Your hair is everywhere

[Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessionals]

Day 04: Write about someone you love.

I’m doing pretty badly at this daily deal ha.

I find, though, for these kind of topics, unless you’re dating someone, or you have a best friend who everyone knows you’re best friends with, if you commit to writing about someone, you’re committing yourself to them.

Or maybe I have commitment issues I never realized or thought I would have.

For example, just a few days ago Jen was talking to me about possibly moving in together as room-mates in the soon-but-yet-unseen future, and weirdly enough I actually started freaking out just at her words – we could figure out who does the cooking, and we could take turns doing the icky jobs – and I was surprised I was genuinely freaked out.

It’s not that I dislike being around Jen – far from it, I don’t think we’ve ever had a boring time when we hung out – or that I think she’d judge me (much) when she sees what a slob I am – mostly because I’m slobby in public – but it’s more just living – LIVING – with someone else who hasn’t been part of my conscious day-to-day life since I was born (I am generalizing, because for me, my parents aren’t actually the ones who I consciously remember growing up with, but I did start living with them a good decade ago so the weight of the memories are enough) actually freaked me out. It wasn’t the thought of all the responsibilities I’d have, because I’m sure as much as I’d fail at it at the beginning, I’d soon pick up the rhythm and take care of myself, but it was just…SEEING Jen ALL the TIME.

There is no nice way of saying this.

But, back on track. Writing about a specific someone not only elevates them to a status of “First Who Came To Alex’s Mind”, but also “Now Expected To Always Come First To Alex’s Mind”, because why else would I mention them? I have a stockpile of who I can write about: Jen, obviously; Annie who I see all the time and who has been there during all the bad times; Dani, because Dani; Clare, because she gives great hugs; Bianca, for making me see the world differently; I could pick people who I don’t talk to all the time, whose support I sometimes let melt into the background, such as Katherine, who put up with a LOT of weird stuff from me; Catherine (yes…) who talks to me like we’ve never had any time apart even though we rarely do talk anymore; Julia, because haha I won’t revisit the random historical crap there but kudos to her; Steven who as a guy, manages to put up with all my weird ass mood swings, and over MSN too; Dom and Andrew who, at the same time but through different means, were probably my first proper guy friends in the era I call After Annoying-Adolescence.

But are any of them deserving of the ONE SINGLE mention? What qualifies them above the others?

Maybe I’ll revisit this question when I’ve gotten a significant other, and I can shamelessly put them above the others because it’s okay, no hard feelings, and no cold feet freak outs.

Alex.

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The stars at night aren’t as big and bright as you made them out to be

[I Fell In Love Without You – Motion City Soundtrack]

Day 03: What you think about love.

Oh dear God no.

My thoughts on it waxes and wanes depending on how lonely I feel at a particular point in time. Sometimes I believe love at first sight that lasts a lifetime, and sometimes I just think LOVE STINKS WOAH WOAH WOAH.

It’s a very big and sweeping question to ask. I don’t really know anything about romantic love, but I do think I know some about friendship love, and I think that friendship love is great and warm and all, but it really doesn’t fill holes that romantic love fills (yes, yes, that is indeed what she said). That is not to say you can’t live without those holes filled (and it continues), but all – or, well, most – of us at some point yearn for that hole to be filled (voila).

It’s hard to put into words moments of love – it really does seem to be a phenomenon that only exists as an ongoing awareness, but I suppose if I had to pinpoint moments where I really felt that tug at my heart that wasn’t the copious amounts of junk food I eat, I’d say when I get one of those not-exactly-quiet-but-eventless moments where I think about the things someone has done for me, and realized the amount they’ve actually put up with me, and a moment that made me laugh, I get that gurgling warm feeling in my stomach which I think is called gratitude…or…love.

As you can tell, to me, love is an abstract idea which people have over-simplified to make their life more meaningful.

Alex.

We Started At Zero

In the past month or so, more than 4 youths in America killed themselves because they were bullied at school for being gay.

This is Ellen Degeneres’ message regarding the matter. I’ll let you watch this first.

When I heard that the youngest of the boys were 13, I felt that stabbing pain of heartbreak – 13!

The oldest of the boys were younger than me.

When I read the news article, I actually sat there, shocked, for a few solid minutes. I could only stare at the faces of the boys, smiling back at me. I tried looking for any sadness in their eyes, and shadow in the curve of their smiles, and I couldn’t see any. These boys who, when the shutter clicked, had so much happiness, had been pushed to end their own lives to escape from the teasing. And for what? For being exactly who they are, and liking people that they naturally are attracted to.

When I was 13, I was in my first year of high school. My worst problem was that my closest friends in primary school all went to different high schools from me – I had to make new friends. And I did make new friends.

The THOUGHT of killing myself – or even HURTING myself – because I’m upset, didn’t even occur to me at that age.

Being different to other people is hard, but sometimes it’s easy to change it, even if it makes you a bit upset. The skill of fitting in is crucial in the early years of teenage-hood, I won’t even sugar coat it, I did it, you did it, I know that everyone did it at times. Maybe you’ll even realize that changing yourself a little to fit in actually pushed you onto a path you feel better with – or led you to that path, whatever. I know that I really wanted to make friends with Dani, so when she recommended music, I listened to them (oh, Dani, don’t see any less of me). It was a good thing that I did that, because I ended up loving the music in my own right.

However, there are things you just can’t change. You can try to deny it, but there is no way you can change it. Things like being attracted to people who are the same sex.

So, there you are, being very different to people around you, and you can’t change it. You’re not at the age where saying “fuck it, I am who I am” does anything. At these times, having at least someone on your side is crucial. The sad part is, and I know what this feels like, with things like being gay or bi, you actually feel like there is no one who would really be on your side. Even your closest friend might turn their back on you in your imagination of how events might go.

Even if you are brave enough to tell someone, then it becomes that THING where it needs to be kept secret, because you just KNOW there is gonna be an asshat out there who would make your life a living hell if they found out.

For these boys, the asshats found out.

I’m pretty sure this is the first time I made a direct reference to it here, but yeah, I am bi. I know quite a few of you will probably already know this, or guessed it by implication, but this time it’s written down here. (By the way, if you know me or my parents personally, can you please not tell them? Both of them are rather homophobic and I really am not ready to tell them yet. Don’t be that asshat and screw my life up.)

I am incredibly lucky. From the first person that I had the courage to tell, and all the subsequent people after that, all of them have been fine with it. I wouldn’t say that they’ve all embraced it with open arms, but I haven’t lost any friends over it. I won’t kid myself – there are very likely people who have sad bad things about me behind my back, and I’ve had a few say un-nice things to my face, but I have enough love from all my friends to help me pass that. And that’s why I say I am incredibly lucky. I would be count myself blessed if my parents could accept it too, but I’m not looking for miracles ha.

I honestly feel the utmost sympathy for anyone who is suffering because they don’t feel that luck and love that they need. I would be willing to talk to anyone who needs a pair of ears to receive their problems. But I wish I didn’t have to say that – I wish that kids don’t need a complete stranger’s support to be okay everyday, that if they need someone to help them, they can do what I get to do, and call up a friend to unload onto them.

It’s just plain wrong that these boys felt like they didn’t have a single one of these friends to talk to.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with them, so why were they made to feel like they had to end their lives?

May their souls rest in peace in, if they so believed, heaven. Yes, because even if I am not religious, I don’t think that an all-loving God would bar a 13 year old boy from having eternal peace.

If you’re feeling upset about something, please tell someone. People have a habit of surprising you in the amount they can care.

Alex.

Kept Playing Love Like It Was Just A Game

[This Love – Maroon 5]

Aw, just then when I turned on iTunes to get a song for the title, I had my volume turned all the way down to mute. iTunes gave me a warning that it was turned down, and if I want sound I should slide it back up. iTunes takes care of me.

Anyway, so today I was in my Intercultural Communications lecture and I got a text in the middle of the lecture, having forgotten to turn my phone on silent. I saw the following message from a number I don’t have listed:

I love you. I know I don’t say it often enough or make nearly as much effort as you deserve, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you and missing you… ❤

Apart from the embarrassment of having my phone go off, needless to say I had a shock, and wondered who it was. So, tentatively, I replied to ask for the identity of the sender.

Then I got this:

Omg lol I’m an idiot…it’s me, Cathy. I lost my phone last week, assumed you would’ve seen on FB. Wow I feel stupid now…

HUGE burden off my chest. I was getting worried as to who loved me and missed me and thought about me without me knowing who it was.

The ironic thing is, she always used to call me a disgustingly sweet nickname, or used to refer to herself as Bobobear (haha yeah, it’s just one of those names) but the ONE TIME that it would have been useful for her to do so, she didn’t.

Anyway, just a funny moment today.

Miss you, Bobobear.

Love, Alex.

I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.

Fussin’ And Fightin’

[Ice Box – There For Tomorrow, original by Omarion]

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dear Cathy,

It was a toss-up between Dani and you for the previous letter. I’m kind of feeling guilty that you got this one, but just pretend that it’s the previous one as well.

You read most of what I feel in the plane letter I gave you – you remember, the one that made you cry – and since they were pretty private, I won’t say it here again. But I think you’re actually better off in QLD, seeing as what is happening currently in your life. Imagine having to go through that with THEM still in the same State as you! At least now you’re one step closer to getting out forever, am I right?

I still miss you like a cat on heat (wtf) but I know that ultimately we’ll still be friends, but you need to get out seriously.

I love you, Bobiboop.

Alex.

My Pressure On Your Hips

[This Love – Maroon 5]

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear Eunice,

Well, let’s be honest, we really haven’t been talking much at all. I know it’s weird of me to say it, because I saw you today, but yeah we honestly have not seen each other for about a good half year. From your Twitter updates, I know that you’re doing fine, and whatnot, but yeah, it’s strange not to hear it from you in person.

I don’t know…I don’t want to say anything more because yours aren’t toes I want to step on. It definitely jerked a few heartstrings seeing your face and hearing your voice again today.

I miss and love you, despite the fact that we rarely speak anymore.

Alex.