All I ever needed was to eat popcorn with you

[Everything Sucks (When You’re Gone) – MxPx]

And so today marks the 4th month of which I have been dating the truly lovely Amelia. For an awful moment this morning we forgot what  we did to celebrate our 2 months, but a quick flick through my blog – ah trusty friend – reminded us that I nearly died eating at Crazy Wing at Glenny.

But, alas, today we decided to go to Doncaster Westfield Shopping Center. Now, before I write any more, I should note that Mela doesn’t really like going to places she’s not been before for long periods of time, but due to either mis-communication or grievous fault on my behalf, I didn’t know this, so I planned for us to take a 40 minute bus ride to Shoppo, a place I kind of know, and a place she’s never been to. It was a cold day, and she was feeling slightly sick, but determined to make the best of today.

She read stuff on my phone on the bus ride there while I cradled her head, and then when we got there, we immediately headed to eat, being so hungry. We went to the foodcourt, known as The Drum, and she wasn’t feeling hungry so she only got a small salad (which turned out to be massive anyway) while I decided to pig out at Spudbar…which turned out to be a bowl of potatoes at the bottom…and then heaped with loads of Bolognese sauce, sour cream, japalenos, chilli flakes, cos lettuce and something else I forgot. But when I mixed it, it became a bowl of not that appetizing looking goo…that tasted amazing. Albeit I got bad breath. Originally decided to give the tummy a rest and be able to get the $2 Double Cheeseburgers but Mela felt sick, so we just went window shopping instead. Spent a good few hours doing that, until she felt so sick we had to sit down and rest.

Had coffee/mocha at a chocolate lounge, where the girl serving us complimented me on my hair (yey). Stayed there for a bit just chatting about how sweet the chocolate was, though it was great chocolate, then we walked around a bit more. We ended up walking around for hours because we wanted to eat at the sushi train at the food court which opened at 6pm, so we wandered around until my feet got really sore, and she got upset because, like I mentioned before, strange place with nothing to do. We sat in front of the TV display at Myer for a bit watching this HD 3D TV. At 6, the sushi train slowly opened, but it wasn’t really producing anything. We ate 2 plates, and realized they were 5 bucks each for altogether 4 pieces of food. Paid for it (got weird looks from the waiters) and decided to bus back to Glen to eat at a familiar place – Mela was getting really sadface and that made me sadface too, it’s an anniversary after all.

We ended up eating at Star East Cafe, sharing a plate and an entree. She started feeling better halfway through the bus ride back after loads of cuddling, and finally told me what she thought I already knew. We then went to the library where she picked out a picture book for me to read to her to cheer her up, and I put on funny voices until a librarian walked past us.

But yes, 4 months! 5 months will come and go before we realize it, it being around Valentines and…her hating Valentines Day. Then Uni will start, testing us on our bond and ability to not be around each other all the time, seeing as she goes to a different uni, us having different amount of contact hours, and her starting a new course as a 1st year and me in my final. But I have confidence we will hit 1/2 year no worries!

And I like that there are still things to learn about her, like that she hates new places…

Happy 4 months darling!

Alex.

We Started At Zero

In the past month or so, more than 4 youths in America killed themselves because they were bullied at school for being gay.

This is Ellen Degeneres’ message regarding the matter. I’ll let you watch this first.

When I heard that the youngest of the boys were 13, I felt that stabbing pain of heartbreak – 13!

The oldest of the boys were younger than me.

When I read the news article, I actually sat there, shocked, for a few solid minutes. I could only stare at the faces of the boys, smiling back at me. I tried looking for any sadness in their eyes, and shadow in the curve of their smiles, and I couldn’t see any. These boys who, when the shutter clicked, had so much happiness, had been pushed to end their own lives to escape from the teasing. And for what? For being exactly who they are, and liking people that they naturally are attracted to.

When I was 13, I was in my first year of high school. My worst problem was that my closest friends in primary school all went to different high schools from me – I had to make new friends. And I did make new friends.

The THOUGHT of killing myself – or even HURTING myself – because I’m upset, didn’t even occur to me at that age.

Being different to other people is hard, but sometimes it’s easy to change it, even if it makes you a bit upset. The skill of fitting in is crucial in the early years of teenage-hood, I won’t even sugar coat it, I did it, you did it, I know that everyone did it at times. Maybe you’ll even realize that changing yourself a little to fit in actually pushed you onto a path you feel better with – or led you to that path, whatever. I know that I really wanted to make friends with Dani, so when she recommended music, I listened to them (oh, Dani, don’t see any less of me). It was a good thing that I did that, because I ended up loving the music in my own right.

However, there are things you just can’t change. You can try to deny it, but there is no way you can change it. Things like being attracted to people who are the same sex.

So, there you are, being very different to people around you, and you can’t change it. You’re not at the age where saying “fuck it, I am who I am” does anything. At these times, having at least someone on your side is crucial. The sad part is, and I know what this feels like, with things like being gay or bi, you actually feel like there is no one who would really be on your side. Even your closest friend might turn their back on you in your imagination of how events might go.

Even if you are brave enough to tell someone, then it becomes that THING where it needs to be kept secret, because you just KNOW there is gonna be an asshat out there who would make your life a living hell if they found out.

For these boys, the asshats found out.

I’m pretty sure this is the first time I made a direct reference to it here, but yeah, I am bi. I know quite a few of you will probably already know this, or guessed it by implication, but this time it’s written down here. (By the way, if you know me or my parents personally, can you please not tell them? Both of them are rather homophobic and I really am not ready to tell them yet. Don’t be that asshat and screw my life up.)

I am incredibly lucky. From the first person that I had the courage to tell, and all the subsequent people after that, all of them have been fine with it. I wouldn’t say that they’ve all embraced it with open arms, but I haven’t lost any friends over it. I won’t kid myself – there are very likely people who have sad bad things about me behind my back, and I’ve had a few say un-nice things to my face, but I have enough love from all my friends to help me pass that. And that’s why I say I am incredibly lucky. I would be count myself blessed if my parents could accept it too, but I’m not looking for miracles ha.

I honestly feel the utmost sympathy for anyone who is suffering because they don’t feel that luck and love that they need. I would be willing to talk to anyone who needs a pair of ears to receive their problems. But I wish I didn’t have to say that – I wish that kids don’t need a complete stranger’s support to be okay everyday, that if they need someone to help them, they can do what I get to do, and call up a friend to unload onto them.

It’s just plain wrong that these boys felt like they didn’t have a single one of these friends to talk to.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with them, so why were they made to feel like they had to end their lives?

May their souls rest in peace in, if they so believed, heaven. Yes, because even if I am not religious, I don’t think that an all-loving God would bar a 13 year old boy from having eternal peace.

If you’re feeling upset about something, please tell someone. People have a habit of surprising you in the amount they can care.

Alex.