I Don’t Believe That Anybody Feels The Way I Do

[Wonderwall – Oasis]

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection,

Fuck you so sexy, if ya just be looking at thems bwois they be melting at their knees and begging to treat ya right.

Or some shit like that, right?

They tell us to love ourselves because we’re all beautiful, no matter how big our breasts, how perky our butts, how thin our legs, how high our cheekbones are (this is just, you know, for the girls. I mean, hell, guys might want perky bums as well I don’t know) but how many people REALLY see themselves in the mirror and go “fuck yeah that’s what I’m talking about”? Because I bet each and every one of them think, “Oh, I wish my skin was smoother” or something small, or big.

The difference is if they let that bother them. It’s not exactly “love the skin you’re in”, but rather “be predominantly not so bothered by the shortcomings of the skin you’re in”. And if you have something which you bloody think is brilliant, I say go fucking flaunt it. This period of time might be the only time in your life that that part is the best part, so go flaunt it – I say this without condoning wearing barely anything to show off your long legs. I mean…leave something to the imagination, please.

Okay, that’s the purely physical side of what I think about reflections.

The strange thing is, do you ever feel like you’re old? Because you see yourself everyday, and I just wonder how the hell do people actually think I look old enough to go into a bar (yes I know I get carded, but for argument’s sake we’ll say I don’t) because to me, I still am this little girl back in Gr 4. When I was about to leave primary school, everyone was saying how it was so strange that they were the oldest in the school, and that the preps saw them how they used to see the other old kids.

But hell, if the bouncers reckon I can get in, I’m not arguing.

It’s not like the face in the reflection still holds the same amount of wisdom behind it as it did in Gr 4. So I suppose in all senses that a hurrah for me.

Anyway, this is my last letter from my 30 days of letters. I think I should thank Bianca for telling me that it’s awesome, and I should thank everyone who’d read this. It wasn’t as repetitive as I thought it would be, even though I wrote pretty much all to girls than guys. I don’t know if I’ve made some self-discovery in these letters, but I suppose it cleared things up to write them.

So, for the last time in this series, but not for the last time in the blogs,

Alex.

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Please, What Else Is On?

[Take A Bow – Glee Cast cover, original by Rhianna]

(Have I used this song already?)

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear Mom,

Aren’t you feeling special that you got mentioned twice?

I do wish I could tell you everything. You used to watch Gilmore Girls and remark that the mother and daughter had such a close relationship they’d tell each other everything. You used to say you wish we had that.

But do you know why we can’t? Because you’re too narrow-minded. Anything that is different from how you were brought up, you reject. But you don’t seem to see that we’re living in a Western culture, and that is where I have been brought up. You don’t seem to see that I’m no longer that little Chinese girl, but I’m a grown woman with my own opinions, and they mostly all differ from yours.

You also make it incredibly difficult to trust you. In the past, every time that I had trusted to tell you the truth about something that I’d done wrong, you never failed to disappoint me in not taking my side. When I got a detention for a stupid uniform rule (I wore short socks instead of long), you told me off instead of saying, “Well that’s a silly rule.” I don’t even mind getting a detention; what the school thought of me meant nothing. When I was suspended for unfair reasons, you didn’t say, “I agree, the school is being a dickhead.” Instead you said that the school was right in their actions, and you never fail to bring it up every time I say I don’t want to attend a Uni lecture – despite the fact that lectures and high school classes are completely different matters.

Yes, I remember these little betrayals, because they hurt.

There are so many more major bridges that I have yet to cross, when it comes to telling you things about me, your own daughter. But I can’t cross those bridges when you’ve already sealed them off to your own views on what should happen. I know that it sucks for you that your only daughter doesn’t share the same wishes and wants as you’d envisioned her to have, but at the same time shouldn’t you be happy that she’s healthy, she’s got great friends, she’s not out on the streets every night shooting up drugs and having sex? Shouldn’t you be happy that she’s got a goal in life, and that she’s working towards being happy, even if that path is different to the one you want her to take?

I can’t even tell you about how my friendships have all changed, because you keep telling me that I’d lost my friends because of my own shortcomings in being able to keep them, and didn’t even consider the possibilities that it wasn’t my fault at all, that, hell, I’d fought tooth and nail to keep them.

So, no, I can’t tell you a single thing about me and, to save myself the pain, I don’t plan to.

Alex.

Cross Themselves Upon Entering

[Build God, Then We’ll Talk – Panic! At The Disco]

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Dear Bianca,

See, I told you to wait for Day 28.

You changed my life in the sense that you made me see things differently. I wasn’t that interested in the whole interaction between people, and why they do it, but after talking to you and discussing things with you, you made me more interested. And guess what, the subjects I’m doing this semester is very sociological. And I plan to channel you through all of them.

On top of that, you got me looking at things from both ends of the argument…before I still decide that I hate something. And it’s made me so much better at arguing my point because I’ve considered things from someone else’s point of view, and decided I hated it, and when I stick to my own view I’m so much more confident.

Which brings me to my next point; you taught me that it’s okay to have my own point of view, but I have to accept that others do too. I don’t have to feel bad about pushing my own views onto others, but if they don’t accept it, then it’s time to listen up. I’ve learned a lot from other people by listening to their opinions on matters.

Finally, you taught me about happiness. Do what I want to be happy, and fuck the rest. And because of that I was able to take a step back occasionally, and think about what is going on in my life, which then allows me to really review where I was headed. Sometimes, I shock myself at how short-sighted my views are. I’ve managed to stop myself from quite a few stressful sleepless nights doing that. It’s fantastic.

People are strange people, right?

I hope that to some degree I’ve done some sort of revelation sort of thing for you too. Like you learned that some people can be really whiny.

Love,

Alex.

A Little Bit Too Much Of That Poison

[Last Name – Glee Cast cover, original by Carrie Underwood]

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Dear Katherine,

I know that we are friends now still but if it wasn’t for how friendly you were the day I met you then we wouldn’t be friends now.

Considering the circumstances, I really didn’t think you would talk to me, let alone end up befriending me. If I remember correctly, it was Yr 7, and we were at the inter-school table tennis. I think I was up against Gwyn, and you were watching the game. And then after the game we started talking, and I remembered you were really funny and friendly. It was surprising that someone I met as an opponent would end up talking to me like an old friend.

I was so impressed by how friendly you were that when you told me your insanely long email address (at the time) I tried my hardest to remember it. Redskittlesmakemehigh, right? I think you de-activated that email address by now.

Anyway, I just wanted to say how impressed I was at how friendly you were on that day when I met you, and again a year later at Yr 8 table tennis competition.

Hope you’re well! Talk to you on MSN…now.

Alex.

Now I Find Myself In Question

[Runaway – Linkin Park]

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

That was to Jackie, a few days ago, to tell her to come on MSN instead of falling asleep. She didn’t keep it.

Yep.

Ah, I know that I haven’t really written anything about Uni starting. The subjects I’m doing this semester is harder, and requires more thinking. So far I’ve been made to think about how identity is ever changing, and how what feels natural to us is unnatural to someone else in another culture. Then something about Asia, and then I revisited my Yr 12 English Language course.

Alex.

Work Sucks, I Know

[All The Small Things – Blink 182]

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

I don’t know anyone now, personally, who is going through the worst of times. I knew someone around a year ago who was, and it was a really, really tough time for her. And you know what? I am so glad I don’t have to write about her today because in one year she’s turned her life around (with help from others but with, I know, a shitload of self strength).

That is not to say that there aren’t people out there suffering. I mean I can bring up the obvious “starving kids in Africa”, like that time I was told this story about how a volunteer went to one of those really remote villages, the generic ones you see on World Vision, except he said something that really shook me; it was hot, so he obviously brought along his iced water with him, and when he showed the children there, they couldn’t understand why the liquid was so cold. They have never experienced chilled water. The fact that the idea of cold water doesn’t exist to them really made me think about how we don’t even think about the small things. Like cold water, or a shirt without holes, or that if we cut ourselves accidentally we don’t have to worry about dying.

But that’s not the point. I’m not providing any of my own views about what can be done to save those children. I mean, it’s all nice and well to say “we need to give them money to build and feed…” but unless we actually give them the money and actually help them build it, it won’t happen, not really. And how many people can really be bothered doing these directly?

Just saying.

Alex.

He’s In The Marines; He’d Kill Me

[Obviously – McFly]

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Dear Jen/Ballsy

It’s not like you gave me my FAVORITE memory (I don’t think I had one yet. I mean a lot of memories make me smile) but it’s more that most of my cherished fun memories had you at the root of it.

For example, THAT. SHIVER. IN. LEGAL.

Or that time on the Geography field trip when I didn’t think you’d bite my hand and you did.

Or when we played Buzz! at the State Library games room and in our boredom we acted out all the actions that the characters on screen were doing, like being catapulted off our chairs.

Or when I came to your house just to get a free lunch, and you cooked me chicken meatballs with pasta instead of noodles. Which was surprisingly delicious.

Or hyperventilating on the phone with you, even though officially my response was, “I am glad for you. This is indeed wonderful news.”

Or when we were at Sale, and Bel’s cousin left some cold stale chips on the table, and in our curiosity we dared each other to eat one, found we loved it, and continued eating it.

Or when we attempted to hit that high note at the end of Halo/Walking On Sunshine – and you did, and I didn’t die.

Or when your eye puffed up to the size of a golf ball when a mosquito bit it at Sorrento (that was more fun for me than you).

Or when I made you walk without bouncing, and you did the slow-motion Baywatch walk.

Or when we went to that bookshop in South Melbourne and went through all the kids books and tried to hide the Twilight section.

Or when we made Mr Male go slightly emo when we didn’t listen to him and made fun of him in guitar.

I think I’ve made my point.

I love you,

Alex.

P.S. Or when that guy, who ran through the building with no pants on, dared himself to eat an entire duck raw.