+Warning/ (long read but worth it)

But, also I want to show you this really cool human snake thing, and it was done with stop motion animation, and for the Yr 12 video I seriously want to do something like that:

And finally, Vanilla Sky’s cover of Umbrella by Rhianna, which is just fantastic, and the video is not bad either (some draggy parts but otherwise a good laugh):

That’s all.

De Fluffe, Out.

P.S. I still love You more than ever.

With friends like these…

After school today (Wednesday, so half day off) Car- and I went to Melb Central and Eu- came along except she went off to meet up with Thomas (I guess it’s safe using his name, right? I don’t even know him personally) her orchestra friend. Car- was looking for jumpers for me, for my birthday (which, ah, is about a month and a half ago) and then I went to have a look at earrings (because I can take these starter ones off soon) but Car- wasn’t much help with earrings because she doesn’t have pierced ears. So, next week Stoner and I might go check ’em out.

Anyway, so while Car- and I were just walking around Melb Central trying to kill time I mentioned to her how I want to change my name (socially) into Alex. Actually, I didn’t mention it was Alex just that i wanted to change my name. We were looking at 3 little dogs, and Car- said one should be named Fluffy, and then gave me that grin. Anyway, I named them Alvin, Megan (Car- named her) and Kenny, but we didn’t buy them. When we came back a few minutes later someone took Alvin away…

So, anyway, I mentioned that I wanted to change my name and asked her whether she would start calling me by my new name (I asked Sonam and April and they said, “only if you really want us to”) and she just guessed that I wanted Alex (according to her, I’ve wanted to be called Alex “for…a while”) but it got a bit weird when she said that she would call me Lex as a nickname (because, I have not told anyone, but I’d wanted someone to mention calling me Lex as a nickname).

What was the point of that? No idea.

When I mentioned this to Dani (D.M. previously. I got her consent) she said that she rather liked the name Alex as in Alexander. Then, she thought about it, and said, “I’m going to call you Xander instead. Forget the Alex part.” So I guess with her she might call me when I do change my name. Which, in case you wonder, would probably be after graduation.

Also, Dani offered for me to stay at her place when I’m in Uni. As much as I’d love to take up that offer – and I thought about it, I did – I don’t think I could! My parents for one would be the biggest hurdle, and then there’s the shameful fact that I can’t really be independent. I mean, Dani’s been independent since Yr 9 so she’s got nothing to worry about but I still don’t know how to COOK! What the hell am I meant to do if I suddenly move out?

Ah, perhaps I’d have to tolerate the oppression for a little bit longer, and then, if I fight for it, I can finally get out.

Sorry, I just noticed that my blog title was “with friends like these…”

I wrote that because, afterwards Bee, Eu-, Car- and I sat outside Harajuku Crepe store, and while Bee was devouring her chocolate crepe we sat there and talked and laughed, pretty loudly. The seats were outside, so every time we said something dumb, or loud, we would attract looks. And, the best part was, we didn’t give a shit. So what if we all looked like idiots? They can think what they want, but I loved every moment of sitting there with the wind in Eu-‘s hair like Celion Dion on a rampage, and Bee literally choking on her laughs, and Car- making man jokes about me (as you would) and just generally laughing along with every lame and precious comment we make. Would we still have those moments when we’re older? I know that as we get older we’re going to have a lot more problems – Bee already does, and would we ever find the time and the peace of mind again to just sit down on a windy day and talk and laugh until Bee chokes? What kind of future wouldn’t hold that?

I read Dani’s blog just then. It was, honestly, depressing. But not in the “oh my god why does she have to write that” kind of depressing but the “such is life” kind of depressing. It was definitely powerful. I feel inadequate and immature, not having experienced anything life changing or altering. The closest I’ve come to death was when I didn’t look when crossing a road and a car merely missed my foot, and when I was trying to learn to swim and while doing the backstroke, I started sinking and my teacher was concentrating on another student. For those 4 seconds I really thought something bad was going to happen, but then her hands lifted me up again. Eu- wants to take me swimming. I know her intentions are good, but I honestly don’t think she knows how scared I am of drowning (ironically, that’s what’s stopping me from learning to swim).


De Fluffe, Out.

Nothing like inspiration

Okay so I just read D.M.’s blog (not sure yet whether she’d appreciate me advertising it so I shan’t) and she had a pretty long ramble about life. And actually, it was inspirational. She didn’t talk about the everyday shit I crap on about, like school and problems with other people. Nup. She talked about herself. And her future, and her past influences. She had a set few on the things in life. Plus she had an awesome picture of a grass pushing its way through asphalt. Which, by all standards, is AMAZING.

I meant the weed, but yes, D.M. is pretty amazing too.

So I thought to myself, “Defluffe,” I said (well I didn’t, I used my real name. I don’t know. Whatever) “maybe it’s time you get a bit existential as well.”

So, what are my future plans?

Right now, I just want to get out of home. I know that in some ways I am spoilt and selfish and all that only-child shit people tend to believe about only children. I don’t know if my parents love me (I don’t think they love me per se, more like the idea of me) but I’m sure when my mom told me she rather I wasn’t her daughter, that was some sort of inkling. No, actually, can’t I just not be able to stand my parents and want to move out and be free? D.M. is so sure about her own morals because of her mom’s, and I’m sure of my morals because of the same thing, but from a different angle, and towards a different direction. D.M. wants to be like her mom. I would rather kill myself than become anything similar to my mother. Once I found myself doing an action that she does, and it nearly made me gag.

I sound like a whingey emo right now, don’t I? Some people would do anything to be able to argue with their parents, because it means that their parents are there. I won’t say that I wish I had their life. In the past I wished I had someone else’s life, or someone else’s parents (still do about the 2nd thing) but now I figure, my life is rockin’ at the mo’, ‘cos I got some really good friends. I mean, if there is anything I will take out of high school, it is that I made some really solid friends.

Wouldn’t it be sad if I revisit this post a few years later, and read back at how naive I was to believe that I would still keep those friends? I’d hate, and I’m scared, to think that I would come back on my 21st birthday and think to myself, “well that friendship went down the drain after graduation.” So I have decided that I would actively try to keep bonds with my closests. I won’t lie to myself, there are probably 90% of my current friends who I won’t bother trying to keep in touch. And included are some people who I say I would keep in touch. Maybe I would initially. But out of sight, out of mind, right? Of that 10% that I would try to keep in touch with, I don’t know who would reciprocate. (ha) maybe I’m not as loved as I’d like to believe.

Postsecret.com, had a postcard of someone saying, “I plan to be hit by a car, just so that when I am in hospital I can find out who my real friends are.” I think that’s quite a…well twisted enough, I think that’s quite an idea. “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?” I’ve said this to D.M., “sometimes I wonder what I can do to make them see what they would lose.” She said it was the most depressing thing she’s ever heard me say. Hindsight, yeah. But, nowadays I’m frequently thinking that. Perhaps the stress is getting to me. Perhaps, I am just plain mental. I mean, what, 2 out of 10 people are mental? (Made that up completely) so maybe I’m that 1 out of 2. I mean, not EVERYONE can be those 8, so SOMEONE’s gonna be one of those 2. Probably me.

It’s past nine, and, under my PARENTS’ regime I have to go to bed. I guess it keeps me healthy, except I wake up every morning more tired. The only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing I can see their faces again. This is getting to be a mid-life crisis at 17.

De Fluffe. Out.

P.S. Thank you D.M. for inspiring me. You are definitely in that 10%.