He Takes Off Her Dress Now

[Mr Brightside – The Killers]

I really miss my old high school group. Not the ones who I still see often, as mentioned by a previous post, but the ones who I used to see everyday, take the train with everyday, and now I hardly even connect with. I’m talking about the names which older readers of mine came across as often as I used to say them: Bianca, Carmaine, Eunice… I remember when we had an acronym for the four of us!

I bring this up because today while I was cleaning a table at work, Bianca (who works two stores down) walked past me and gave me a bit of a friendly bump. I was having a bit of a moody day, because I’d expected a quieter day at work it being a weekday, but it was actually as busy as a weekend. Then, with just 5 seconds of Bianca and I exchanging a quick “hey!”, I instantly felt better. Maybe it’s mostly her face, but I really think it’s also because I had a reminder of a simpler and casual-er time when we would meet up after school and catch a train together (but not before stopping for a crepe or something first).

In other news, Amelia got her driver’s license today, so I’m prepping myself to finally be able to have her be my bitch and drive me around. Actually, that probably won’t happen, because you know, she has a life. But it’s still exciting to think we can actually go to different places for dinner, or go home later when I visit. MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH MEG!

MORE MEG IS ALWAYS A GOOD THING!

Alex

 

I know that I can’t take no more

[Bye Bye Bye  – Further Seems Forever cover of N’Sync]

I just published a password protected post. It’s something I wrote over a year ago (June 2010) and saved into drafts and never published, and I came across it while cleaning up my blog categories.

It made me laugh. A lot of things changed in one year.

You can ask for the password if you know me personally, or if you ask really nicely.

The first part of it was a ragey sort of deal at a ‘you’. The irony is that, reading it now, I am not even sure which ‘you’ I was referring to.

The second part was a ragey sort of deal at myself. And I was glad to see that some parts of it changed – I did get a job, after all.

And it included that I was becoming closer friends with someone who now I don’t talk to at all. That made me laugh bitterly.

Alex.

P.S. Going to write up 2 of the 28 days thing. Because I sucked at that one so badly.

I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.

My Pressure On Your Hips

[This Love – Maroon 5]

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear Eunice,

Well, let’s be honest, we really haven’t been talking much at all. I know it’s weird of me to say it, because I saw you today, but yeah we honestly have not seen each other for about a good half year. From your Twitter updates, I know that you’re doing fine, and whatnot, but yeah, it’s strange not to hear it from you in person.

I don’t know…I don’t want to say anything more because yours aren’t toes I want to step on. It definitely jerked a few heartstrings seeing your face and hearing your voice again today.

I miss and love you, despite the fact that we rarely speak anymore.

Alex.

Time flu…ahem flew…

I procrastinated rather guiltily last night, reading through my old blog posts instead of doing Legal homework. Soon it would be 1 year since I started blogging frequently.

I was reading through some of the first ones I wrote when I first started. There was that once when BRuCE sat outside the crepe place in the wind laughing loudly and having fun together. Or that time in assembly last year when Dani and I sat together and wondered at how there were only 6 weeks of school left…for Yr 11. And yet here I am now.

Relived Sale all over again. Every word brought back the amazing moments that we had in Sale, the drinking contest that Julia lost, Jen’s mozzie bite through the jeans…

I was going to relive those first few weeks of holidays too, the few days I spent with Bianca. But it all became too nostalgic. The knowledge of how close I am to the next big step in my life…

Well, Term 3 starts tomorrow. It’s my final full term ever. Soon I’ll be blogging about how we’re six weeks away from ACTUALLY graduating.

Alex.

5 Months

Just a quick note. I was going through my old blogs today trying to find exactly when I started blogging frequently. That was 4 months ago, tomorrow. But 5 months ago, I wrote a blog about my holidays, my birthday included, and I wrote a line apologizing for my lack of updates to “April, my one and only reader”.

5 months, and that is no longer the case. Well, first of all, April hardly reads this anymore, because she doesn’t have internet. Secondly, I’ve actually managed to meet 3 people through my blog. And thirdly, I had less than 100 hits back in July, and now I’m soaring at the mid 4000’s.

5 months. I read through a few blogs from the days in between, starting from August 18th, when I first read Dani’s blog and was inspired by it. A lot has changed. It was interesting to read about when I didn’t know better, or when something hasn’t happened. I feel that I’ve accomplished something. Especially the difference in the blog where I cursed at my own inability to support my friend, and the knowledge now that I have done so, very sufficiently.

Damn, this wasn’t a quick note at all.

Keepin’ Cool,
D.F.

/edit CRAP! We’re not in December are we? Okay, so it’s been SIX months since my hits have been in the 100’s, and FIVE months since I started blogging frequently. Oh this is embarrassing.

Waking The Past

Yesterday and today, 3 people who I haven’t spoken to in a while suddenly struck up conversation again. They ranged from a guy who I was friends with in Thailand, 10 years ago, who now lives in Canada, to someone I saw back in July.

Talking to all three of them, it actually surprised me how much they’ve changed. The 2nd person, girl from my old school, now have dreams and things that she wants to do, and when she was telling me this, I realized that I could actually give proper advice and voice mature opinions (she’d said herself that I’ve matured from the little silly “Homer” (in joke) that I was before). The Canadian guy is really easy to get along with, which was surprising because when I was younger he was a bit of an outcast. I don’t think he really remembers much about those days but now, he’s a pretty cool guy who made the effort to contact me and talk to me again. Finally, the guy from back in July and I talked a lot about personal issues, and he really made me realize that not all guys are pricks (he said so himself, and now I believe him) and I was wrong about the way I’d viewed him. I used to think he was strange, but now maybe that strange is not so bad.

All three of them said that I have opinions and views that are really different from the way the people they usually hang out with think. So that proves I’m strange as well. Strangeness is good.

So now I think that I should maybe revisit some past ghosts, reopen some cold cases, so to speak. Even if I may have ended things on a bad note with them, or have grown distant and cold, it might still be worth it.

I’m really proud that I have such a stable view of myself, and I am sure about what my personality is. I am proud to be able to tell people about my friends, and I am very proud when they tell me that I’ve matured. At least I’m not brainless.

De Fluffe, Out.

Emotionally Retarded

I found a file lodged in my cyber folder today, and it was a sort of apology letter to someone from Brentwood that I wrote when I was in Yr 8.

I was so incredibly emotionally retarded.

Here is the apology letter, more or less (the only changes I made are censoring of names):

Hey R-.
Ok, the reason I’m writing this on Notepad is coz i’m not on the Net.
Now, firstly, i wanna say, don’t close this file coz it’s plenty important.
Ok, second thing is hopefully this IS rachael reading this and not M-or H- or somebody. if it is please call r- to the computer.
Finally, i’ll say that this is an apology note.

Ok, now, my internet is v slow so that’s why i’m writing it on notepad first.

Firstly, i wanna say sorry bout calling you a sissy or prissy on Monday. I mean, that IS why you’re mad, right? OK, i’m really sorry about that, seriously, and please stop ignoring me coz it makes me feel bad and i don’t like to feel bad. (how selfish of me)

Next, i’m sorry about the j-/g-/footy team thing, because you’re right; it is mean. and i sure as hell wouldn’t want you or anybody to say that to me, and you don’t deserve it either. heck, you deserve it less than me coz you’re so nice to me. Hmm, did that sound a little bit soppy?

Anyways, lastly i wanna say sorry for being such a crappy friend. I am. I am always mean to you and i never treat you like I want to be treated, and yet you still treat me nicely. That’s not fair for you. And see, i’m such a crappy friend that i’m making you read this sorry note like this. In fact, i’m surprised you still consider me as a friend, I am truly lucky, too lucky.

Ok, that was it. Oh and i’m sorry for any mean things i will do in the future, because i probably won’t realize it until it’s too late. By that i mean i’ll have left the school.

And please don’t mention this at school coz you know me, i ain’t an emotional person and this is plenty emotional. Just reply thru email, yeah? yeah? good.

oH one last thing: i swear to god i’ll never bag you ever again. Or at least i’ll rilly try, ok?

Sincerely (i know that pisses you off)
Ruyi.

PS: we still friends?

pps: by the time you read this, maybe it’s already next week (today’s wednesday), so yeah….maybe we’re friends again by then, but chances are no.

ppps: this file is called school thing coz i don want my oldies to read this. so yeah…lol.

Apart from the clear indication of half-assed-ness in just about every second word, I read that and I wonder, how the hell did I possibly expect R- to forgive me? Yet I know she did.

So there it is, I was a complete emotional retard a few years back. I don’t know why – or maybe I subconsciously do – but certain things that happened during my 2 years at Brentwood I try to cover up. I know it’s foul of me to do, there are incredible people and friends that I met and made during those 2 years, but when I look back all I can remember are the moments where I have to cringe, eg that letter, and when I wanted to hit myself.

De Fluffe, Out.