I tried to be perfect, it just wasn’t worth it

[Pieces – Sum 41]

Day 13: Write about what you believe in, be it God, yourself, etc.

When I was in primary school, my parents told me to attend R.E. lessons for to learn about other religions.

We have a portrait of the Buddha in our living room, and sometimes, as a sort of joke, my parents would put the money they’ll buy a lotto ticket with in front of it, and ask it to bless us with luck.

When we were in Thailand, right before we left for Australia, we went to the small temple in Bangkok which a few years ago got burnt down, and there is a picture of my mother and me praying in front of it, so it would bless us with good fortune and health in the new country.

In Yr 12, I went to a friend’s baptism (which I wrote about in here but I can’t be bothered finding the link to. It was in April 2009 some time), and I mouthed along to unknown hymns and listened to all the testimonies. I watched them overflow in emotions as they took the next step to get closer to their God.

Many of my friends are either Christian or Catholic, and while I skirt around it, sometimes I find myself toeing the agreed upon veil of avoidance, and questioning their faith.

And that is the extent of my ties with religion.

That is not to say I am an atheist. Call me a coward if that’s show you see it, but I don’t think that there is one particular deity – one particular man-made deity, existing only through the documentation of man-made words – nor do I think there is none. Sometimes when I am in moments of great stress or dread, I find myself wishing – praying, dare I say – that I find some inspiration to help me out of the moment. I don’t know who I am wishing towards –  a star? The light dancing around me, caught by flecks of dead skin? Yes, how poetic – but I do it anyway, and sometimes I am stunned to find that I am suddenly in possession of patience I didn’t know I could have, or an epiphany that seemed like the obvious choice.

So, ‘belief’. What do I believe in? I believe that you have to make your own luck – it sounds cliche, but it’s a cliche with a reason. You can be given epiphanies through forces you cannot begin to fathom, but what are epiphanies but electrons firing brighter in your brain if you don’t act upon it? I can feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I have, realize that if I take 1 hour out of my day to just read I will have it under control, but if I don’t take that 1 hour out, I’d still be stressing.

I suppose I can create a metaphor. I can say that the Me is the vessel through which events happen, and quite a lot of the time that vessel is perilously close to sinking via its own accord – it thinks it should go left, then right, and then tips over unbalanced – but with a bit of guidance from the winds (that’s my unknown power in this metaphor), and as long as the vessel doesn’t fight the winds, it will be steered back onto course.

I can smell the pollen outside, but there are a few more posts I need to get through.

Alex.

Advertisements

A Little Righteous And Too Proud

[Lost Without You – Delta Goodrem]

My song title choices are starting to crumble my image isn’t it? So I had quite an interesting dream last night, having finally fallen asleep after tossing and turning – I’m pretty sure my blankets should be changed to summer ones, because it’s too warm.

Speaking of which, ahoy summer!

I maintain that one day my dreams will be the root of a killer idea for a successful TV show/movie/book, but for now I’ll be the sole audience, and try to pass it on in my blogs.

I was rather amused by my dream, which was special in itself because it was actually one long run-on dream, albeit with different sections. I tried Googling dream interpretations but all I got was that the dreams I have where my teeth fall out (not even from last night) means I am insecure about my social image, or, as the Chinese would have me believe, that I’m lying and my mind is uncomfortable about that.

Well I already knew that.

So I’m going to make up my own interpretations. I’ve recently been reminded that this blog is public, so there will be a few embarrassing personal aspects of my dream I won’t include, but on the most part I can share the gist of it.

True to my sci-fi riddled mind, and with more than just a little help from watching Heroes for the past few days, the dream had me enroll in some sort of academy/training center that will nurture our special abilities and make us into these killing machines – so, Heroes meet Nikita.

The building that train takes place in is multi-leveled, and massive, and rather well furnished.

A while after training/learning started, we had a sort of royalty visit the grounds. They were very important, and knew everything going on and all the plans that the academy had for us, and it was implied that trainees had to stay out of the way and turn a deaf ear to anything we might overhear.

So, there I was, on the landing of the stairs leading the sleeping quarters to the dining area, and I overhear some conspiracy plot the Royal said to a bodyguard or follower, and I don’t remember the details – or rather, I didn’t dream the details – and I tried to keep myself quiet, but as the Royal was leaving she (it was a she, like the M character in James Bond) turned around and looked towards me, seeing me.

Anyway, that was really the smallest scene from a pretty long dream (I knew my blankets were getting too warm because everyone was stripping in my dream, but hey that could be from another meaning too…moving on). I don’t call myself close to being an expert in interpreting symbolic factors of a dream, but I might give it a shot.

Some dream symbols are really obvious: like when I dreamed I got a low 80 for my ENTER – I wonder what that could POSSIBLY be telling me about myself. Some dreams are much more cryptic: like this one.

The fact that I dreamed myself with superpowers in the first place, apart from reflecting what I’ve been watching, is also reflecting that I am feeling helpless and powerless in aspects of my life, and in my desires I am compensating for it with superhuman powers. I am trying to validate my footprint in my own life by having control over those around me, and the way I do it is through having superpowers .

I enrolled in an academy to train myself, not because I feel that even having powers I am not in control, and need to learn control, but because the academy is full of people who also have powers, so they are in positions to acknowledge my abilities without fearing me. This probably comes from my need to be acknowledged for what I can do, and to find peers who support and better me – which makes it sound like I don’t see my friends as supportive, but I think it’s more to do with my abilities in life than me.

The building is, as I said, multi-leveled and well furnished. It’s like a maze in my dreams, but I knew my way around, and everything was well lit. It could be seen that the building represents how I organize different parts of my life in my mind – personal areas like the sleeping quarters, and my public image in the dining areas. There were other areas, like a huge foyer, and, for some reason, a leisure/shopping area. So it shouldn’t be a far cry to see that the building is the foundations of my known life – things that I feel comfortable projecting about myself: the initial impression (a well lit foyer, warm and welcoming, even if I do say so myself) and the social image that I have created, which is a comprehensive shopping center with little stores for different purposes, or rather different ways of dealing with different social groups.

And then comes M, the Royal. The Royal is a character of power, of money, a character that is protected, and to be feared for the sole reason that they have power over me. The Royal suddenly comes into the building, or my life, and has access to each aspect of the building, because it’s all her property. At the same time, I (or, in this case, the “I” would be my consciousness) am kept at a distance, being ordered to worship and respect the Royal when she is in my building/life. The superpowers I gave to myself through my desires, the self-empowering, means nothing against the Royal, who holds more power simply on principle.

Then comes the fact that I catch the Royal having negative plans for the academy – ie the foundation of power I feel I have – which would have negative impact on the building – ie aspects of my life.  I am aware of this threat against the academy, but I feel safe because I’m hidden from view (I’m standing on the landing of my sleeping quarters, which would be my private life). This safety is dispersed the moment the Royal, standing in the dining area (ie my public life), turns around and sees me standing there. I am caught in the headlights, and the safety of privacy is completely destroyed – the Royal has access to my private life as well as my public life.

The question is, who is this Royal?

Anyway, there were other parts of the dream which probably alludes to different problems in life that I’m tackling, all with the running theme of a superpower academy (and I mean that in a scenery sense. I don’t think the academy has the same meaning in my other dreams as in my described dream). I won’t discuss them because this post is starting to become a bit too long, and also because they’re sort of odd and embarrassing – I already mentioned that people started to strip. So.

Alex.

The Thunder Of Guns Tore Me Apart

…You’ve been…THUNDERSTRUCK!

Last night (or very early this morning) was the best way to greet us into Halloween 2009.

Just before midnight, (well it would be much earlier but I only noticed it as I was getting ready for bed) a ferocious rain started pelting outside my windows, so hard that my mom was worried some windows would be shattered. I replaced my toothbrush in the glass, and a momentary flash of cold blue cut itself into the warm glow of my bathroom. I looked up in time to hear a deep rumble announce itself outside the window. I quickly washed my face, excited about what must be going on outside, and ran up the stairs to my bedroom. I drew open my curtains, and turned off the lights. I was suddenly grateful that my bedroom had a view over most of Wheelers Hill and Mulgrave.

Another split second of brilliant cobalt revealed the sky to be filled with storm clouds. The rain was violently lashing itself against my windows, angry that its natural ferocity would be thwarted by a pane of human glass. The thunder became more volatile, ripping itself from the sky instead of allowing itself to rumble quietly. I picked up my mobile phone and texted Carmaine, Catherine, Eunice, Jade, anyone who I thought would be watching the show. I was half right, only Catherine and Eunice were enjoying the spectacle Mother Nature had given. I looked at the time, 12:02. Happy Halloween, She was saying. And don’t forget who’s boss.

I was on the phone with Catherine for a couple of minutes, just silence, static and the occasional “WOW!” emitted from me when an especially glorious fork slashed through the clouds. Then I was on the phone with Eunice who lives closer to me, and there was one time when two flashes came very close to each other, and at the same time both of us yelled in excitement. Eunice was annoyed that she hasn’t yet seen an actual lightning strike, just flashes, but after I hung up on her she texted me to say that she has, and it had made her day just a little bit more complete.

I sat there for almost another hour, willing Mother Nature to please, one more big one, just give me one more big lightning strike and I’m happy. The rain had ceased, respectful of the attention that Mother Nature required for her show, and somewhere in the distance a wail of siren sounded before quietening again.

People say that when there’s a thunderstorm, it’s the skies being angry. But it didn’t feel like anger last night, just a reminder of the awesome power that nature holds.

It felt peaceful.

(Probably not for whomever the siren was aimed towards.)

Alex.

Dexter

Why do I like Dexter so much?

Is it the gore and the corpses, and such?

No. “Saw” provides even more of that, and apart from the 2nd movie I don’t really like them as much as I do Dexter. Or, to be more precise, I connect much better with Dexter.

Why?

I guess the idea of someone who gets rid of the bad people in life, the people who, dare I say, deserves it. Of having to hide it from the people around them not in fear of what they might think of him, but because he knows they won’t understand. Of not having any emotions attached (well, it changes in the later episodes but I’m talking about the initial ones). Of just being that powerful and being that able, but not craving the power.

I remember saying to someone, I like it because I can relate to that. The only difference between Dexter and me, and perhaps the most important and what separates me from being a serial killer (har) is that I do have people I care about. So, you’d think, wouldn’t that mean I’d have more motivation to protect them? Yes, but also those people have a different set of morals to me. If they find out that I kill people, even if they are bad people, then they will distance themselves from me. And the thing is, I can’t have that.

But, if I ever do have to kill someone to save their life…

De Fluffe, Out.

“The voices are back…good.”