I Don’t Believe That Anybody Feels The Way I Do

[Wonderwall – Oasis]

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection,

Fuck you so sexy, if ya just be looking at thems bwois they be melting at their knees and begging to treat ya right.

Or some shit like that, right?

They tell us to love ourselves because we’re all beautiful, no matter how big our breasts, how perky our butts, how thin our legs, how high our cheekbones are (this is just, you know, for the girls. I mean, hell, guys might want perky bums as well I don’t know) but how many people REALLY see themselves in the mirror and go “fuck yeah that’s what I’m talking about”? Because I bet each and every one of them think, “Oh, I wish my skin was smoother” or something small, or big.

The difference is if they let that bother them. It’s not exactly “love the skin you’re in”, but rather “be predominantly not so bothered by the shortcomings of the skin you’re in”. And if you have something which you bloody think is brilliant, I say go fucking flaunt it. This period of time might be the only time in your life that that part is the best part, so go flaunt it – I say this without condoning wearing barely anything to show off your long legs. I mean…leave something to the imagination, please.

Okay, that’s the purely physical side of what I think about reflections.

The strange thing is, do you ever feel like you’re old? Because you see yourself everyday, and I just wonder how the hell do people actually think I look old enough to go into a bar (yes I know I get carded, but for argument’s sake we’ll say I don’t) because to me, I still am this little girl back in Gr 4. When I was about to leave primary school, everyone was saying how it was so strange that they were the oldest in the school, and that the preps saw them how they used to see the other old kids.

But hell, if the bouncers reckon I can get in, I’m not arguing.

It’s not like the face in the reflection still holds the same amount of wisdom behind it as it did in Gr 4. So I suppose in all senses that a hurrah for me.

Anyway, this is my last letter from my 30 days of letters. I think I should thank Bianca for telling me that it’s awesome, and I should thank everyone who’d read this. It wasn’t as repetitive as I thought it would be, even though I wrote pretty much all to girls than guys. I don’t know if I’ve made some self-discovery in these letters, but I suppose it cleared things up to write them.

So, for the last time in this series, but not for the last time in the blogs,

Alex.

Please, What Else Is On?

[Take A Bow – Glee Cast cover, original by Rhianna]

(Have I used this song already?)

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear Mom,

Aren’t you feeling special that you got mentioned twice?

I do wish I could tell you everything. You used to watch Gilmore Girls and remark that the mother and daughter had such a close relationship they’d tell each other everything. You used to say you wish we had that.

But do you know why we can’t? Because you’re too narrow-minded. Anything that is different from how you were brought up, you reject. But you don’t seem to see that we’re living in a Western culture, and that is where I have been brought up. You don’t seem to see that I’m no longer that little Chinese girl, but I’m a grown woman with my own opinions, and they mostly all differ from yours.

You also make it incredibly difficult to trust you. In the past, every time that I had trusted to tell you the truth about something that I’d done wrong, you never failed to disappoint me in not taking my side. When I got a detention for a stupid uniform rule (I wore short socks instead of long), you told me off instead of saying, “Well that’s a silly rule.” I don’t even mind getting a detention; what the school thought of me meant nothing. When I was suspended for unfair reasons, you didn’t say, “I agree, the school is being a dickhead.” Instead you said that the school was right in their actions, and you never fail to bring it up every time I say I don’t want to attend a Uni lecture – despite the fact that lectures and high school classes are completely different matters.

Yes, I remember these little betrayals, because they hurt.

There are so many more major bridges that I have yet to cross, when it comes to telling you things about me, your own daughter. But I can’t cross those bridges when you’ve already sealed them off to your own views on what should happen. I know that it sucks for you that your only daughter doesn’t share the same wishes and wants as you’d envisioned her to have, but at the same time shouldn’t you be happy that she’s healthy, she’s got great friends, she’s not out on the streets every night shooting up drugs and having sex? Shouldn’t you be happy that she’s got a goal in life, and that she’s working towards being happy, even if that path is different to the one you want her to take?

I can’t even tell you about how my friendships have all changed, because you keep telling me that I’d lost my friends because of my own shortcomings in being able to keep them, and didn’t even consider the possibilities that it wasn’t my fault at all, that, hell, I’d fought tooth and nail to keep them.

So, no, I can’t tell you a single thing about me and, to save myself the pain, I don’t plan to.

Alex.

Cross Themselves Upon Entering

[Build God, Then We’ll Talk – Panic! At The Disco]

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Dear Bianca,

See, I told you to wait for Day 28.

You changed my life in the sense that you made me see things differently. I wasn’t that interested in the whole interaction between people, and why they do it, but after talking to you and discussing things with you, you made me more interested. And guess what, the subjects I’m doing this semester is very sociological. And I plan to channel you through all of them.

On top of that, you got me looking at things from both ends of the argument…before I still decide that I hate something. And it’s made me so much better at arguing my point because I’ve considered things from someone else’s point of view, and decided I hated it, and when I stick to my own view I’m so much more confident.

Which brings me to my next point; you taught me that it’s okay to have my own point of view, but I have to accept that others do too. I don’t have to feel bad about pushing my own views onto others, but if they don’t accept it, then it’s time to listen up. I’ve learned a lot from other people by listening to their opinions on matters.

Finally, you taught me about happiness. Do what I want to be happy, and fuck the rest. And because of that I was able to take a step back occasionally, and think about what is going on in my life, which then allows me to really review where I was headed. Sometimes, I shock myself at how short-sighted my views are. I’ve managed to stop myself from quite a few stressful sleepless nights doing that. It’s fantastic.

People are strange people, right?

I hope that to some degree I’ve done some sort of revelation sort of thing for you too. Like you learned that some people can be really whiny.

Love,

Alex.

Work Sucks, I Know

[All The Small Things – Blink 182]

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

I don’t know anyone now, personally, who is going through the worst of times. I knew someone around a year ago who was, and it was a really, really tough time for her. And you know what? I am so glad I don’t have to write about her today because in one year she’s turned her life around (with help from others but with, I know, a shitload of self strength).

That is not to say that there aren’t people out there suffering. I mean I can bring up the obvious “starving kids in Africa”, like that time I was told this story about how a volunteer went to one of those really remote villages, the generic ones you see on World Vision, except he said something that really shook me; it was hot, so he obviously brought along his iced water with him, and when he showed the children there, they couldn’t understand why the liquid was so cold. They have never experienced chilled water. The fact that the idea of cold water doesn’t exist to them really made me think about how we don’t even think about the small things. Like cold water, or a shirt without holes, or that if we cut ourselves accidentally we don’t have to worry about dying.

But that’s not the point. I’m not providing any of my own views about what can be done to save those children. I mean, it’s all nice and well to say “we need to give them money to build and feed…” but unless we actually give them the money and actually help them build it, it won’t happen, not really. And how many people can really be bothered doing these directly?

Just saying.

Alex.

I’m Picking Me Apart Again

[Breaking The Habit – Linkin Park]

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear You-Should-Probably-Have-An-Idea-Who-You-Are,

I know what you’re wondering; you very specifically told me that you weren’t interested, and would never be interested, so why did I still hold onto hope just to have my heart broken? It’s not like you led me on at any point.

While I do mean “heartbreak” in in traditional sense, I mostly mean you broke my heart in a friendship sense as well. You said that I was too eager and clingy, well that’s not my fault, that is how I am. And it took me so long to realize, and then even longer to accept the fact that if you can’t stand being around me because of how I am, then I can’t be around you.

And since I accepted it, and since I stopped talking to you, my random attacks of sadness diminished, and I hardly get depressive moods anymore. Bianca always taught me to do whatever in life that makes me happy, and even if it’s painful, if being happy means not being in someone’s life, then that has to be it. Catherine was the first to be brave and honest enough to tell me that this was the only way. I didn’t want to accept it at the time but when I did, I realized how dumb I was to reject her suggestion.

A few people who I discussed this with told me to give it another shot, give you a chance, rebuild that bridge between us, work it out. But I think now we’re both happier. You don’t have to worry about me, and I don’t have to worry about me worrying about you. Like you said once, now we’re just “acquaintances who know each other very well”.

I don’t hate you. You were a huge chapter in my life, and the lessons I learned from you will continue to aid me through life. But the full stop has been inked onto the last sentence of that chapter, and I have turned the page. I loved you, and I love you still for the memories we shared.

Alex.

Keep Telling Yourself That “I’m A Diva”

[There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought Of It Yet – Panic! At The Disco]

Day 2 – Your crush

Dear XXXXX (Oh haha you thought I would write it out),

Actually, to be honest, I don’t think you’re really my crush anymore, though that’s not to say if you had a change of heart, I wouldn’t immediately jump at the chance. Call me shallow, but I do think you’re way too good looking for me to say ‘no’ to you.

The fun part is, I’m now your friend. I mean, I liked you since I met you, but when that didn’t work out I found myself entering friend-dom. Some other people might say “Well now you’re screwed; once you’re a friend you’re not going anywhere” (the whole Ladder Rule right?) but I still like to keep some faith that I can get off the Friend ladder – not in this instance, perhaps, but for future laddering activities.

I like being your friend, to be honest. I have yet to see the negatives in you that I’ve been told about, but that’s probably because I haven’t known you for that long. Either way, whether I do see those negatives or not, I don’t mind being your friend and not anything more. I suppose, that in itself is indicative that you’re not really my crush anymore. But if I didn’t write about/to you, I wouldn’t have anything to fill today with. So.

Anyway, there you go. I have on purposely not included any hints at who you might be, just because I figured it might make things awkward if you figure out I’m talking about you.

Alex.

I Take My Last Chance To Burn A Bridge Or Two

[I’m Like A Lawyer With The Way I’m Always Trying To Get You Off (Me & You) – Fall Out Boy]

I came across this article while ‘stalking’ the Tumblr of a friend of a mutual friend’s.(Yeah I am admitting to being a bit creepy. But due credit is given.)

Australian ‘angel’ saves lives at suicide spot

The story of the Golden Gate Bridge jumper, the one who didn’t survive, was one that I had actually already mentioned on this very blog, in a password protected post. This musing is not a new one, but I think I will revisit a few points nonetheless.

When I see someone crying, one of three things happen:

1. This person is a friend, to which I will probably stop and ask ‘what’s wrong’.

2. This person is not a friend, to which I will probably keep walking, because I know that I don’t want a not-friend (in the sense that the needle gauging our feelings towards each other is not neutral, but tipping towards dislike) to see me cry.

3. This person is a complete stranger, and they are completely alone. This is when I don’t know what to do.

The man in the article, Ritchie, he sees complete strangers in the act of ending their own lives, and he approaches them to talk to them. He doesn’t care what kind of person they are, he just does it. And he sometimes manages to talk people away from the edge.

All these things are amazing skills. All these things really do take someone special.

Because, if I were in his situation – living across the road from a popular suicide spot – I would probably move away. There is no way I can stay in a place where, if I look out, I see the last standing spot of many many lives.

And even if I did stay, I wouldn’t have the guts to try to stop anyone killing themselves. If I don’t do anything, then their death is their own doing. If I stepped out and still they jumped, even if the law didn’t see me as responsible, in my heart I would feel that failure. Even if there was no way to save the person, I would be plagued with ‘what if I looked up sooner, or if I ran faster, or if I just said the right thing?’

And that’s the other point where I admire Ritchie; he says the right things. He doesn’t always say the right thing, but he does and that’s what impressive. What do you say to a person in such an emotional place that they would want to take their own lives? I don’t know what they’re going through, not really. I don’t have a clue what they’ve experienced in their lives. I haven’t seen or experienced half of what is considered enough in this life to be worthy of any wisdom imparting. Ritchie says that he listens, but he doesn’t counsel. Can I really do that? It’s all so easy to say “you should…” but it’s nearly impossible to say “I’ll let you go ahead and do what you are doing” especially to a stranger. A friend, I know; I know their past, I know their thought patterns…a stranger?

Even if we’re not talking about something so drastic such as talking someone out of a suicide, then let’s just talk about the smiling part. Like I said, if I see a friend crying, I will go to comfort them, most likely. But if I see a stranger crying, would I dare? Who am I to try to comfort anyone, whose troubles probably exceed my age? What if they’re emotionally unstable, and violent? (selfishness is intrinsic, sadly.) But like the note from the jumper said, ‘if just one person smiles at me, I won’t jump’.

It’s not so hard to just smile at someone, is it? You don’t have to talk to them, you don’t have to go near them, hell, you never have to see them again. But smiling is a personal action; it opens ourselves to the other person. It’s lowering the social shield of nonchalance, and exposing the soft flesh of humanity. If we smile at someone and they so much as scowl at us, then it’s like a stab against our esteem. We think ‘what’s the point of smiling at someone who doesn’t appreciate it?’

What’s the point? Because what if this person just so happened to be waiting for your smile to save their life? You may not know it, you may never know it, and you don’t get that gratitude, so you might not see the point in it, but this person’s family or friends might.

My ending thoughts are these: I won’t tell you to go start smiling at everyone, and I definitely won’t tell you to try to talk someone out of killing themselves if they look like they’re unstable and have a weapon on them.

But if you just so happened to come across someone standing on the edge of a building, then please say something. Anything. What have you got to lose? A few wasted minutes at the most, and an unpleasant knowledge that sometimes trying isn’t enough. What have they got to lose? Well, that’s pretty obvious.

If you see a person looking a bit down, then give them a smile, or say ‘are you okay?’ I read on PostSecret all the time about the kindness of a stranger saving someone. You can be that kind stranger.

Alex.

So Tired Of Trying To Fight This

[Comatose – Skillet]

I’ve seen this around on Tumblr for ages but I think I will give into my nagging wants and finally just do it:

So this a 30 days of letters kind of thing. Each day I write a ‘letter’ to each of the people described.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I have a small feeling a few of those might overlap.

I might also very obviously state who the person is, or be ambiguous. Probably if it’s a negative letter, I’ll keep it ambiguous.

Alex.

Tell Me Baby, Why-ai-ai-ai

[20 Good Reasons – Thirsty Merc]

There is a widget on the side of my blog where it shows my archives (named Previously, on De Fluffe /EDIT sorry I mean “On This Day In History”), and I can see at a glance that my frequency in blogging is dramatically decreasing.

At least, my frequency is noticeable here on the WordPress; I’ve actually been blogging non-stop on my 365 for, what, nearly 50 days now.

I remember that I used to have long ambiguous rambles on here, and, despite their ambiguity, it more or less carved a semi-followable path through my life, and my thoughts. I obviously don’t do that anymore, and I wonder why? I was never worried before about what other people think of what I write, and what thoughts I have, so why did being an ARTS student at UNI stop me? If anything, it should have liberated me to be MUCH more verbal and, dare I say, ruthless.

Alright, so maybe I SHOULD catch up on my thoughts since the last time I recall being deep.

I’m annoyed to admit this, but I fell under the age-old tunnel-vision trap that I’d always thought was bullshit: I realized, having left it, that highschool really isn’t the most important part of life, and the things that happen in it really isn’t that tragic – and leaving it really isn’t that fucking hard.

Maybe I’ve had it easier, because my transition to Uni was smooth, and I don’t have avalanches of homework and studying, but I don’t miss highschool at all. The friends, who I thought were the only ones I could possibly ever have the luck to have, stopped contacting me, and after that shock wore off, I found myself not even thinking about it anymore. When I see highschool friends at Uni, sure there is that “yeah we went to school together” thing going on, but that almost seems like a process we go through, for the sake of it.

Now, I have quite a few great friends who, I’d dare to tangibly put down, seem to be quite a stroke of luck. I have grown cynical enough to think that this will probably go away at some point, and I’ll look back on this with the same “oops there goes that” that I already am with some of my older posts.

It’s even more temporary in Uni. Semesterly, we shift around in tute groups. I made a few semi-good friends in my tutes, and having left the Uni today, I realize that I might not see them again, not for more than 10 minutes. It’s like graduating highschool each semester.

So why do I even bother making friends in my tutes? Because it makes the time pass easier, sure, but then what happens to the awkwardness of having a friend who, with the friendship in such infancy, you don’t talk to anymore?

And then there’s the people I met coincidentally sharing same breaks. What about them, once the timetabling changes?

And what about the friend who you’re immensely close to because you take the same train all the time together? What happens when she decides to move to the city? (That’s pretty much just Jackie.)

Half a year ago, I would have said “it will be a test of our friendship to see if we can still be friends then”, but now I actually mend that to “it will be a test to see how much we actually secretly and truly dislike each other, and if that outweighs how much we truly enjoy being with the other or not”. It’s depressing and cynical, but hey, I’m an ARTS student.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my friends very much – friends are to me what family is like to most people. I actually am not comfortable with what will be constant tearing and shifting.

There, I’m sure this was enough gut-spillage for a while.

Alex.

P.S., this post from Katherine’s blog made me laugh.

She Laughs At My Dreams But I Dream About Her Laughter

[Just The Girl – The Click Five]

Today was Tiff’s farewell get-together thing.

I just missed a connecting bus at Glen Waverley in the morning, because some old stupid hag (yes, call me ageist, call me whatever, I’m pissed off) took 5 minutes to explain that she’s too senile and stupid to bring money with her for a Metcard, and the connecting bus was only there for an extra 3 minutes after when my first bus was meant to arrive.

I watched my connection bus drive by me as I pulled into the bus station.

So I sat down at the foodcourt and started sending lyrics to Jenny’s Facebook. I got to as many as nearly 10 songs before I went for the next bus.

Arrived at Tiff’s in time to see everyone much Hana Kimi. Then we moved to the living room and started watching Kill B ill after long debates about what to watch, and actually watching the winter Olympics and Dr Phil (I made everyone notice how funny he blinks).

It seemed not many people enjoyed the violent hilarity of Quentin Taratino. I was just pleased to watch Lucy Liu own the screen.

After Kill Bill finished we started watching Austin Powers. I felt a killer headache coming on so I hugged Tiff goodbye (for the last time?!) and left.

On the way home, I felt like I was going to faint. So something went wrong there.

I feel slightly better now, but the headache is still pounding. But I will last for White Collar tonight!

Goodbye Tiff. You damned better keep in touch with us!

Alex.

P.S. Jenny got a blog. I’ll put it on my blogroll now. She’s just starting out so not much to read yet. A lot people seem to have slowed/stopped blogging. For example, this time last year, Bianca had her blog “A Beautiful Dream Come True” which she has now taken off public viewing. Carmaine’s blog is gone. Dom hasn’t updated in ages. April is in Japan and Dani occasionally updates. A small part of me is glad that I kept going. On the other hand, my ratings show that I don’t get that many readers anymore.

Perhaps I should specialize more. Mr Gadget, a friend of mine through Eunice, blogs mostly about techy stuff, as he should. I don’t think I’m at a point in life when I can specialize into anything yet. I hope someone will find the fact that I’m venturing into university interesting.

My head hurts.