I could die lying in her arms

[Little Joanna – McFly]

Day 02: How you introduce yourself to new people.

While I like to say that I try to move as much fakeness as possible, I think, if anything, I put on an extra show of not putting on fakeness.

For most of the people who met me in person, I think it’s safe to say that they all thought I was outgoing if not slightly loud, and that I have an easy-to-like personality. Oh look at me piling modesty upon my good looks. And I think, at the core of things, that’s the kind of person I am – I like making other people feel comfortable but not bored, and make them smile.

But that’s also me putting on a show of being easy-to-like. I am making a conscious effort to be pleasant and make jokes and smile more. There are times when I either am not in the mood, or simply don’t feel the necessity to make nice – most of the time when I do this I’m with someone else, or it’s one of those momentary meetings that doesn’t require me to ever see them again. So I don’t actually talk or even make much eye contact. I have a friend who noted that there are times when I seem to have a “fuck off” sign plastered all over my face.

It’s not a matter of if I think you’re worth the effort, it’s really just what I interpreted social protocol to be.

Alex.

A Little Righteous And Too Proud

[Lost Without You – Delta Goodrem]

My song title choices are starting to crumble my image isn’t it? So I had quite an interesting dream last night, having finally fallen asleep after tossing and turning – I’m pretty sure my blankets should be changed to summer ones, because it’s too warm.

Speaking of which, ahoy summer!

I maintain that one day my dreams will be the root of a killer idea for a successful TV show/movie/book, but for now I’ll be the sole audience, and try to pass it on in my blogs.

I was rather amused by my dream, which was special in itself because it was actually one long run-on dream, albeit with different sections. I tried Googling dream interpretations but all I got was that the dreams I have where my teeth fall out (not even from last night) means I am insecure about my social image, or, as the Chinese would have me believe, that I’m lying and my mind is uncomfortable about that.

Well I already knew that.

So I’m going to make up my own interpretations. I’ve recently been reminded that this blog is public, so there will be a few embarrassing personal aspects of my dream I won’t include, but on the most part I can share the gist of it.

True to my sci-fi riddled mind, and with more than just a little help from watching Heroes for the past few days, the dream had me enroll in some sort of academy/training center that will nurture our special abilities and make us into these killing machines – so, Heroes meet Nikita.

The building that train takes place in is multi-leveled, and massive, and rather well furnished.

A while after training/learning started, we had a sort of royalty visit the grounds. They were very important, and knew everything going on and all the plans that the academy had for us, and it was implied that trainees had to stay out of the way and turn a deaf ear to anything we might overhear.

So, there I was, on the landing of the stairs leading the sleeping quarters to the dining area, and I overhear some conspiracy plot the Royal said to a bodyguard or follower, and I don’t remember the details – or rather, I didn’t dream the details – and I tried to keep myself quiet, but as the Royal was leaving she (it was a she, like the M character in James Bond) turned around and looked towards me, seeing me.

Anyway, that was really the smallest scene from a pretty long dream (I knew my blankets were getting too warm because everyone was stripping in my dream, but hey that could be from another meaning too…moving on). I don’t call myself close to being an expert in interpreting symbolic factors of a dream, but I might give it a shot.

Some dream symbols are really obvious: like when I dreamed I got a low 80 for my ENTER – I wonder what that could POSSIBLY be telling me about myself. Some dreams are much more cryptic: like this one.

The fact that I dreamed myself with superpowers in the first place, apart from reflecting what I’ve been watching, is also reflecting that I am feeling helpless and powerless in aspects of my life, and in my desires I am compensating for it with superhuman powers. I am trying to validate my footprint in my own life by having control over those around me, and the way I do it is through having superpowers .

I enrolled in an academy to train myself, not because I feel that even having powers I am not in control, and need to learn control, but because the academy is full of people who also have powers, so they are in positions to acknowledge my abilities without fearing me. This probably comes from my need to be acknowledged for what I can do, and to find peers who support and better me – which makes it sound like I don’t see my friends as supportive, but I think it’s more to do with my abilities in life than me.

The building is, as I said, multi-leveled and well furnished. It’s like a maze in my dreams, but I knew my way around, and everything was well lit. It could be seen that the building represents how I organize different parts of my life in my mind – personal areas like the sleeping quarters, and my public image in the dining areas. There were other areas, like a huge foyer, and, for some reason, a leisure/shopping area. So it shouldn’t be a far cry to see that the building is the foundations of my known life – things that I feel comfortable projecting about myself: the initial impression (a well lit foyer, warm and welcoming, even if I do say so myself) and the social image that I have created, which is a comprehensive shopping center with little stores for different purposes, or rather different ways of dealing with different social groups.

And then comes M, the Royal. The Royal is a character of power, of money, a character that is protected, and to be feared for the sole reason that they have power over me. The Royal suddenly comes into the building, or my life, and has access to each aspect of the building, because it’s all her property. At the same time, I (or, in this case, the “I” would be my consciousness) am kept at a distance, being ordered to worship and respect the Royal when she is in my building/life. The superpowers I gave to myself through my desires, the self-empowering, means nothing against the Royal, who holds more power simply on principle.

Then comes the fact that I catch the Royal having negative plans for the academy – ie the foundation of power I feel I have – which would have negative impact on the building – ie aspects of my life.  I am aware of this threat against the academy, but I feel safe because I’m hidden from view (I’m standing on the landing of my sleeping quarters, which would be my private life). This safety is dispersed the moment the Royal, standing in the dining area (ie my public life), turns around and sees me standing there. I am caught in the headlights, and the safety of privacy is completely destroyed – the Royal has access to my private life as well as my public life.

The question is, who is this Royal?

Anyway, there were other parts of the dream which probably alludes to different problems in life that I’m tackling, all with the running theme of a superpower academy (and I mean that in a scenery sense. I don’t think the academy has the same meaning in my other dreams as in my described dream). I won’t discuss them because this post is starting to become a bit too long, and also because they’re sort of odd and embarrassing – I already mentioned that people started to strip. So.

Alex.

I Don’t Believe That Anybody Feels The Way I Do

[Wonderwall – Oasis]

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection,

Fuck you so sexy, if ya just be looking at thems bwois they be melting at their knees and begging to treat ya right.

Or some shit like that, right?

They tell us to love ourselves because we’re all beautiful, no matter how big our breasts, how perky our butts, how thin our legs, how high our cheekbones are (this is just, you know, for the girls. I mean, hell, guys might want perky bums as well I don’t know) but how many people REALLY see themselves in the mirror and go “fuck yeah that’s what I’m talking about”? Because I bet each and every one of them think, “Oh, I wish my skin was smoother” or something small, or big.

The difference is if they let that bother them. It’s not exactly “love the skin you’re in”, but rather “be predominantly not so bothered by the shortcomings of the skin you’re in”. And if you have something which you bloody think is brilliant, I say go fucking flaunt it. This period of time might be the only time in your life that that part is the best part, so go flaunt it – I say this without condoning wearing barely anything to show off your long legs. I mean…leave something to the imagination, please.

Okay, that’s the purely physical side of what I think about reflections.

The strange thing is, do you ever feel like you’re old? Because you see yourself everyday, and I just wonder how the hell do people actually think I look old enough to go into a bar (yes I know I get carded, but for argument’s sake we’ll say I don’t) because to me, I still am this little girl back in Gr 4. When I was about to leave primary school, everyone was saying how it was so strange that they were the oldest in the school, and that the preps saw them how they used to see the other old kids.

But hell, if the bouncers reckon I can get in, I’m not arguing.

It’s not like the face in the reflection still holds the same amount of wisdom behind it as it did in Gr 4. So I suppose in all senses that a hurrah for me.

Anyway, this is my last letter from my 30 days of letters. I think I should thank Bianca for telling me that it’s awesome, and I should thank everyone who’d read this. It wasn’t as repetitive as I thought it would be, even though I wrote pretty much all to girls than guys. I don’t know if I’ve made some self-discovery in these letters, but I suppose it cleared things up to write them.

So, for the last time in this series, but not for the last time in the blogs,

Alex.

If Anyone Could Make Me A Better Person You Could

[Must’ve Done Something Right – Relient K]

I’d wanted to use that song some other time but it came up and it was fitting.

37 Things You Should Never Apologize For, And Why

1. Never apologize for acting on your instincts. Listening to your body – then taking action on what you hear – is the hallmark of heroic people.

2. Never apologize for all the tears you’ve cried. Crying cleanses the soul. Shoot for once a month. Even if it’s just a brief mist at a tender moment in a sad movie.

3. Never apologize for anything in your portfolio. If you feel the need to do so, it probably doesn’t belong in your portfolio in the first place.

4. Never apologize for asking for what you need. The answer to every question you DON’T ask is always no.

5. Never apologize for asking questions. When you stop asking questions, you don’t just run out of answers – you run out of hope.

6. Never apologize for asserting yourself. The word “assert” comes from the Latin asserere, which means, “to claim, maintain or affirm.” And that’s exactly what you’re entitled to: Your opinion. Your belief. Your say. Let nobody take it away from you.

7. Never apologize for being a health nut. Next time someone says, “What are you, on a diet or something?” look them straight in the eye and say, “Yeah – you got a problem with that?” Then, when they back down, you go right back to eating your tofu.

8. Never apologize for being a newbie. Everyone great chess master was once a beginner.

9. Never apologize for being early for an appointment. In the history of Corporate America, no employee has ever been fired for consistently arriving ten minutes early to every meeting.

10. Never apologize for being funny. The world is too damn serious. We need you. Seriously.

11. Never apologize for being human. Once you do, you’re no longer human – you’re a cyborg.

12. Never apologize for being passionate. Unless you’re passionate about stabbing strangers with broken Coke bottles.

13. Never apologize for being smart. That’s the ONE thing the government, the media (and every other entity that’s trying to control you) is terrified of: Smart people who take action. Be one of those people.

14. Never apologize for being the age that you are. It’s just a number. “A chicken ain’t nothing but a bird,” as my Grandpa likes to say.

15. Never apologize for breaking a rule that isn’t really a rule. Be proud of yourself for being a rule breaker. Then go break another one.

16. Never apologize for calling bullshit on someone. Especially when nobody else is the room is going to do it and this person REALLY needs to be taken to task.

17. Never apologize for demanding respect. If you’ve demonstrated that you deserve respect by giving it to others first, you’re good to go.

18. Never apologize for disagreeing. Especially if you do so respectfully. On the other hand, if you’re disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing, or because of your pathological need to be right, that’s a different story.

19. Never apologize for expressing yourself. That’s all “leadership” is: The full, free expression of your truth. Don’t say you’re sorry for that.

20. Never apologize for falling in love. Your heart’s calling the shots.

21. Never apologize for falling OUT of love. Your heart’s still calling the shots – even when you throw up an air ball.

22. Never apologize for getting something off your chest. That which you suppress will find a home in your body. And then it will trash the place.

23. Never apologize for giving it your best shot. As my Grandpa also reminds me, “You do the best you can with as many as you can.”

24. Never apologize for growing up privileged. As long as you scrap the entitlement attitude, remain grateful for everything you’ve ever been given and respect the life situation of those who are less fortunate, it’s all good.

25. Never apologize for having an overabundance of love in your life. Instead, circulate what you’ve got. Pay it forward. Share it. People need it. Especially St. Louis Rams fans. God we suck.

26. Never apologize for lack of experience. Instead, share your Learning Plan; demonstrate your dedication to lifelong learning and practice becoming the world’s expert at learning from your experiences.

27. Never apologize for lack of information. Ignorance is acceptable. Staying ignorant, however, is stupid.

28. Never apologize for liking stupid movies. Movie snobs annoy me. Some of my favorite movies are among the most ridiculous films ever made. So I love Road House. Sue me.

29. Never apologize for living your truth. Few things in the world are more important.

30. Never apologize for looking out for yourself. Self-preservation is a primary driver of human behavior. It’s how we’re wired.

31. Never apologize for loving yourself. If you do, you probably don’t love yourself as much as you thought.

32. Never apologize for making a decision from the heart. Remember: It’s not thee truth – it’s YOUR truth.

33. Never apologize for needing alone time. Solitude is soil. Solitude is medicine. And if you don’t get your fix every day, your life will suffer.

34. Never apologize for needing to use the bathroom. Yesterday a girl in my yoga class walked out of the room and actually said to the teacher, “I have to pee, I’m SO sorry.” Unbelievable.

35. Never apologize for not being there when someone called. You have a life, too. People can’t expect you to wait eagerly by the phone all hours of the day.

36. Never apologize for not embracing someone else’s agenda. Especially if that agenda robs you of your true talent.

37. Never apologize for occasional absentmindedness. Everyone’s brain farts.

My personal favorite was Number 7, because  I thought of April immediately.

Also, Sneaks, I’m not saying you apologize too much but look, look be assertive!

Alex

I was bored and trying to distract myself; it didn’t work

What are you listening to right now?
No Such Thing – John Mayer

Have you ever eaten sushi?
Well, according to a certain someone, I’m Asian therefore I must’ve have eaten sushi.
Yes I have.

What is bothering you?
A text I got at 2 am this morning.

Do you have somebody you can tell anything to?
I used to. I don’t know if I still do. Maybe.

Expecting something to change in the next month?
For my own sake I hope so.

What was the highlight of your day?
Today? Nothing. Yesterday? Ninja.

Do you need to say anything to someone?
Yes. They won’t listen.

Did you have a good day yesterday?
Yes.

Do you like messages or comments better?
What do you mean? Do you mean when someone comments a wall post instead of sending one themselves? I don’t really care.

The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it?
Snoopy fans, yes.

Do you own a camera phone?
No. Wait yes. I don’t know. I don’t use the camera function.

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired?
Yes.

Do you like the town you are living in?
It’s not done anything bad to me yet.

Have you ever thrown a cell phone in anger?
Yes. At the bed. I can’t afford to break it.

How many months until your birthday?
Had mine in the July just passed.

How are you feeling right now?
I’m doing this instead of Chinese. And study. You tell me.

Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
Can’t. Have to do more Chinese that I will put off tonight.

Are you jealous of someone right now?
Yes.

Is it cute when girls kiss you on your cheek?
Lol yes?

Do you like to cuddle?
Sure.

When is your birthday?
10th July.

Is this year the best year of your life?
No.

Is there someone who meant a lot to you at one point, and isn’t around now?
Yes.

Would you rather dye your hair or go tanning?
Dye.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
11. It’s not staying up.

Is it easy to annoy you?
Depends.

Is your bed comfortable?
Yes.

Is your sister a slut?
The imaginary one? No, she’s a very good role model.

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do?
Yes, of course.

What/who woke you up this morning?
Dad.

Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning?
Night.

Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you?
Probably mom when she went to grab something for me. No one really goes into my bedroom save myself.

Who is the last person you took a picture with?
Dani.

Whats one thing you’re tired of?
All this shit that seems to just seek me out.

Who means the most to you in your life right now, other than family?
I don’t know anymore.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
Yes.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
Yes.

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
Make a wish. Or call Catherine and tell her to make a wish just to annoy her.

Who was the last person that hit you?
Carmaine.

Is there a song that every time you hear it, you think of someone?
Yes.

Can you commit to one person?
Yes.

Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
No.

Has anyone ever said something that brought tears to your eyes?
To me or on TV? Yes, and yes.

Who is the last person you ate with?
Carmaine, Dani etc yesterday at lunch.

Do you miss anyone?
Yes.

Think back to the last person you hugged; do they mean anything to you?
Amie? Of course, she’s bloody brilliant.

Does anyone have STRONG feelings for you?
I highly doubt it.

Are you in a good mood right now?
Do I sound like I’m in a good mood?

So be honest, do you have a guy?
No.

Do you fall for people easily?
Yes.

What are you supposed to be doing right now?
Chinese, as pre mentioned.

Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
Won’t hurt.

Does anyone know your password besides you?
I think she forgot she knows.

Would you rather sing or dance in front of 100,000 people?
Sing.

Do you currently like someone who doesn’t know you exist?
Oh they know I exist.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
I just said I can commit.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you had?
Coke Zero.

Do you laugh a lot?
Depends on mood.

Do you like to hold hands?
Yes.

What were you doing at 11 this morning?
Knox, Target, trying to find a shirt for Valedictory which I don’t even want to go to anymore.

Where will you be at 8:30 tomorrow morning?
In bed.

Is there someone you want a hug from?
Yes.

I bet you’re thinking of someone?
Of course, the moment I read that I thought of someone, it’s only natural.

When is the last time you talked to your biological father?
Assuming I am not adopted, 2 minutes ago.

What’s more important, trust or happiness?
Today, I’d say trust. Last night I’d’ve said happiness.

What shoes did you wear today?
Etnies.

Are you currently wearing a shirt with long or short sleeves?
Sweater.

Do you regret anything you’ve done this year so far?
Yes. Every year.

What usually wakes you up in the morning?
Phone.

Are you wearing short shorts?
No, I never wear short shorts except in bed.

Ever had a girl best friend?
I’d like to think so.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
Dad, “let me keep sleeping.”

If someone is doing something that pisses you off, do you tell them?
Depends on my mood. Mostly these days yes.

Will this coming up weekend be a good one?
The one I’m in right now? Not looking very good.

Do you have any piercings or tattoos?
Yes.

Are you better at remembering names or faces?
I think I’m equally good at both.

Think a lot before you go to sleep?
Yes.

Which is more romantic: sunrise or sunsets?
Both.

Are you wearing anything on your feet?
Socks and shoes.