I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.

Hey, Nice To Meet You, I’m Your Other Half

[The Best Thing – Relient K]

I won’t go into detail about Sorrento yet, even though I do want to be the first person to post it. But right now I’m just extremely tired and burnt (yes, the burns on my shoulders – which I’ll go into detail about later – are now tingling). I just want to veg out and catch up on episodes I missed this week. Although I’ve done my fair share of vegging and eating junk food (don’t get me started on how much we ate…yet).

So perhaps tonight. And I have to upload some pictures from my camera as well (didn’t take as many as I planned. I just feel that without Carmaine the camera seems out of place. But with Carmaine the camera just seems natural to be out at all times. Am I weird?)

Be right back, after my back be right. And my feet. Oh god my feet.

Alex.

“Pain Is My Friend”

Yesterday Bee said that she liked pain, because after the initial shock it…something-something, but it made me nervous because it was a rather masochistic monologue.

Today she called me to tell me that her brother managed to, while skating and being “over-confident”, fall backwards and break both bones in his left wrist. He has to have surgery. That’s 6 weeks of summer holiday ruined. Poor dude. According to Bianca, it was excruciating pain.

I think about that, and I wonder if I really do have a tolerance for pain. I haven’t really broken much except some flesh wound when I fell off a bike onto gravel (not fun) and my heart (haha). I mean, I am aware that in everyday life I say “ow” to rather small things but it’s like the kind of “ow” you say as a reflex because you felt a small amount of something that was pain but it wasn’t exactly overwhelming. And, yeah, I say “ow” when people bend my fingers back a bit but can you blame me? In certain situations that could be torture.

So I wonder, if push comes to shove, and shove comes to shoot/hack/crash etc, would I have a tolerance for pain, work through it, ignore it, and try to move away from danger? I mean, we all have a fear of pain (except, apparently. Bee) but when the pain does come can we work through it?

De Fluffe, Out.