Tracing letters along my back

Today Annie and I went to the uni library again to do research for our final essay. We thought it would be straightforward like it was for Asian PR, which we did a week prior.

It wasn’t.

We didn’t realize it when picking the topic, but the ambiguity of our research question drove us to near madness. We shuffled through the pages of our books hoping that something would jump out at us, or the jumble of quotes that we were slowly compiling would fall into some sort of essay structure.

Thank my stars Mela came just in time. She sat with me and calmed me down when I had my – and I never have these – attack of pure hopelessness. And it was a good thing she was there to do so, because otherwise I think I would have taken it out on Annie to the point where we would have had a massive fight.

While I was buried in my book and trying to make sense of the confusing language, Mela was watching a movie – tactfully turned away from me – and tracing abstract shapes and letters on my back. I don’t know if in her past this had worked, but I sure never told her that this was something my grandma used to do to lull me to sleep when I was very young. It calmed me down a lot and made me feel a bit better about my situation.

Sure, if I think about how much time I have left compared to the workload, I get scared again. But I’ve seen my ability to write even the most confusing and unresearched essay in a short period of time before. I’ve done the maths – I know that I just need to pass these essays to pass those classes, and even though that’s not the kind of mark that would make my parents happy, these are difficult and dry classes, and I doubt anyone would be having a good time in them.

I took a long hot shower when I got home. My skin reacted slightly to Mela’s sunscreen, so I let it soak a bit in the warm water. It feels better now, but it’s still a bit flaky.

I am going to go take some more notes before going to bed for a good solid sleep before doing as much as I can tomorrow.

And I love Mela, so very much. Not just because she came into the city today just to sit with Annie and me while we freaked out. Not just because she let me squeeze her hand whenever I felt overwhelmed. Not just because, even though she felt a bit ill, she still agreed to stay out a bit late. Mostly because she did these things willingly even when I didn’t realize the inconvenience it placed onto her, and never voiced my guilt when I did realize. Mostly because she looked into my eyes when I was going to just give up on the essay, and told me that I’ll be fine.

Alex.

Advertisements

Body Like An Hourglass

Last night was the MacRob Yr 12 Formal 2009.

I didn’t go.

What I’m going to write about is what happened BEFORE the formal, seeing as that’s all I attended.

Well, it was expected that no one would really be paying any attention in class, so Period 2 Methods didn’t even happen. There were many many Year 12s in the Common Room that period talking about the formal and hair and makeup and nail polish and strapless bras. I sat there and looked mortified. No one noticed. Phew.

Period 3 and 4 told me that I wasn’t actually on Common Room duty and therefore I played Tetris all through the first period (even beat my own personal score) and most of the second period. Jen and I went off with the bag  we later referred to as “Carmaine’s Baby” and then “The Fat Baby” at the end of Period 4.

We were at the lights outside of school, swinging Carmaine’s Fat Baby when the mother appeared. A rowdy custody battle ensued, with the aftermath being that I had to lug the CFB around the CBD.

Bid adieu to the mother at Flinders, where she was off to make herself look like a woman and we were off to do our own stuff.

Went to Coles where Jen, having lost the custody battle with me, continued arguing with me over which bread was tastier, and which Coles cake was more thoughtful. I’d personally thought the cake with Smarties on it would naturally be more pensive. We decided on that one.

Trammed to Collins/Spencer St, where Bel now resides. No one was home so we snuck in when someone came out. Sat in foyer while Jen touched her hair a lot. An- arrived to take us up. Grabbed 2 Cruiser (sp?) four-packs. I had to carry them seeing as if Jen carries them it’s illegal.

Went up Williams to Radisson, where the rest of BRuCE was going to spend the night. Gave CFB to Eunice, and headed off to Jen’s abode.

Managed to squeeze in a dozen “are we there yet?” in the 20 minute tram ride.

Arrived at Jen’s, and the two of us started on the food. I made a fairy-bread sculpture, it possibly being the most feminine thing I’ve ever done. No one ended up eating it.

Jen cut up some carrots and cucumbers, and then proceeded to hide in the bathroom while she also began to make herself appear more womanly. Taylor Swift played on the radio. I sobbed.

SonJ arrived and in a flurry of “Hi how are you ohmygosh where’s Jen” she blew into the bathroom. I did not see her until 2 hours later.

Started to blow up balloons. Failed at tying them up. Jen’s dad had to teach me twice. Started on a Cruiser. After a few gulps I decided to hell with it and sacrificed considerable blood flow to my fingertips and made 13 balloons. I tasted Latex everytime I swallowed. No, shut up. That is NOT what she said.

People continued to arrive. Ray, for one. Then Luke. The two guys helped me put up streamers.

Sonam and Tiff and Annie and all the rest of them arrived, and Jen’s bedroom became a warzone of hairspray, straighteners and Hollywood tape.

Ray, Luke and I spelt out “Happy B’Day Bel” on the window.

Awful noises started to echo from the warzone. Cries of help and sounds of mascara-ing sent chills down my spine.

Played Heart and Soul on the piano until Jen told me to shut up…for the 10th time. I suppose I should’ve pointed out that I wasn’t talking.

At 5 Bel and Julia arrived. Note I didn’t say Julinda. We had to stall Bel for a bit, but it didn’t work. So when Bel pressed the doorBel, we all ran and hid behind couches. We thought, gosh we’re smart, she’ll never see this coming.

At the door, SonJ said, “Are you ready? 3. 2. 1.”

The element of surprise was thus counted down and disappeared.

Why did I use “Body Like An Hourglass”? Because Julia figure, to paraphrase Eve, “was like an hourglass”. Indeed everyone looked magnificent, and indeed Sonam and Tiff ended up looking similar, as they do all the other times.

Carmaine and Charlie continued to not being there.

The limo arrived. It was long. Well no shit. And Blue. Ah that one’s new. People started running around with a definite hint of headless chicken likeness. Well, I should specify the girls were doing that. The guys sat at the kitchen table in a more or less statue fashion.

I played “Somewhere Only We Know” on the guitar for a bit.

Then came the photos.

Oh the photos.

Oh the stress of said photos.

Everyone had a camera. Considering that “everyone” consisted of more than 2 people, and I have exactly 2 hands, I became a hanger for cameras as pictures were demanded.

20 minutes later pictures were actually taken. People had stayed in one spot long enough.

C+C finally became there, just in time for taller C to use the bathroom. People lined up and “THREE! TWO! ONE!” the flash went off, forever immortalizing the group of mature looking guys, and slightly hysterical looking but nonetheless BEAUTIFUL girls.

Everyone posed in front of the limo. More pictures were taken. I felt a bit pimpish having my photo taken with many different people. I felt a lot short next to the heeled Carmaine.

Took a ride with Carmaine’s parents home, saving me a cold public transportation journey. Arrived home in time to eat a quick dinner and watch ‘Til Death. Then watched The Big Bang Theory until bed time, which was around when the Formal was ending.

And so I end. I have decided to hell with fully structured sentences. They’re boring anyway.

Alex.

Hypothesis

Maybe she didn’t blog because she didn’t want to.

Maybe she had a lot to blog about in the past few days, and had been on the brink of insanity and depression but didn’t. Because she thought she’d get out of it. Maybe she did get out of it. Maybe she didn’t.

Maybe she had a huge load that needed to be dispersed, and blogging was the only way to do it. Except Time had dispersed it. Or maybe Time had merely covered the symptoms.

Maybe she’s fine.

Maybe she’s been doing great in her life, and she’s looking forward to the holidays, when she can sleep in.

Maybe she’s worried about upcoming SACs, such as her Chinese oral, or her English Language, or Methods.

Or maybe she has resolved to prepare thoroughly like she’s never done before.

Maybe both. Maybe she’s okay and she’s not okay. She can’t be certain what she is, because even she doesn’t know.

Confusion, that’s part of it, but something more. Sometimes she’d glide away and there would be stretches of time, white time, until she’d come back and the entire prospect of the future would come crashing down on her. She’d feel like she was suffocating, drowning, and the only way out is to end it herself so that she wouldn’t have to succumb to another power.

The trick then, was to distract herself and pretend that she’ll get through it.

Alex.

Apologies

The reason that I haven’t blogged the past few days, and probably won’t blog the new few days, is because my internet actually capped. I hadn’t been keeping count of my usage and yeah I’m now crawling along at 28.8kb/s AGAIN (I capped last month too, but that was because I uploaded pictures for Carmaine to her Facebook).

It takes aaaaaaaages to bloody open the Write page, so I can’t be bothered. I’m just managing to keep my anger in check opening my Gmail as it is.

So no updates until 1st Nov, it would seem.

But, since I’m on here already…

Today I had my English exam. There were 3 parts to it, the first a text analysis, the second a language analysis and the third an opinion piece on the same topic as the language analysis. The text was The Handmaid’s Tale (piece of crap that’s FINALLY BEHIND ME) the language analysis was on marijuana and students being treated harshly for using it. I don’t know what my marks will be, because thinking back, doing the post mortem, I’m getting a bit iffy at my answers. But. What is done is done is done. Besides I’m luckier than some. The topics we got for the exam were rather ambiguous and weren’t as popular as the ones we’d expected. It was lucky I had a good knowledge of the Historical Notes or else I’d be up the creek with no paddle, no canoe, no life jacket and no quips.

And I’m also lucky in the sense that apart from my Multimedia exam on Nov 7th, something I’m really not too fussed about despite it being my 3/4, I don’t have any more exams. Alrighty.

So, good luck to Carmaine who is staying from 8:30 to 4:30 tomorrow for her 3 exams, and to Eunice with her Psychology and Methods, all of them 3/4, and her other exams, and to Bee for her History, Psych and Philosophy. (I’m sure you have other classes I just…blah you know, good luck).

Good luck to others as well!

De Fluffe, Out.