A Bit Of Comic Relief…At Someone Else’s Expense

What other kind of comedy is there? I mean, in the end the funniest kind of comedy is always when someone else is suffering right? “Any amount of pain, just below death, is funny,” said Jim Carrey (or Steve Carell. Damn I can’t remember.)

So, on my blogroll sits a link to a site called Overheard Everywhere. For those who might not have caught onto what Overheard Everywhere is about, it’s a site where people contribute quotes or conversations they overhear, all over the world. As Vania had once done (dude, I really need to stop leeching off you. We all know how much leeches are a bother), I’ll put up some rather funny ones:

(Warning: I don’t have a good sense of inappropriateness. So, unlike Vania, my choices might have a lot of swearing or huge sexual references. Huge. Yeah…)

Girl #1: What’s an orgasm?
Girl #2: It’s like when two people get excited during sex.
Girl #1: So, like, when they go “rawwwrr!”
Girl #2: Uh…yeah. Sure.

—

College guy: This must be a joke. We live in a city called “Cumming,” we have a store called “BJ’s,” and a store called “Dick’s,” and a “Siemens” water tower.

—
Dad to little girl: I’m going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Dad! I don’t want to eat a puppy.
Dad: I’m not going to feed you a puppy, I’m going to feed you to a puppy.
Little girl: Oh, that’s okay, I like puppies.

—

Ten-year-old girl to passing adult man: What’s your name?
Mother, scolding: Do you have to hit on every man you see?

—

Asian chick: I’m going to meet my old boss at that Thai restaurant. You know, the one with the woman that feels me up.
Asian dude: Oh, yeah. Aren’t all Thai women bisexual?

—

Nurse #1 (during break): I hope you don’t mind, I took one of your cigarettes from your purse because I was really craving one.
Nurse #2: it’s no problem. (pause) Wait. Was it my last one?
Nurse #1: Yeah…is that a problem?
Nurse #2 (furious): Are you fucking kidding me?!
Nurse #1: Yeah, yeah, relax! I was just kidding. There’s two more in there.
Nurse #2: Oh my god. Don’t joke about things like that.
Nurse #1 (nervously): Hahaha. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared for my life just now.
Nurse #2 (seriously): And I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t thinking of places to hide your body.

—

Physical education teacher, demonstrating the overhead smash in badminton: So I’m gonna find myself in a bad position and Sean is just gonna unload on me.

—

Elderly woman: I can’t believe they let you sell Obama cookies here! Tsk!
Employee: Ma’am, those are just gingerbread cookies.

—

Whiny three-year-old: Mom! I’m hungry! I’m huuuungryyyyy!
Mother (calmly, without missing a beat): Well, you should probably shut up.

—

Emo boy: Matt! Tell her how you fucked up your face!
Matt: I was rubbing one out in the shower and when I came, my knees gave out and I hit my head on the faucet.
Emo girl (gasping and laughing hysterically): That is best thing I have ever heard!

—

Drunk lesbian to sober girlfriend: Aw, I wanna puke but I can’t!
Sober girlfriend: I would punch you in the stomach if you wanted …that’s how much I love you.
Drunk lesbian: Awww, that’s sweet.

—

Drunk girl looking at digital camera: Sometimes I’m having such a good time I look Chinese.

—

I hope you’ve all had a laugh from that.

On a side note, you might have noticed I’ve changed the theme of my blog. It took me ages to decide on one I liked. I know that having a lot of writing on an inverse background (that is, black background, white writing) is not good and people tend to not read that, but I’ll take my chances. And besides now I have to not write too much, in case people stop reading.

And, since we’re on the topic of changes, I’ve adopted Vania and Julia’s habit of replying a comment within the comment. So if you think that I’m simply not replying you anymore, because you don’t see an increase in comment count, that’s not true; check into your comment.

Keep Cool (and stay looking Chinese)

D.F.

A “HOLY CRAP!” Day

So two major events happened today:

1, VCE results came back and 2, I finally got out of the house again.

I guess technically my day started yesterday at 11:30 pm when I was just finishing brushing my teeth, and Carmaine called my phone, possibly waking up both my parents. I called her back, and she asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow (today).

So I woke up today at 7, and I won’t bore you with complaining about how my parents took my study score for my VET Multimedia (which was 40), and I called Carmaine to wake her up and tell her I was coming. After my parents left, I watched 2 episodes of The Office online and had a shower (forgot to close the bathroom window when I left the house, very stupid mistake that thankfully didn’t allow bad things to happen). Took the bus and at the station saw “Pooki” and “Tee Tee” (I don’t actually call him “Tee Tee” but Pooki does) and then Nat. Carmaine came and we sat in the same carriage but Pooks and Tee sat apart from us. The whole train ride was just reporting and exchanging our knowledge of other people’s scores. To respect their privacy I won’t report it here.

At Melbourne Central Nat and Carmaine took me around shopping and Carmaine got shown some makeup things and then her and Nat both bought matching rings at Diva. Miss D- randomly calls me up to congratulate me and to ask for permission to put my name on the newsletter, and all I can think about is “how did you get my number how did you get my number?”

Said bye to Nat under the Clock, met Dani, and went to Flinders Lane to try to catch a bus to Port Melbourne. Bus…didn’t come. Took a tram. Got rather lost, but was blessed with a pretty awesome stroll down Port Melb beach. Saw D.P. and Hobo at their workplace (HOLY CRAP THEY HAD DR PEPPER!), had lunch (Jalapenos on pizza (sorry can’t find the accent) which D.P. can’t say or eat) and then went down further after their lunch break finished.

We wanted to go to this warehouse sale, where they played awful music and this pregnant chick was smoking outside (Holy crap idiot). Dani and Carmaine shopped around, but didn’t buy anything. The point is, finding the warehouse was shit hard. We got off the bus, stood in front of a map (after finding the map), found “You Are Here” and then Dani proceeded to navigate. It got to the point where I had to laugh and say “three chicks navigating” because Dani was standing in front of the map with her back to it, going “Okay, so North is that way, and that’s a Post Office, and that’s a Youth Centre (Community Centre, actually) and so if we go down there…” and all the while pointing and gesturing (holy crap).

On the way to the warehouse we found an abandoned construction site and at the gate it said “please report to front office before entering” so I shouted into the site “we’re coming in!” Carmaine took some photos at the gate, and then I found a “Is Don, Is Good” sign but Dani wouldn’t take it with her (even though I suggested to change “Don” to “Dani”). We got to the warehouse…got out of the warehouse, made jokes about a large “Breathing Apparatus” that was the firetruck (holy crap that would be some bitch to carry), made jokes about a broken umbrella stuck on the fence (holy crap that was an umbrella?) and took a bus back into the CBD.

On the way back, we passed the Yarra River and Dani said “god the Yarra River is ugly” and without missing a beat I said “No that’s your reflection” (SNAP). I think we scared 2 passengers off the bus.

We got off at Bourke St, and then at that point it was a blurry mess of trams and op shops and Salvos and two hobo guys drunk and singing “I’ve been everywhere man, I been to up yer arse, pigs arse, har har har” and then we went to more factory outlets and op shops at Dani got a top and a faulty skirt and at some point I think PTSD took over and I can’t remember much until we got back to Flinders St at around 5 pm and I was so tired.

On the train home Carmaine snoozed and jerked, a lot. Sorry mate, had to put it in here. It was endearing.

I walked home after taking the bus. I am so bushed right now which is why I’m cutting what would be a long post short.

Oh oh I just remembered this one instance. We were at a shoe shop and Dani said that the clerk is a lesbian. I said “You can’t just assume that.” She took a look at her and said “Come ON!” and I said “Don’t ‘Come on’ me.” And then Dani laughed and said “haha that’s what she said”.

Ah. Ha. Ha. Ha. I had more that’s what she said moments today as well. Like Gingerbread man and how “Carmaine can’t be a gingerbread man because she doesn’t have sugary buttons on her front”.

A-nyway.

So I came home, had a quick dinner, watched HIMYM, then I called Bee for about an hour (god I shudder at the phone bill) then called a couple more people scouting for score infos.

Okay, so even though I said I’d keep it private…

A friend of mine from Chinese school got 50 for her Chinese, RAW. RAW. RAW!

RAW! Do you have any idea how hard that is? If you did Chinese you would. But if you didn’t…it’s FUCKING HARD! It’s HOLY CRAP HARD!

Anyway, that’s it for today. Sorry I got a bit wishy washy at parts and just skimmed over bits. To everyone who I called or who told me their scores: Dudes, congrats! And even if you were one of those “I did shit” or “I am a bit disappointed” ones…if you did your best, that’s it. And if you didn’t, you still have next year to do better, and you’ll be making a harder effort, and if that was your final year: YOU FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL! You finished a whole SAGA of your life! Congratu-fucking-lations man!

I am proud of you, Princess, and of you, Crazy Ninja (HA) and of you, Euny-baby, and of you, D.P. and of EVERYONE! Gawd I…some of the scores BLEW ME AWAY! It’s like flowers suddenly blooming and showing their amazing potential. It’s so awesome to watch it. Next year, next year. /edit, and proud of you too, “Shaken, not stirred”. I can’t believe I left you out sorry honey!

Oh and congrats to my “Savage Garden” buddy (ya know who you are) for her amazing 99.35 ENTER!

De Fluffe, OUT! (And about to fall asleep)

P.S. Just did the categories and tagging. Lol that I clicked nearly every category I have.