Tag Archives: joke

Forever alone

I had dinner with Annie, Jen and Joshanna today at Red Silks, and half-way through Josh and Anna started having a bit of a cute bickering sort of thing. I was eating my ice-cream.

As he grabbed her hands to make her do a gangsta sign, and she was resisting, I put on a voice and started saying, “No, you let go! No YOU let go. You hang up first. NO YOU HANG UP FIRST! Ooh look at us we’re so cute. La-la-la-oh-god-I’m-so-single.” Then took a huge bite of ice-cream.

I know it’s a bit douchey of me to recount my own call but I was rather proud of it. Good delivery too, if I may say so myself.

Alex.

You Said Move On, Where Do I Go?

[Thinking Of You – Katy Perry]

Well, since I (somehow) capped myself, this will be my last post until I uncap (except for Christmas). I put some effort into making this post interesting, okay?

This is mostly for Katherine’s benefit.

One day when we were on MSN I complained to her, “Katherine, you never stalk me anymore. When we first met/got back in touch, you’d stalk me three times a day, at the least. Sometimes you’d drop by and stalk me unexpectedly, just to let me know you still feel that stalk-spark. But now you only stalk when I ask you, and even then I don’t feel like your heart is in the stalking. It’s like you lack the passion you once had for stalking me.”

Katherine replied, “But honey (she didn’t say honey, but for the purpose of this very thinly veiled double entendre she did) I don’t need to stalk you to let you know I still love you. Can’t you just know by me simply giving you a quick hi on MSN?”

“It’s not the same!” I cried, “You used to stalk me so passionately that you knew everything about me. I would look into your eyes and ask you the name of my 3rd grade teacher and you’d be able to reciprocate. But now, now you barely remember my password!”

“Dammit woman! (Again, she didn’t say woman. Why did I make her out to be the guy in this…anyway) Don’t you get I’m trying? I come home everyday exhausted from a long hard day of legitimate information gathering, and I just want to put my feet up, sit back and watch some Bones (oh yes, I noticed what I did there). I love you, baby, but I just need some time to myself. I can’t stalk you all the time.”

“Time to yourself? Oh don’t be coy with me, I know EXACTLY what you get up to!”

“What…what are you talking about sweetie? (She doesn’t call me sweetie either. She’s not a womanizer. She could be if she tried…and had a dick. The point is…)”

“I know about those tumblrs and deviantarts! I know that you spend your ‘free time’ stalking all those pretty girls on those sites instead of me! Do you think I haven’t noticed? What, am I not arty enough for you? I can be arty! I can be anything you want! Here I’ll string some apples onto trees, sit in an awkward yet erotically suggestive pose, and have you take pictures. Do you want that? I can do that! What can I do to make you want to stalk me again?!”

“You don’t understand, baby. It’s not the same.”

“I get it. No, I understand. I’ll just leave. Maybe I’ll delete everything of mine so you won’t ever get to stalk me again.”

“No, baby don’t be like that. Come back. Hey? Baby? Alex? Alex?!

…AAAAAAAALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEX!!!!!!!!!!”

(I HAD to put a Streetcar reference you in there, you understand.)

The intensely capitalized utterance appeared on my screen just as I moved my mouse cursor towards the close button. Hesitating, I tapped out, “Oh I do love you Stan-I mean, Katherine. I do. But how can I trust you again?”

“I’ll show you,” came the reply. I waited anxiously, not knowing what form of stalking Katherine will bestow upon me. Suddenly a red icon appeared on my Facebook page, and I saw that Katherine had “posted something on my wall”. My heart skipped a beat, half in excitement, half in anticipatory terror. What did she post?

“Hey sup how r u? I see u were playing bejeweled! Kwlzz~~”

And my world became complete once again.

Alex.

Disclaimer: Katherine never ever talks like that. In fact, I am willing to bet a very small amount of money that when she reads what I wrote, she will actually run away crying. She doesn’t type like a tool.

What she does do is stalk people on deviantart and tumblr. That part was true, and was written for her benefit.

I do not own Streetcar Named Desire, Tumblr, DeviantArt, Facebook or Bones in any way. Aha, now you can’t sue me.

And I’m very sorry, Katherine, for that thing about the dick…. ._.

It Was A Fun Day, It Was A Fail Day, It Was A Ducking Fantastic Day

That was a long title.

Today, instead of going to singing rehearsals (which I think now that I think about it, I was actually aware of last week, then forgot about until last night) I went out with Katherine again. We went to the city to “research” webcams, speakers etc. Also, I had to run errands.

Got to the Glen uber early because I couldn’t be bothered catching a bus so got mom to drop me off as she went to work, meaning I waited around at Maccas using their free wifi for about an hour. Got the 10:11 train, and Katherine got on at Mt Waverley. This doesn’t sound exciting. It isn’t.

Got to Melbourne Central and needed to pee. Then got Caramellatte. Still isn’t that exciting.

(What WAS funny, however, as right before I went into the bathroom I told Katherine to “stay here” and the look she gave me could only be described as “oh-no-you-didn’t-just-treat-me-like-your-dog”.)

So first of all we went to Myer to look at speakers. It took ages to find the entertainment section because we had to go down down down down.

Katherine also looked at cameras because she wants a DSLR. Anyone gonna help her out? Didn’t think so.

By the way, and this has been bugging me all day; to my friends: do any of you use Versace New Woman? Because Katherine was wearing it, and I SWEAR I know someone else who wears it but I cannot for my LIFE remember who. It would, I assume, be someone who I get close enough to smell. Just ignore how ducking perverted I sound right now.

I think that’s the bottle. Google does tend to duck with me sometimes.

Then we left Melbourne Central and went to Bourke St to head for JB. We went into Target first, and got lost. I told her to “ask the Asian chick!” but she refused to. “We can find it ourselves!” “You’re such a guy!” “What?!” “Guys never ask for directions.” “FINE I’ll ask the Asian chick!”

Then we got out of Target and went into JB. This is gripping stuff this is.

We saw the speakers that she wanted. Z4 or something? She gasped. Then saw the pricetag. She gasped again.

Well, at this point (and I just consulted Katherine who also has “NO idea”) I forgot the chain of events, so I’ll just throw in stuff that happened and hopefully the universe doesn’t collapse into itself in a mess of chronological mess.

Mess of…chronological…mess. I need to sleep.

At some point we traversed Russel St. We walked around in the shade (thank you vampirism). We walked a hell of a lot. We went to the Dirt Cheap Books store. Haha. Ha. I made Katherine look at a book about sex or something naughty starting with S. I found it funny. She found it fit to simply walk away from me. I tried calling her name but to no avail. I contemplated using the tried-and-true “MARCO POLO” tactic but felt it not emergency enough.

At some other point I took Katherine to the “secret shop” that Eunice once showed me except she’s been there before with another Alex. We looked at PostSecret books and random books. She found this book called “Wreck This Journal”. At the back of the book, it says “tape this book together, and mail it to yourself!” I think I might actually mail it to her.

At some other point we traversed Elizabeth St. That was painful on my feet too. We walked into a lot of electronic stores. Most of the time I just whinged about how Katherine doesn’t watch FRIENDS, and never has.

(I started marathon-ing Season 2 of FRIENDS again last night. I gotta say that summer when I marathon-ed it all was such a wonderful summer. Michelle, can I borrow all of them again?)

At some yet other point we ate lunch. Had an interesting conversation at lunch. It was interesting because I made Katherine talk and eat. You know she doesn’t do either in public right? Apparently she doesn’t sing in public either. I mean. Who doesn’t or hasn’t once sung in public?

At some yet other other point I ran my errand. We went to National Geographic and I got Eunice her Sea Monkeys.

At some fail point I started going up in the down escalators because my brain said, “No one is going to that one, it’s empty!”

Finally, we were bushed. We were so bushed we decided to find a place to sit down except the downstairs foodcourt at Melb Central was too hot and one of the good couches upstairs was taking by a really PDA couple (there was a lot of space next to them – they were REALLY PDA – but yeah we thought it would be WAY awkward to go sit with them).

So we went down to the Basement and found a couch to crash on. Listened to Katherine’s iPod. Then this group of guys came down and sat on the couch next to us and it was majorly awkward turtle ‘cos we just basically sat still and pretended we weren’t there. Then they left. So we had the gummy people I bought her, and I made her drop one in my mouth except she missed (I swear, oh my god, my mouth was 10 cms from her hand. She missed).

At some point after that we took the train home together after I made her take Glenny with me (the guilty puppy face actually works on her. Wow.) and we tried to solve the Sudoku except I ducked it up. Then we were doing the crossword, and 16-across was “Ass-like”. I wrote “Katherine” next to it.

I guess I can’t be bothered explaining the huge in-joke behind that except just simple to direct you towards “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas.

There was a clue that was “seize”. So far we had _rap___ and at the same time both of us wondered out loud, “Crapture?”

After she left I was sending her a text and I tried to write the f word except it came out as “duck”. I think that’s how I’m going to swear as from now on.

Well, I was aiming for 1000 words and I hit it.

Alex.

P.S. Apparently singing rehearsals sucked. Yay. (Annie…Annie…ah duck it)

P.P.S. 14 days ’til Sorrento!

Count

Number of exams done so far:

2

Number of exams to go:

5

Number of minutes I had to write my language analysis:

40

Number of times I made the joke “I did that anal so hard the table shook”

20 (or more…probably more)

Number of people I plan to praise me today:

10

Number of people I’ve already asked

3

I’ll keep the count going for the next 3 weeks.

Alex.

P.S.

Number of snails I nearly stepped on today while walking home:

8

Who’s the eco-friendly bitch? Me. Why were they in the middle of the path anyway?! STAY ON THE GRASS!

Also

Number of times the thought crossed my mind that if I tag this heavily with VCE English etc, I’ll get the George Clooney rush again:

4

Tastes Like Bitter

Carmaine told me to post something she said, but I forgot what it is. I do remember this one, however:

Now, she got a haircut yesterday, and her new haircut today is rather the awesome. Also, she was very happy in Methods, so I teased her by asking, “Hey, you’re really happy today. What’s up? Where’s the emo Carmaine?”

“I don’t know,” replied she.

“Did you eat her?”

“Yes I did. She didn’t taste very good though. Sorta bitter.”

[cue drums]

I wouldn’t believe that she thought of that on the spot, mostly because the delivery was almost perfect, and it’s hard to keep a straight face when telling such a good joke, but look, she’s convinced me that she did in fact make that up there and then.

Carmaine, if you’re reading this, do you remember the other thing you wanted me to post?

Alex.

Haven’t seen you in a while

Today on the tram ride to Flinders, as a joke, when I sat down next to Jen I pretended that I hadn’t seen her in a while.

“Oh hey! It’s been a while, how’ve you been?” said I.

“I’ve been well,” said Jen.

“Yeah? Katie’s grown up a bit now hasn’t she? How’s she doing?”

“She’s great. Yeah she’s 17 this year.” (Which is of course the same age as Jen currently)

“How’s Tommy?”

“(Tommy’s a crap name.)”

“(YOU’RE the mom.)”

“Tommy’s good. He starts kindergarten next year.”

“Oh wow he sure grew up fast. I still remember when he was this little.”

“Yeah, and Bindi’s 21.”

“Oh wow, must be a handful.”

“Hey you goin’ to the reunion next month?”

“Yeah, the 30th right?”

“(Wow that makes Tommy have a really old mom.)”

“20th? (No that means you had Bindi when you were in Yr 12. 25th, then.) Yeah 25th Reunion. Wow it’s been ages since I’ve seen Julia…”

“And SONAM! Yeah oh did you hear Jen T- is now the…”

“President of China?”

“Yeah and plus she discovered a cure for cancer.”

“And April…well we have to call her Senator Scarlett now. (No wait, you can’t be a Senator if you’re not born in America.)”

…

And so it went on.

The looks we got.

Alex.

Your face is the structure of In the Lake of the Woods!

Today in English we taught Miss A- the technicalities behind “your face” insults.

She didn’t get it, at first. So I had to demonstrate:

A: I think it’s just weird.

Me: Your face is weird!

A: But it’s not very witty.

Me: Your face isn’t very witty!

And so on.

So when she left the classroom, “Starsky” had the genius idea to change the essay topic we were analysing which was something like “The structure of ITLOW asserts the narrator’s belief that there is no one truth” to “YOUR FACE IS THE STRUCTURE OF ITLOW! Discuss.”

I went home with Fel today, but not before going to Melb Central so I can get some earrings. Dom and Er- (I don’t know how to spell his name so I’m just guessing) came along and sort of hung out with us. I felt bad because I made Dom go all the way from State just so he could watch me pick out earrings, follow me to the bathroom (but not INTO the bathroom) where I washed off the hearts on my hand (it was a Social Service stunt which actually was sort of fun) and then followed us back up to Maccas. Oh and Fel and I tried out the demo of the NDSi camera and took various shots of our faces distorted or morphed together and colored weirdly. It was freaking awesome!

On the train ride home Fel and I argued the whole way. I told Fel she should be ashamed that she’s not taking Awkward Boy to the Formal. Fel argued that she shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed. It went on for an entire train ride, and there was a white middle-aged guy sitting near us who was smiling and laughing the whole time.

I’ve got my Methods SAC starting tomorrow, and an English SAC next week that I haven’t started preparing properly for. I made a new friend in Legal today/yesterday, a Yr 11. Quite nice. Very sick (not in the…er…fully sick sort of way, but she actually had a nasty cold).

The Social Service stunt that I mentioned earlier was basically to get everyone to compliment someone and draw a heart on their face/hand. Jen went up to Sonam with “you have glasses”. Tiff got two “you’re really lame”. And I got one for “you have small hands”.

Alex.

Chicken, cream, sticker

Last night we got a phone call from a family friend. They raised a couple of chickens as pets except one of them turned out to be a rooster (cos you can’t tell when they’re chickies). The rooster’s crowing a lot which is pissing their neighbors off, so we got a call from the guy, who was somehow under the impression that my dad can “do something about it”.

Well, he can’t, but we got the rooster anyway.

So last night the rooster slept in the cardboard box it came in, because it would squeeze under the gate otherwise or something, and run off, and there’s one rooster gone to waste. We fed it some rice grains and water this morning, and put it in the shade so that we don’t get roast chicken before it’s plucked, if you get me.

Anyway, dad can’t actually do anything about it, which is a dead pity because I’d wanted to see him try, and take pictures. That’s the difference between Carmaine and me, I suppose. Carmaine takes pictures of nice events, pretty people and clothes and scenery and momentos, and I like taking pictures of things being “taken care of”.

So dad called up another family friend who actually does know how to “take care” of a chicken. Its going over to their place in about an hour. I took a look at the rooster this morning (it had a sort of confused crow this morning. Sort of like “cock-a-doodle? Cock-a-wtf-is-this-box?”) and it was really really really robust rooster, shiny feathers and strong round body. Pity we won’t get to eat it. I was actually really looking forward to having it. Carmaine looked at me funny when I mentioned that thought.

Tomorrow is Julia’s birthday, so today at recess we had cake for her (and sang happy birthday AGAIN heaps of times AGAIN) and there was this really really large and (stealing Carmaine’s phrase here) orgasmically delicious cake. We couldn’t finish it all, so we brought it into Form. Theresa then proceeded to pretend to come hug me but instead wipe cream on my nose.

And finally, I came across Carmaine going to her locker during her Chem double, and so we chatted a bit, and as she turned around to her locker, I saw a sticker on her back and couldn’t stop laughing. Being a good friend, I ripped it off for her. It said “LOSER”.

And those were the 3 fun things that happened today.

Alex.

P.S. I went to see Serpless. She wasn’t there. I won’t go to Baldock until I’ve seen Serpless. Seems logical that way. I’m taking control again, Bianca. Sort of.