Wake Up With Bloodshot Eyes

[Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH WHORE-FACE!

Actually, it’s tomorrow, yes FRIDAY THE 13TH. But today we went for your birthday dinner, which was meant to be but didn’t turn out to be a surprise.

We went to Perfume Central at the start to get your birthday present. We sampled many different colognes to find the one that shouted “I’M A MANWHORE” which was actually quite hard because there were two of them. We decided on the one that we got you because it smelled rather good, in my opinion.

After getting the cake, and meeting up with everyone (and accidentally leaving Mai behind at Melbourne Central), we met up at Red Silks for your dinner. Yeah, Red Silks. It may not be the most high-brow place but it has become our group’s place of laughs and memories, so it was a good choice. Same table as last time, too.

The great thing about a group who shares so many memories is that conversation never lulls. And if all else fails, Mai’s boobs and Anna’s confusion always provides interest.

Anyway, I think you had a rather good time tonight (and you got a kiss out of Anna, which I bet you loved), and I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow (despite having to work so early and so much, and tomorrow being Friday the 13th haha).

I meant what I wrote in your card, brethren.

Love,

Alex.

Wheels Go Round And Round

[Faithfully – Glee Cast Cover, original by Journey]

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Ah, isn’t this a bit of a repeat? I don’t really have an official ex. I do have an ex unrequited love/deep like sort of thing, but there is one in the future days about the one who broke my heart the most…so.

Aw shucks, what do I do?

Dear Me,

Look, it’s been a while. I don’t think either of us/me handled ourselves/myself respectably with the whole…ordeal and break up (hell, you/I cheated on me/you/us, bitch) and I think I can speak for all of me and you/me, when I say that the scars will always be there.

I mean, why deny it? We/I/you had something special, you/I agree with me/us/you, right? But all good things must come to an end, and whatnot, and so our/my/your relationship came to a crashing halt.

I/you will always take the lessons that I/you/we/they have learned in the relationship. And we/you/I should just move on.

You will always/sometimes/I have always been/in some ways we/they/I can be someone special in my/your/our/the individual of/their life.

Alex.

P.S. Well I got lost, did you?

Cucumbers And Tomatoes

Or tomatoes, however you say it.

Thanks to April, last night I went out for the first time in weeks. I went to the city in my nice blazer, with my hoodie in my bag in case it gets cold. My blazer has many buttons because of a certain feature, and so when I got on the train, a lady going to the footy smiled and said to me, “if I ever need buttons, I’ll come to you.”

On the tram from Flinders Station to QV, I had many many people stare at me. I later said to April, “either I’m ri-DI-kulusly good-looking (said in the same way as Zoolander), or each and every one of them was trying to figure out if I am a girl or a guy.” April agreed it was probably the latter. I mentioned that it happens every morning on the tram, too, to the point where I get paranoid and start sneakily wiping my face to check if there’s anything on it.

We sat on the fake grass area of QV, April, Si, Simon’s 2nd April (i.e. his newly bought PS3) and I. It got very very windy and cold, so I went for that cool hipster look where you wear a hoodie inside a blazer, and passersby think “woah, bro, that’s a sharp shoulder line because of the blazer, but a nice and cushy neck-line because of the hoodie. Righteous!”

A small girl began running circles around us, airplane style, so I screamed “WHEEEEEEEEE” which scared her off.

Soph, April’s little sister, showed up and we went to meet April’s childhood friend Tom on Swanston St. Tom is in the army, and has finally started having weekends off. He is training to drive tanks – the ones with 8-wheels and they’re fast so they’re not very good under fire but they’re FAST – and to handle weaponry, obviously. He has many stories of rough training sessions and wilderness camps.

Tom hasn’t been in the city very often, and if he was honest, he’d never had Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant before. So April decided Chinatown would be a good idea, until I reminded her that there is a chance Tom a) might not like the food and b) can’t use chopsticks (when I mentioned this, Tom sort of said, “chopsticks?”).

In the end we decided to hell with that, and went to Lygon St for Italian. Ironically, we met up with one of Soph’s friends called Pasta (nickname, obviously). We were waiting for Pasta next to an Asian busker playing Guang Liang songs on his keyboard.

Walked to Lygon St via Russel St, and it took a lot less time than I thought it would. We ended up going to/being pulled into this small restaurant near Grattan St. The manager who pulled us in was very friendly and incredibly heavily-accented. Fresh home-made pasta, she boasted. Better than the restaurant next door. Simon found an online review of the place, and the review mentioned that the manager would persuade and repeat about the freshness of their pasta. We supposed that we’ve just been had by a nightly routine.

Tom was served Coronas with a wedge of lemon inside the neck of the bottle. He says it tastes interesting, so I think I will try that next time.

After a while, Soph’s boyfriend Erh- arrived (now, I am more than certain I mentioned Erh-. In the post about Hamwu’s birthday last April, when I talked about a guy who walked around in a Scream mask scaring and shadowing everyone, that guy was Erh-) with his friend Anvo. I can’t remember Anvo’s name properly so I will say Anvo but it probably isn’t Anvo. Anvo and Erh- are Turkish and Pasta is Iranian. I have not really hung out with non-Asian guys much so yesterday was an eye-opener, in a good way.

Anvo was a fun character, he would be talking to me one moment, and a girl would walk past and I would just have to wait a few minutes for him to turn back around to me. The dinner table conversation got a bit MA rated when they started evaluating April’s true vegetarianism, seeing as she’s dating Si and everything. (Go on, draw the dirtiest conclusions from that.)

Erh- asked April if there is a vegetarian way of eating meat. April replied, “lick it.”

Laughter.

Soph said, “well, what about cucumbers and tomatoes?”

Laughter.

Erh-: “Cucumbers never go soft though.”

Soph: “What about when they get old?”

Laughter. A passing waiter gave us the eye.

Then, the conversation moved onto whether there is a Halal way of eating meat (still thinking dirty here, folks). Then ensued a demonstration of praying before “killing”, and at that point Tom was looking horrified, I was looking confused (being at the far end of the table, I get parts of the jokes only) and Si was just laughing.

After the meal, we said bye to Erh- and Anvo, and then bye to Soph, Pasta and Tom at Melb Central. Took the train home without too much problem, despite there being a slightly strange girl trying to play some sort of hand game with herself loudly.

I apologize if any readers were offended by what I wrote. I don’t think it’s excuse enough to say “but the jokes were made by people of the religion” but there it is…

Alex.

Dude, She’s Amazing

[That Girl – McFly]

This won’t be a long post. I went out with D.P. today, and then crashed Jen’s house.

D.P. took all my jokes rather well. I was basically making fun of her hair. There was one, which I particularly liked, and it went, “your hair is so big that when the wind blows, you actually slow down because they’re like parachutes.”

Kerchow.

Anyway, she went to Sab-‘s place at around 1, so I went to Jen’s (it is so cool to have MSN on my phone, because I hopped on, saw her, asked if I could go over and within 20 minutes I was in Jen’s kitchen). One of the main reasons I wanted to go to Jen’s was because I haven’t seen her in about a week (which is how long I haven’t been out of the house. It’s not a confession I’m proud of. But the week passed quite quickly after Sorrento), and also I know Jen will give me free lunch. I saved about 10 bucks, man!

Jen cooked some pasta, and made chicken soup with chicken meat balls and some beans. It was one of the best soup-things I’ve had in a long long long time. I think it’s because it tastes like good-at-cooking. Jen said it tastes like me. I was worried.

During lunch I was looking around Jen’s living room and I was startled when I thought I saw a goldfish the size of my fist (I know my hands are small but you must appreciate, still, how big the fish would have been). I started saying, “Woah dude you have the biggest goldfish!” when I realized that actually it was a normal sized goldfish, magnified by the water and the glass bowl. MLIA? Yes.

Played Mario Kart for  a while, refreshing my dislike for Wii Mario Kart. I’m too used to the DS, and Wii is too sensitive, even when I picked Bowser for his weight, and used manual drift. Then Ash came over, and I realized it was 3:30, and I should leave. It started pouring but I dealt with it. I let my hair get a bit wet, hoping that maybe I look good with slightly wet hair. I don’t think I did, though.

Thanks, Jen, for letting me randomly drop by. And happy birthday Meghanism!

Alex.

She Will Always Be My Sunkissed Trampoline

[Little Joanna – McFly]

This is Day 2 of Sorrento.

Damn it, I left it too long, things are getting hazy. That and I’m trying to finish off the rest of the tequila (about 1/3 of the bottle) that no one else wanted to take home.

Before I continue, though, I just want to say that the lyrics are always random. Dani said that the brain automatically tries to make some connection to some hidden meaning.

I started the 2nd day with Jen’s and Annie’s voices waking me up. It was ironic because it was Annie’s voice (and Tiff’s, screaming stuff like “STOP TOUCHING ME THERE!” – they shared a bed) that kept me up the previous night. I turned on the TV and watched Sesame Street. The letter of the day is J, and the number was 16.

Anyway, everyone got up at some point, stumbled around and had breakfast (Jen made the most orgasmic scrambled eggs) and then got ready for the beach.

Went to the beach, which was about 5 minutes away, and on the way passed some road workers, one of whom offered to “be your lifeguard, if ya want?”. No.

Slapped on sunscreen (apparently not enough in some places, as we found out later). Then decided to fill up my water gun. I actually went completely into the water in my tank top and running shorts, which was dumb because the shorts were designed to hold water, so after I stood up, I looked like I was pissing myself for about 5 minutes. We decided to “dig a hole, and put a nerd in it”. So April went in. Then we did the obligatory body shape thing, except we decided to go for a Lady GaGa theme.

Er, yes, the gun is in fact her “gun”.

And you can’t see as clearly, but the assets on her chest were Spanna sized. In April’s own words, she “can’t even see past them”.

The weather was awesome. We were worried that at best we can get half a day of windy cold beach, but instead we got this (and sorry for the chapped lips, but salt water is yucky. Yes I had some in my mouth. April thought it would HILARIOUS):

That, by the way, is Spanna. You can’t see her boobies but trust you me, they’re…what’s a synonym for big? Gigantic? Yeah okay.

Anyway, frolicked around in the sand for a bit. We ate packed sandwiches, and Bel’s sandwich got attacked by some hungry seagulls, who continued to try to nom the half sandwich the whole way through lunch.

Speaking of annoying things hanging around; the workers that were all pervy before came back and blatantly sat at the top of the beach, about 10 meters away from us, and watched us. They actually ate lunch watching us. Well, at least we all believed it was us (Shar- got really creeped out) it could be the ocean view but we highly doubted it.

Sunbaked heaps. Well, they sunbaked. I simply let myself crisp. I think I’ll probably die for posting this picture but hell.

To whomever this picture depicts: If you simply don’t tell me off for putting it there no stranger will know who you are. To the people who do recognise the girl: I KNOW RIGHT?! KERCHOW!

Went back at around 2 or 3, and then Jen, Spanna and I wrote up the stuff for Carmaine (just quick birthday notes, filled with love) and I took a quick shower. The gritty nature of my hair was great, I felt like a true surfie. Actually I just felt salty and burnt. This was the burn on my back:

It’s actually quite embarrassing to show it. It looks so dumb.

Alright, so then Jen and I, get this, walked into Blairgowrie again. Remember that map from yesterday? I did it AGAIN! Turned out I had pretty awful sunburn on the backs of my feet so the walking didn’t help. Nearly fainted once. It was awful. In the end we missed the cutoff time for posting it (who knew at Sorrento/Blairgowrie it would be 3pm?) so Carmaine, you probably received it by now, a day late. Sorry!

Went back, and then had dinner. It was the best dinner ever! We had some of the best dinner table conversations ever, starting from Tiff saying to everyone, “Oh my gosh, Spanna is such a freak in bed” (she meant Annie was just being weird, not the other meaning. But we all took it the other way anyway, and I was choking with laughter for about 3 whole minutes) to my saying “they should invent fly nets with holes for the face and arms so you could stick your face and arms through the whole while you eat” and April countering with, “why can’t you just get nets that go all around the table?”

That night we played punishment. Basically two names are drawn, and then a punishment drawn. Whatever the punishment is (we kept it tame and civil) the two have to do to each other. For example, April had to do a CS Cowboy shot (do not ask what CS is)

Once I got drawn out with the punishment “cut a bit off the fringe”. Everyone else was saying, “Oh that’s easy.” But I actually was terrified. NOT MY FRINGE! I passed it over to Shar-. She didn’t give a crap.

Then we watched Scream. That movie was done by Scary Movie, and we all agreed that the movie was MADE to be parodied. Because the movie itself felt like a parody. It was horrendously hilarious, but for the fun of it we all did the screaming like “GET OUT OF THE ROOM!” “HE’S BEHIND YOU!” “JUMP OFF THE ROOF!” “DON’T RUN UPSTAIRS!” “RUN, BITCH! RUN!” I think scary movies are just much more fun when you’re with friends who get scared easily (April, I’m looking at you) and scream so you scream to make them scream.

Then after that we watched a bit of Team America but everyone went to sleep anyway. Pretty much I only wanted Sonam to see the puppet sex scene, which she did. She said at the end of it, “there were things that I didn’t know…you could do.” Well, we learn something new everyday.

Tiff, Spanna and I were the last ones to bed. That’s because the 3 of us were the most/only ones burnt, and we were in pain. Tiff had the massive-est burn on her back. It was actually painful to look at it. I wanted to hug her but hugs also pain her. Breathing probably pained her. We used up a very long spanking session worth of moisturizer on her back. (Speaking of moisturizers, it turned out we had medicated sun burn lotion at home. Dad didn’t think we’d need it at the beach, apparently.)

I slept at around 4:30, after checking my emails and FML on my phone. Then I woke up at 8:30 from Jen’s voice. That’s a story for the next post, though.

Alex.

Mentally Retarded, Steroids, Arsonists…It’s A Good Family

Yesterday was Dani’s 18th birthday! I remember last year I think I told people to go to her blog to wish her a happy birthday. DO IT AGAIN! Even though you’re a day late.

So last night Andrew and Za- had planned a surprise celebration of sorts for Dani. They’d gone to the Wonderland Ice Skating rink.

Carmaine and I took the train to the city together, because we weren’t going to go ice-skating. Got to the Wonderland place (which is on HarbourTown)  at past seven, and watched April, Si, Za-, Andrew, Dani and Kud ice skate for a while. It was getting cold already! I wasn’t wearing enough (that is, I was wearing a shirt and shorts. It was pretty windy, alright?)

They finished ice skating at around half past seven, because D.P. was texting saying she was freezing her ass off outside the Medici the restaurant we were going to eat at. We walked down to the restaurant (Si said it was in one direction and everyone else walked in another. I said we should follow Si because “Simon says”), and felt really awesome walking in when everyone else waited for a table, because Za- and Andrew had already made a reservation.

Za- made a fail move when she sat down on the small individual tables instead of the large table for 11 people…I laughed.

Sat down, and ordered a few drinks and the food. At some point Dysh- and her boyfriend came along, and then Talinoob also came along. (Mel had left by this point, I forgot to mention.) Dani and I, for old times’ sake, did another sugar-shot. To Englang, we toasted, and downed that packet of coffee sugar.

So we started doing the whole joking around thing that Andrew loves so much. Last year for Dani’s birthday the theme and butt of all jokes were how small Carmaine’s eyes were. This year it was how mentally retarded I look/act, how Dani’s pretty much a crazed arsonist, and how Carmaine is probably on steroids, to explain why she’s so freaking tall when the rest of the “family” isn’t.

The “family”, by the way, is a Facebook joke where Andrew and Dani are the parents of Eunice, Bianca, Carmaine and myself. Eunice and Bianca had since took themselves off the family list (or never joined it) so just Carmaine and myself. D.P. is our Auntie. I am the effing son/brother. Since I’m the only one who bears some resemblance to Andrew (another long running joke) we figured that Carmaine had to be adopted. Still, Andrew realized the reason Carmaine doesn’t seem to fit into the family is because she’s on steroids. When Andrew first said, “Holy crap my family is fucked up. I got an arsonist for a wife, a mentally retarded son and a daughter who’s on steroids.” Carmaine laughed, and then asked, “Wait, who’s the one on steroids?”

Guess the steroids got to her brain?

I ordered a Midori drink thing, which Za- said she’d shout me. D.P. ended up taking it, so I ordered myself a Japanese Slipper which is Midori, cointreau and lemon juice. When that came, Carmaine took a sip and made a face because it was quite strong. I liked it. I made April promise to make me one some day because she knows how. She ordered a Sex On The Beach (I told her to text Vania about it).

Then Za-drank about half of it, all the time saying, “Oh man I get sick at the sight of liquer!” Weird girl.

So because Za- took my drink, she decided to shout me a Baileys (which Julia knows is my favorite).

We had heaps of sexual connotative jokes – look if we freaking ordered a Sex On The Beach and D.P. started getting a bit tipsy you know sexual jokes are gonna show up. In this case…actually I think, in the interest of not publicly shaming Carmaine, I won’t repeat what that 2 handed joke was.

Then Andrew started trying to finish all the food people didn’t finish, like the ravioli, risotto and the pasta Carmaine didn’t want (she ended up eating some of my gnocchi). He got really full and started acting really stoned, and then he had some of Dani’s Sex On The Beach (everyone had some Sex On The Beach with Dani, apparently. It was a good birthday for her) and went really red in the face.

We then started playing Chinese whispers. D.P. thought it would be oh-so-funny to start something along the lines of “Peter Pepper Poked A…” etc which I, as the 3rd last person, got as “Peter Poked Her Peter Poked Her”.

Left at around nine thirty, and took Talinoob and D.P. through Docklands to get them back to Flinders (I was worried because they were walking in slight zigzags and hooting like hyenas) but in the end we (Carmaine and myself) ditched them at a tram stop and walked to Southern Cross. Southern Cross didn’t run Glen Waverley so we took a train back to Flinders and then took a Glen Waverley. Gave Carmaine a ride home, and then contemplated blogging this before bed on the iTouch. Thought hell no, and fell asleep until about 8:30 or so this morning when I got woken up by my parents yelling at each other.

So, happy birthday Dani my darling dearest doodoo! Haha I said doodoo.

I love you!

Alex

We’ll come back in 5 years’ time…

On the way home from English SAC today (which, in the words of Dom, I semi-raped. That in itself is funny because I wrote a rape scene in. Anyway) we were just randomly discussing things, happy to get stuff over and done with. And, I forget how we got onto the topic, we were saying how in five years’ time we’ll come back and Eunice will be the most successful and rich out of all of us.

Then I was saying how I’d end up not that rich but making TV references left right and center.

And Carmaine will come back to twist everyone’s arms around.

And then I was going to say Bee, but I wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. I asked her, and she fluttered her extremely long lashes and winked, “It’ll be a mystery.”

So I said, “Yeah, Bee will come back and be like, you won’t know what I’m doing but I can just LOOK at you and I know what you do. Yeah, I can just STUDY your BEHAVIOR and know what you ate for DINNER last night.”

And we laughed, because it’s probably true.

Alex.

Carm-edea

We were just saying today (Carmaine and I had said this before but we were saying to Nug) that Carmaine relates herself to Medea. If you don’t read that, basically Medea’s husband Jason cheats on her, and in a fit of crazy vengeful rage, she kills her children.

Yeah, put like that Carmaine sounds scary.

So Nug and I were joking around saying that we felt sorry for her future boyfriend.

Carm said this one: “DO NOT PROCREATE WITH HER!”

Me: (to imaginary boyfriend) “Look, you’re a top bloke, and Carm’s a top chick, but seriously, DO NOT CHEAT ON HER! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO IT!”

That was a funny conversation.

Also, I had “Anyone Else But You” stuck in my head (Mouldy Peaches. Also featured on Juno).

You’re a part-time lover and full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don’t see what anyone can see
In anyone else
But you

Anyone Else But You – Mouldy Peaches

Alex.

You know what, I AM awesome…

I suppose this is becoming common-place: my blogging about Mr Short bagging me in various ways.

What’s on today?

We were in the final 5 minutes of our Wednesday arvo class, and bored, I grabbed Jen’s foldout ruler and played with it. When I say foldout I meant one of the ones that fold out in the middle like an L shape.

Anyway, I was basically flicking it so it folded out and straightened, except of course sometimes I flick too hard and the ruler bounced close again. It would hit my knuckles pretty hard. I was okay with it, but Jen grabbed it off me. That was fine too, until Mr Short noted, “very elegant, Ruyi.”

So I dropped the ruler, and as a habit picked up a pen and started spinning it between my fingers.

“Now look at her! Champion pen spinner. Takes years of practise there!”

So I’ve decided to basically stop doing anything in class. Maybe then he won’t say anything about me.

Alex.

Eff My Life!

Today at lunch, just before going to guitar ensemble, I sat with Julia, Jen, Bo and Spanna, and we basically shared FMLs we’ve read.

So, to make you smile (or cringe) here are some of the Tops and Flops from FMyLife.com (on my blogroll).

I’ve actually just c/p’d from the Tops and Flops. I didn’t go look for them. I trust ranking.

Today, I proposed to a girl I’d been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I’d first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook ‘OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today’. FML

Today, I was at a family function. We were all sitting on the couch and I ended up falling asleep. I was woken up by my cousin, who threw a glass full of water at me. Everyone looked at me horrified. Turns out I masturbate in my sleep. FML

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

Today, my 14 year old sister deleted my entire iTunes library, which had every song by The Doors, The Beatles, The Grateful Dead and the Rolling Stones, because she thought my music was “weird.” She replaced it with Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco and the Jonas Brothers. FML

Well, see, your life isn’t that crap, is it?

Alex.